Friday, October 4, 2019
Unicorn Rides Again
Today, today, GOD used his "Unicornness," in Alan's favor.
So at this point in this immunotherapy protocol, the tumors stay stable. There are working theories that the tumors remain stable because the cancer is all gone, but scan tissue remains and basically the masses are just "smoking craters," to coin an Alan-ism.
Well Alan, being a Unicorn, surprised Dr. Dude with not just stability BUT some significant shrinkage. YES, SHRINKAGE!! 15 months in on treatment, and we are still seeing this cancer DIE. Not just hold steady. No, SHRINK!!
As we sat waiting on treatment this afternoon, it was all we could do to hold back the tears of joy, tears of gratitude to Our Lord!
Thank you Father for continuing to work in my husband's body and KILL this cancer. Thank you Lord for this blessing.
Also, Dr. Dude increased the time between scans. Next scan will be in 4 months instead of 3 months! Thank you again Lord for this blessing.
Marvin (left paracolic tumor) decreased by roughly 40%!
K. (left hemipelvis tumor) decreased by roughly 16%!
Mooney (midline pelvic tumor) decreased by roughly 40%!
Marvin K. Mooney, WILL YOU PLEASE GO NOW?!
Thursday, October 3, 2019
I remember
-Rebekah
Monday, August 12, 2019
The Knot
Today has been a struggle. On Wednesday our oldest starts High School and our youngest 6th grade. Today the oldest needed to walk her schedule one more time to feel comfortable before the BIG day. However, this left Mom feeling anything but fine. It is the tug of war that is my heart.
Last year, the first day of school was rough. We were only two treatments in on immunotherapy, and I was scared. After a rough bus pick up for Audrey (whole different story), I ended up in my best friend’s driveway a total mess. Bawling like a baby. You see the odds were stacked against Alan. With this treatment, things look good, but we still don’t have long term data. So last year, I was facing a giant unknown. My world was crushing down on me. Truthfully, I was scared that it was the last Back to School we would all have together. A year ago I didn’t know, if he would still be here today.
So today, watching and waiting on my high school freshman walk around the hallowed halls of the 9thgrade campus, my knot of FAITH and FEAR was having a huge tug of war over my heart and my emotions.
FAITH would tug and overwhelm me with GRATITUDE. Alan is here. Alan is doing really well right now. Treatment continues to hold these tumors stable or even shrink them slightly more. Gratitude that our lives seem completely normal. Alan is working, I am working, the girls are starting back to school – a normal American family. Gratitude that my girls don’t seem to have the same fears that they did last year at this time. Gratitude that we have continued to get even closer as a family. Gratitude that God is ALWAYS faithful and is WAY bigger than all of our unknowns.
FEAR would tug and overwhelm me with WORRY. The WHAT IF’s that no one likes to vocalize would come rushing to the forefront. What if the next scan isn’t good? What if he isn’t here next year? What if another cancer shows up? What if side effects get bad? What if when the youngest starts here he isn’t here? What if… What if… What if “what if” becomes “what is?”
Then faith would tug, then fear, then faith, and then fear. I sit here tonight still struggling with this. And I am leaning in to God as much as I can, I am grateful for the moments of peace He grants me in the struggle. But this is my emotional struggle. It may be other caregiver’s struggle too. I don’t know. Maybe patients struggle with this too. Every single “major” moment in the girls’ lives, in his life, in my life, causes this struggle.
Most people would have no clue this is what I deal with sometimes daily. As a mom, we push our emotions aside to take care of our kids (the girls have no clue that I held back tears on campus today). As a caregiver, we focus on what we can control to help them heal. As a wife, we focus on loving them with every fiber in us. As a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc., we focus making sure all of our family knows how much we love them. As the leader of a team, we focus on making sure they have what they need from us to do their jobs well, on making sure they have the resources they need, and on delivering what we promise to those we serve. As an elected servant, we focus on delivering what we said we would before being in office, on being available to the tax payers, and on doing the absolute best we can with the resources we have.
Majority of the time it is easy to shove the knot of FAITH and FEAR back into its dark recesses of my being and to simply focus on the hats I wear or the multitude of laundry or whatever fire is in front of me.
Today… today was not so easy. Tomorrow may not be either. And I can almost guarantee Wednesday will definitely not be!
So when you see a person in similar shoes to mine, pray for them. Pray for PEACE. Pray for COMFORT. Pray for FEAR to GET the HECK OUTTA THEIR MIND! Pray. Offer a hug, if they are the hugging type. Offer an ear and just listen. Be there. No matter how strong they appear on the outside, there is still the knot of FAITH and FEAR on the inside. No matter how good everything looks at the moment, the What If’s are still lingering in their head. So pray. Pray for them. Prayer helps. Knowing people are praying helps.
Here’s to FAITH having already won the battle over FEAR!
Friday, July 12, 2019
Great Great God!!!
We are so grateful for today's news!
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Peaceful Prayers
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Peace
Peace - not in circumstances, not in situations. Peace with life. Peace with each other. Peace with God.
I can honestly say, sitting here over two years after the start of this journey, we have peace.
Alan and I have stretched and grown in ways I never thought possible. The girls have grown in ways most kids there age have never even thought of.
Almost two weeks ago, we received fabulous news. All three tumors are stable. This is his third good scan in a row: shrinkage, stable, and stable again!
We met with the genetic doctor for Lynch Syndrome. We walked away feeling better informed. We have a proactive plan to start a couple of new screenings to catch a few other cancers that Lynch patients are more likely to get. With the girls, we have a great plan for checking them for Lynch after they are adults!
Where we are today - Alan is continuing to get his immunotherapy treatments every other week and will have another scan in mid to late July.
At some point Alan will probably be diagnosed with another Lynch-based cancer, but for the moment, he is probably in the best place medically he's been in the past few years. Ya know, no grapefruit sized mass growing in his colon unknowingly to us.
So we are seizing this moment and enjoying the peace. No matter what the future brings. No matter how God uses this journey. No matter the outcome of our journey.
God is in full control. So we have peace!! We trust Him to guide us and take care of us. Granting us peace. Thank you Lord for peace!
Sunday, March 31, 2019
I'm not enough
Can't control what tomorrow will bring
But I know here in the middle
Is the place where you promise to be
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
Let your love rise above every fear
Like the sun shaping the shadow
In my weakness your glory appears
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Hundred Billion Times
Would it be to give all to the Lord?
Can’t say I have done that in the past few years.
I want to be more like Jesus, but like they say you have to be the change you wish to see. No, I don’t need to be perfect, but I need to change.
A relationship with the One I want to be. Relationship. That word sounds beautiful. I miss it. I LONG to be close to the Lord, but fear is overwhelming.
Why is this so hard?
I use to not be held back. The chains hold me from everything. I feel alone. I hate it. I know the Lord will never leave me, but I can’t help but wonder if it is true? If God is real why do I feel so alone and broken?
My life wasn’t supposed to be this way.
Material things of this world wouldn’t last I know, but I need my dad. I need him to be well. I need my mom not to have to worry about me and my sister. I need my sister to have a normal childhood. I need a normal childhood.
But then it hits me.
What is normal?
Drama? Popularity?
I don’t need that!
Something is missing, but what?
It is that question that kills me.
- Rebekah
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As a mom seeing these words cut like a knife. I do worry about them. I worry about their lack of a normal childhood. I worry about the fact, and it is a fact, that cancer has stolen their childhood. But that's what cancer does. It is a whole family disease. It doesn't just affect Alan. Or even just Alan and I. Or even just the four of us. It affects Alan's mom, dad, stepmom, his sister, brothers, brother-in-law, sisters-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. It affects my mom, dad, stepmom, grandparents.
She is just as broken, just as scared as the rest of us.
Truthfully, everyone in this world is broken. We just all hide it. As my 13 year child has already learned how to do. She hides in books, in her academics, in being the quiet "good" kid.
Why do we all hide the brokenness? Are we fearful of what people might think if they see that we are just as broken and lost as them? Do we feel so much societal pressure that we can't be real?
It's in our brokenness that HE, Christ, Lord of All, King of Kings, is able to work the most! He doesn't long for perfect people, as there are NONE. He longs for the broken because He is the healer. He longs for those that are weak, sad, and alone because He is strong, He is true joy, and in Him we are never truly alone.
What is missing in my kid? The same thing missing in each and every one of us... Relinquishing of our will, our desires, our plans, our need for control over to Jesus Christ.
When we let all of those things go and truly rely on Him, we have an overwhelming peace! But to fully let those go is hard on any adult. How much harder would it be for a 13 year old?
Pray for all of us to truly release our desire for our own will and earnestly seek after His will alone!
- Melanie