Hundred Billion Times

How many things that I have done would do hundred billion times again?

Would it be to give all to the Lord?

Can’t say I have done that in the past few years.

I want to be more like Jesus, but like they say you have to be the change you wish to see. No, I don’t need to be perfect, but I need to change.

A relationship with the One I want to be. Relationship. That word sounds beautiful. I miss it. I LONG to be close to the Lord, but fear is overwhelming.

Why is this so hard?

I use to not be held back. The chains hold me from everything. I feel alone. I hate it. I know the Lord will never leave me, but I can’t help but wonder if it is true? If God is real why do I feel so alone and broken?

My life wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Material things of this world wouldn’t last I know, but I need my dad. I need him to be well. I need my mom not to have to worry about me and my sister. I need my sister to have a normal childhood. I need a normal childhood.

But then it hits me.

What is normal?

Drama? Popularity?

I don’t need that!

Something is missing, but what?

It is that question that kills me.

- Rebekah

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As a mom seeing these words cut like a knife. I do worry about them. I worry about their lack of a normal childhood. I worry about the fact, and it is a fact, that cancer has stolen their childhood. But that's what cancer does. It is a whole family disease. It doesn't just affect Alan. Or even just Alan and I. Or even just the four of us. It affects Alan's mom, dad, stepmom, his sister, brothers, brother-in-law, sisters-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. It affects my mom, dad, stepmom, grandparents.

She is just as broken, just as scared as the rest of us.

Truthfully, everyone in this world is broken. We just all hide it. As my 13 year child has already learned how to do. She hides in books, in her academics, in being the quiet "good" kid.

Why do we all hide the brokenness? Are we fearful of what people might think if they see that we are just as broken and lost as them? Do we feel so much societal pressure that we can't be real?

It's in our brokenness that HE, Christ, Lord of All, King of Kings, is able to work the most! He doesn't long for perfect people, as there are NONE. He longs for the broken because He is the healer. He longs for those that are weak, sad, and alone because He is strong, He is true joy, and in Him we are never truly alone.

What is missing in my kid? The same thing missing in each and every one of us... Relinquishing of our will, our desires, our plans, our need for control over to Jesus Christ.

When we let all of those things go and truly rely on Him, we have an overwhelming peace! But to fully let those go is hard on any adult. How much harder would it be for a 13 year old?

Pray for all of us to truly release our desire for our own will and earnestly seek after His will alone!

- Melanie