Those words won't come. Still.
Today was a tough day in church. Both worship and the message.
Every other song, I could sing and sing fully. And that song I can sing most of! But those two words, Take Everything, won't come out of my mouth. I don't mean them. I stood with tears streaming, unable to sing them. You see, I don't want God to take everything. I am still scared that He is going to take Alan, and I'm not willing to let go.
I want to fully be walking with Him, but not without Alan.
Then Calvin had to hit me hard! Today's message was about planning in pencil, knowing that God writes in ink. Well at the point the sermon started, I was already wondering why we didn't stay home this morning. I mean, seriously, it was raining, dreary, cold to this Texas girl and only one service; it would have been so easy to skip! BUT noooo, God wanted me there. He knew I needed to hear Calvin's message.
We don't plan like others at our life stage. We aren't planning our next five years of our careers or kids' college plans (although that is coming). Right now everything is planned in short three month spurts. We live from scan to scan. And any potential plans beyond the three month horizon are tentative until scans prove them viable. Our plans are very much in pencil, waiting to see the ink God lays down!
BUT my long term right now is purely one fold: grow old with Alan. So when Calvin started to talk about being flexible with our plans, I started to bow up. You see I am not viewing that as a flexible plan. I know God is in control. But I want MY plan on this, and I don't want HIS plan if it doesn't match mine. So the tears started again. You see I know that God hears my prayers for healing for Alan, but that doesn't mean He will answer them in a way that matches my plan.
So while I want more of Jesus and less of me, I can't voice the words Take Everything because at this point I refuse to GIVE everything. I refuse to give over my plan that Alan lives another 40-50 years.
This song and this sermon were way more real sitting where we sit than where most others sit. HIS plans are always going glorify Him. And ultimately that is what I want, to glorify Him in my life.
So even when I don't want to, Lord, THY WILL be DONE.
- Mel
