FDA Approval!

So if you have followed our journey from April 4th to present at all, you know we had a very frustrating experience trying to get Alan on this treatment.

Insurance continually denied it, as it was not FDA approved for his type of cancer. Then there was the trial unit and issues created there that caused him to be removed from the trial due to their mistake. 

And then finally Bristol Myers Squibb was our guardian angel who approved patient assistance and gave us the drugs for free. 

Here is the most amusing revelation from yesterday's appointment. 

On July 10th, 4 DAYS after Alan's first treatment, the FDA granted their approval of the two drug combo for Alan's cancer. SERIOUSLY, 4 days! Can you believe it? After all we went through! 

Good news! No one in his shoes else has to go through all we did! They can get the drugs as "standard course of treatment" and insurance has to cover it! So happy no one else has to go through our frustration!

Treatment 2

So yesterday was Treatment 2. I had to wait to update until today, as I was not present. Alan's dad brought the girls home Thursday and wanted to take him yesterday. But they audio recorded the visit with the doctor for me.

This was so great for them. Alan said it was wonderful time to talk just them which doesn't happen that often. Usually the girls, Dee, myself and possibly Kyle and Phillip and their families are around too. 

There really are only three bits of information garnered from yesterday's all day event. 

1. His blood work was excellent. Forcing him to have more salt has finally increased his sodium levels. 
2. The third tumor that showed up on the 7/5 Scan is not a lymph node. This is a HUGE praise. We want to avoid node and bone involvement if possible!
3. The next scan will be 12 weeks from the first. So roughly the end of September. Until then we won't know if it is working. Until then we pray and try to create the best bodily environment for immunotherapy to work!

The infusion went well and we all met for dinner around 6 last night! Amy (Alan's sister), Mark and the boys all came up and met us for dinner and cupcakes. Their youngest turns 4 on Tuesday! So that was fun to put the cupcakes Audrey and I made yesterday to good use!

Next treatment is on August 17, our 16th anniversary! So we get a whole day date!!

4 Years of Positivity

Today is 4 years of Positivity Posts. I am in shock. I never dreamed that I would be on this journey, so here are a few positivity posts and why they are important to me.

This one is an absolute favorite of mine. When on a tour of Conroe High's 9th grade campus, they had a compliment board. As we were discussing it, a young lady came up grabbed one and handed this to me.

This one and the one below that go hand in hand, as a female leader... There is strength in empowering others and having that "others first" focus.

What are you? Are you We or I focused?

I love my husband and his desire to teach them this. He shows them how they should be treated. I already see the fruits of this in Rebekah, as boys start to be interested in her.

Don't let FEAR stop you. If you fall, get back up. But remember, you may not fall; you may fly!

So grateful that my strength comes from My Lord! Broken or not, He carries us through what we must handle.

Prayer is the key to everything. When you know not what to pray, PRAY. When you know what to pray, PRAY. When you have no words, PRAY. When your heart is broken, PRAY. When joy is overcoming you, PRAY.

Oh that Back to Future Was Real!

Today as I sat watching my sister-in-law, who is expecting, sit on the edge of the pool while her beautiful 2 year old daughter and husband played and as I listened to the eagerness and apprehension of my other sister-in-law, who is expecting her first, I was overcome by wishing I could turn back time.

Being the first married couple of Alan's family, I've seen his brothers grow up since High School. I love them and their wives, and now my niece and soon-to-be nieces or niece and nephew. They are all amazing people. And maybe they don't feel what I felt back then, but...

As a mom-to-be, I was scared to death and wanted everything absolutely perfect. As a mom-to-be with my second, having lost one in between, I was grateful, but still scared. Feeling like a failure as each phase was difficult in a new or different way. 

Now, Alan and I are done having kids. We are the "old married couple." Granted his sister and brother-in-law are roughly the same ages as us, but their oldest is starting Kinder while ours is starting 8TH!!! So even though Amy and Mark have been dating/married as long as we have been married, we are the old ones... lol

Point being, I sat there watching Jessica, Kyle and Brooklyn and was overwhelmed by a desire to turn back time. Rebekah, Alan and Audrey played Marco Polo just a few steps from them and my heart ached. 

I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I knew truly that the small stuff doesn't matter. That it's not worth getting bent out of shape over little stuff. I wish I knew how quick the time really does fly. I wish I nagged less. I wish I had forgiven easier. And I wish I knew oh so very much. 

You see part of living now is realizing how insignificant so much is. That everything doesn't have to be perfect. That the quality of time far outweighs everything else. That I don't deserve the Mommy or Wife guilt I gave myself! 

Ladies, please treasure every second, even when they are throwing themselves on the ground throwing a massive fit in the middle of the store! Take a video, a picture, laugh and treasure it. Know that that tantrum means you are doing right and this will not hurt them. 

Take the opportunity to go on dates with your husband every chance you can. Because every moment is precious. And don't take just about the kids! Enjoy, truly enjoy, your spouse every moment you possibly can. Even when they are being pills, they still love us. 

Let the grandparents be grandparents. Yes, they will spoil them, but that bond is more important than you could imagine. Those grandparents can heal parts of your kids' hurts that no one else can reach. 

Oh if only I hadn't wasted time... time is wasted no longer. Because at the end of the day, we are not promised tomorrow. So I better love like there is no tomorrow. Some day there won't be, and I will regret that if I don't. 

And as I posted before, I am living with NO REGRETS!!

Power of Prayer

The first question I will get with the title of this blogpost is, "Is he healed?" And while yes prayer is that powerful, no, not yet!

Prayer has been an incredibly powerful toward in this spiritual battle! I have asked for and covered your prayers. I have seen them answered. Although we are in a battle for Alan's life, the ultimate battle is not that. It is whether Satan or God will rule our hearts and our minds daily. I posted previously about the Armor of God. Prayer is the biggest part of the battle. It aligns our hearts with His mind. Christ goes before us into the waging war. 

My devotional this morning said this, "Paul tells us to pray on all occasions, with all kinds of prayers, because he knew and firmly believed that prayer is the channel that God uses to activate our spiritual armor as we go into battle. Prayer should always be our first response."

Ephesians 6:18 says - “Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.”

James 4:6-7 says - “And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

‭‭

Humble yourself - meaning PRAY. A proud person does pray, truly pray. I know when I am prideful I tend to go through the motions of prayer but not truly pray. Have you ever experienced that? Where you are saying the words, maybe even being focused on others but not having any passion or emotion at all behind it. 

This last 2 years my prayer life has changed majorly! My heart is practically begging and pleading with the Lord. And it's not just a morning prayer or a mealtime prayer or even my prayers before bed. It's a cry of my heart to my Savior. That type of prayer is powerful! And knowing others are praying for you with the same fervent heart, WOW!

At one point in this journey, I asked my prayer warriors for unity in a certain decision. I knew our mindset for this entire battle was hinging on how we were in this one situation. We had to go into it 100% united. It took 5 days! 5 long hard days! But since then we have not had a moment of disunity. Now that's not to say we haven't given each other our opposing thoughts or opinions. That's not to say we haven't disagreed. But we have not been OPPOSING each other. We have not be lacking in unity. 

I told my ladies that I understand how hard Cancer is on marriages. I see why so many couples going through our journey or that of having a child with cancer end up divorced. That's why praying for and seeking unity is so important. The power of prayer is incredible! 

As a wife of almost 16 years, I've read a lot about prayer over our marriage. The Power of a Praying Wife and the like are all things a "good, Christian wife" reads, right? Well, this time and this phase has transformed my heart, my sensitivity to how I am praying. It is and should always be our FIRST response, not our last resort or monotonous respsonse. And one of humble, fervent passion!

Prayer Requests for Our Family:

• Safe travel as we head to Dallas area and Lake Texoma to see family this weekend
• Girls to have a fabulous time in Frisco this week with Charlie and Dee
• Continued clear path for decisions we are making
• Peace and Unity in our 4 family
• Wisdom for Alan on when to rest, slow down, speed up, fight harder, let me fight. All of it. 
• Healing
• Transition back into the school year

What Is vs. What If

A year ago yesterday, I announced my intent to run for Montgomery County Treasurer. That decision process was very difficult. As many know I had been asked for months to run for it, but early on Alan was extremely anti. During his last chemo, he suddenly said that I should consider it. So we began thinking, praying and considering it.

When speaking with my pastor about it and outlining all the reasons why I should and shouldn't, he asked, "What if Alan's cancer comes back?" I was caught flat footed. In June of last year that wasn't a possibility. Larry gave us a perspective that neither of us had discussed. I came home and posed the question to Alan. His response has stuck with me. "We don't live our lives in fear." 

Vicki, Pastor Larry's wife, and I were talking yesterday. I told her what Larry had asked and how uncharacteristic it seemed. She quickly said that comment was from God because that is not a Larry question. She and I then discussed whether this changed anything. The answer to that is a resounding no from Alan and I both. We still fully believe I am called to be County Treasurer. 

Now what I did talk about with Vicki and have discussed with a few this week is What is vs What if. Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus talks about this very thing. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” Matthew 6:30 

Do we have so little faith that we don't believe He is talking care of us? Do we not believe that He is working everything together for good?

Sometimes, yes! Sometimes yes, we have so little faith. Sometimes we fail to trust that He cares more for us than for the birds of the air, more than the fish in the sea, more than the wildflowers! Truth is yes, sometimes we fail to have faith. Sometimes we see our mountains and how big they look to us and lose sight of how BIG our God is and that to Him that mountain looks like a speed bump. 

So Jesus goes on to tell us how to avoid losing faith and prevent not trusting Him. Don't we wish everyone came with an instruction manual as to how to love them and have a relationship with them?

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew‬ ‭6:33-34‬ 

So focusing on His Kingdom above all else keeps us focused on What is and not What if. He gives us everything we need when we keep our eyes fixatated on Him, His Word, and His Truths. 

I am a planner. I didn't go into the campaign last year without a plan. And when something happened that I hadn't expected, I stopped, evaluated and made a plan for whatever.  As a teenager, I had a plan for college and the first 5 years of adulthood that God altered greatly by bringing Alan into my life. God has continued to work on me as I posted previously. My life, my heart, and our family focus on being in His Will and joining Him where He is at work and where He is leading us. 

Now that doesn't mean I don't plan, but it is a FINE line between planning and worrying. There are certain aspects of What is that requires future planning and looking at many different angles. We do have to look at some What if's to deal with parts of our What is. And as I told Larry last Sunday after his sermon, there is a big difference between concerns over what is and worrying over what if's. God really has us focused on living intentionally for now and making the most of every opportunity. But as a "planner," it's easy to let the planning become worrying. 

I know many of you I have spoken to this week about this struggle with the same thing. So I encourage you, don't lose faith! Don't fail to trust Him! Lean into Him! Lean into His Word! Be honest! When you are struggling, tell Him! Tell others so they can pray for you, so they can help you. 

Satan wants nothing more than to take you into a place of worry and isolate you from everyone. He knows that's when you are weak and he can pull you away from God. Satan flees when we focus on Christ. 

This week was hard. Satan was working overtime on my heart. He knew that it was a big week of What is evaluation and beginning the process on several decisions. And while we are still doing well on dealing with legitimate concerns on our reality and not on what if's, I was just in a rough place emotionally all week. A lot of what we are discussing and dealing with most don't realize. 

Outwardly no one would have any clue that Alan has metastatic, recurrent colon cancer. He is his normal smiling, positive, amazing man! Satan used that to make me feel like I can't really talk to anyone about things because they "wouldn't get it;" thus, I was isolated. God broke through that and helped me to realize that I am not as alone in this. He's got me. He's got our decisions. He's got our mountain in His hand. And we pray our mountain becomes a speed bump, but if not, God still has us. 

I refuse to let Satan isolate me! My King is FAR greater than any fallen angel! So bring it! I will be intentional! I will focus on what is and will not worry about the What if's. I encourage you to do the same. Focus on Our King, Our Savior, and boldly claim NOT TODAY SATAN!

Leaving you with the words of KB and Andy Mineo, Not Today Satan...

[KB:]

Not today Satan

Ooh

You ain't welcome 'round me

Ooh, yeah yeah yeah

Not today Satan

You ain't welcome 'round me

You ain't welcome 'round me

Not today Satan, not today

Not today

Yeah, I live my life on the regular, ayy

Both of your takes are perpetual, ayy

Forbidden Fruit seem so edible, ayy

You try resist like ellipticals, train

My mama told me it's spiritual, ayy

So I'm under armor like I'm Curry, look

You cannot bear with the boy, yeah

This is not the Jungle Book

Accuse me, know he would

I'm just covered by the blood

Thinkin' about the way that they did you serpent

Crushin' like Valentine's

Can't you see what the mission cost with the finish, swish

Don't try to slide in my DM

OJ Simpson with the defense

Lake of fire say we need him

Last weekend, but

Not today Satan

Ooh

You ain't welcome 'round me

Ooh, yeah yeah yeah

[Andy Mineo:]

Not today Satan

Not today Satan

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Not today Satan

[KB:]

You ain't welcome 'round me

You ain't welcome 'round me

Not today

[Andy Mineo:]

Yeah, speak of the devil, ayy

I think I know where he live, ayy

I think he in politics, ayy

I think you gettin' my drift, ayy

Yeah, I think he made the Explore page

I seen him at my last court date

I'm askin', "Lord, give me more faith"

It's cold in these street like a North Face

Ayy, gotta keep my face cloth

And I know my days short

So I stay woke, never daze off

'Cause, uh, evil never takin' no days off

Whoa there, big fella, don't try it

Get that corn out my face, you know I'm on a diet

And I'm treatin' all of your lie like United

That just ain't flyin'

[KB:]

Not today Satan

Ooh

You ain't welcome 'round me

Ooh, yeah yeah yeah

Not today Satan

Ooh

You ain't welcome 'round me

You ain't welcome 'round me

Not today

La, la la, la la

La la la, la la, la la

Oh my God, now, ayy

Yeah, I know your ways

Already read all your plays, yeah

I think I'm booked for tomorrow, yeah

And today just ain't your day, ayy ayy

I see you feedin' they hate

See the bodies that you take

We do not break, never no breaks

Buildin' displays on top of your cake

Come and see me 'bout it, ooh

My squad too deep

Got it covered like Newsweek

Kickin' these facts like Bruce Lee, yeah

Before the W's like UV, yeah yeah yeah

UV, Son gotta shine, Lord, use me

Hit 'em with the ooh

Come out here, don't let him fool ya

He bring up your past

Boy, bring up his future

We not confused (we not confused, we not confused)

Your name is racist, hatred, graceless

All disgraces traces straight to your engagement

To face the natures but on that day you face the Maker

Not to-Not today Satan

Yeah, I believe boys on me

Believe boys on me

Not today Satan, not today

Amen

My Heart's Prayers

How? How has my life changed so much in the last two years?

It would be super easy to focus on the negative ways it has changed. Ya know like 20+ trips to MDA in the last 13 weeks or 2 hospital stays for my husband in the month of May. But that's not productive. That's not helpful. In fact to focus on the negative effects of cancer just keeps us down and negative. 

So let me show you the positive changes in the last two years in our lives. I would love to hear how you have been positively impacted. 

Alan - This husband of mine truly came to faith and a real understanding of what it means in his early 20s before we got married. For the last 10 years or so, his walk has continually been growing closer and closer to Christ. Since the big C entered our lives, I can honestly say I have seen an even greater shift. Alan has true joy that nothing can take away. He is so outwardly focused that sometimes I have to reign him back in to focus on himself and the best for his health. 

Alan boldly prays with other caregivers and patients we come across. On Thursday, he ran into Roy, the old security guard from his building. Roy has worked at MDA for 6 years now, yet they both recognized each other immediately, caught up, and then Alan prayed with Roy. Yesterday, Alan was speaking with a patient's boyfriend who was having a hard time with his girlfriend's parents. When someone from the financial office came to speak with us, he joined the conversation late because he was busy praying with this man. Alan says hi with a smile on his face and introduces himself to everyone. That isn't anything special, but it is the joy of the Lord overflowing in my husband. We all may tease Alan about always smiling and being able to talk to a wall, but those are blessing other people as he receives bad news and receives treatment. My heart's prayer for Alan besides the obvious of healing, is that he will continue to be used and bless others throughout his life. I wish everyone in the world could fully see the amazing man the Lord blessed me with!

Rebekah - I have seen my now 13 year old blossom into a confident, sure of who she is in the Lord young lady. She has branched out so much in the last two years. As a family, we have talked a lot about seizing the opportunities the Lord puts in front of you these last few years. We don't know what lies ahead, no one does. So we have challenged the girls not to let fear hold them back from anything as we are focused on living with no regrets. Rebekah has taken that challenge to the fullest with sharing her faith, Color Guard, Band and then Theatre this year and as recently as this week with the zip line at camp. She jokes that she is a super dork, because that's what you get when you combine two dorks (I still argue that he is the only dork between the two of us!). Over our week away, bonding stronger as a family, the girls decided that since Alan is a unicorn and supposedly I am a monkey, Rebekah is a unimonkey and Audrey is a cornkey...

I'm proud of the young lady she is becoming. Similar to Alan, she is rarely seen without a smile and can talk to anyone. Unfortunately, at this age, they all struggle with finding who they are and friendships struggle during this time. She is learning that some friendships are deeper rooted than others and that's ok. My heart's prayer for Rebekah is that she continues to grow closer to Him and into the woman God wants her to be, without fear of the unknown we are facing. 

Audrey - Oh my strong-willed child, how I love you and love that about you, even when it rallies up against me. Her strength has been a Godsend these last two years, from a dyslexia diagnosis to bravely discussing her fears about Alan's cancer. This last 3 months I have seen so much growth in her with dealing with negative friendships. She is finding her way. These next few years will be interesting as she grows into who she really is and not who she thinks she should be. It's a tough thing to navigate under the most normal of circumstances.

Her sensitive heart with a tough exterior makes it harder for people to see the real Audrey. I am particularly grateful for one friend that has come along. He sees past the tough because of his own sensitivity. I pray this friendship continues to develop. My heart's prayer for Audrey is that come what may her sensitive, giving, loving spirit doesn't get squashed, but grows through the challenges of Intermediate and Junior High and through the big C. Her heart is so huge, but she is guarded. I pray she gains in discernment in who to trust.

Our family - Some of them have really been shaken by this journey and then even more by the second round. I think we all see the value of each other more and may see each other's role more accurately. Being two children of divorce, navigating that is always a challenge at holidays/birthdays/etc. but the last two years have decreased the challenges. My heart's prayer for our family is that those struggling in their faith or not walking closely with the Lord will see Him through us and that it will draw them to Him and deepen their relationship. 

Our friends - Our closest friends are those we do life with. So our church is and has been our greatest source of day to day support. Whether dinners, taking care of the girls on appointment days, texting us that they are praying, listening to me, the people God has placed in our life as friends from church, business, organizations, etc. have been incredible walking this path with us. My heart's prayer is that they are blessed as much as they have blessed us. 

Our teams - Both the Bush Law and BBK Teams have been incredible. They have picked up the slack and been there for us in ways no one else could. My partner, Barry, has been a constant source of encouragement to both of us, sharing support, ideas and prayers. Being a survivor, his advice with MDA has been invaluable. My heart's prayer is that each of these people will know how much we appreciate them and that they will be blessed just as much as hey have blessed us. 

And me - I have seen more ways the Lord has used my past experiences (not always the best!) and used them to bless either me or others now. These last two years have had me questioning the Lord on how, why, and even what the heck! My Lord has got us. My cousin who lost her love to cancer a couple of years ago had helped me to learn from her experience. That's where our no regrets focus has come from. And I am sure even with that there will still be things I regret. 

Right now my heart's prayer is that as God continues to carry us through this, that I continue to rely solely on Him. 

As I said in a speech on the night Alan was diagnosed, "life is not about walking alone through any curve ball thrown at us. This life is meant for us to come alongside each other and help and support one another. Being a team." It takes God, Family, Friends, and Our Work Teams to get us through to a win. And the win may be a daily or hourly win over our minds or the ultimate win over cancer. Wins come when we focus on Him and focus on finding the joy in the small things. 

Treatment 1

Yay! Treatment has begun! Now we watch for side effects and wait for it to kick cancer to the curb!

Obviously my prayer that the cancer would miraculous be gone when we got the scan results today was answered with a not yet. But, the stage has been set for God to shine even brighter. His tumors have progressed beyond slow growth to moderate growth. Marvin, tumor in the left paracolic gutter, has grown by 1.1 cm both ways. Mooney, tumor near his rectum, has grown by 1 cm one way and by 0.5 cm the other way. Now K. has moved. We were calling the blip in the lung, but that is stable and nothing they are concerned with! However, K is now a NEW tumor in the left hemipelvis, which wasn't of any concern last time, but this time is measuring in at 1.4 by 2.4 cm. So in a month and a half since his last scan, God's stage is set for a major miracle!

So learning has taken placed, Bobbie should be proud! And since we have this, we will not need it. All will go well in this treatment, and we will have no hospital stay. 

I'll keep you informed in the coming days of how he tolerates the immunotherapy! No one can tell us how he will do, as it really is all about how his immune system reacts to this. 

Anxiously Waiting on The Lord

As I look towards tomorrow, I am prayerfully, anxiously waiting on The Lord to deliver our miracle. Today Alan went to MDA to get a new CT Scan, blood work and EKG. No big deal at this point. Routine and nothing I feel the need to be there for.

Tomorrow is Treatment 1 of ipilimumab and nivolumab, FINALLY! Yesterday was 3 months since we heard the horrible words, "The CT found two spots." So here I am, looking towards the future. Planning trips to Dallas to see family for us and for the girls, my bestie from Ft. Worth texting to see about coming for a visit this month.

You see life doesn't stop. Despite the appointments, despite the word CANCER, life goes on. There are still Trumpet and Trombone lessons, there is still laundry, there are still HEB trips, there is still work, there is School Board, there is still a campaign for County Treasurer. And ya know what, that's GOOD. It keeps us focused on the here and now and not on what may or may not be in the future.

For today I ask two things.

Lord God, bring our miracle. Let us hear tomorrow that the two "spots" are gone, and they have no medical reason why.

And if that is not Your Will, God, Heal my husband - let this treatment work completely. Let him be his unicorn self and be in that tiny percentage that is completely healed.

Either way Lord we know who is at work. These are my prayers today, as I prayerfully, anxiously, ask You for our miracle and wait for You to deliver my husband from cancer.