I'm not enough

This morning in service, RJ led us in the song Here Again. 

The first verse captured me... in the middle! We can't go back to before and we have no control over tomorrow. Living in limbo, living in the middle... as this song continued, my tears started streaming down my face because line after line captured my heart and where I am today. 

You see I'm not enough, as this song says! I need Christ to meet me where I am because YES all I want is all that He is. In this valley, I need His love to rise above EVERY fear I have. And yes, oh yes, God in my weakness is where Your Glory shines that the sun. 

So often in this journey, I feel isolated and alone. But no, NOT FOR A MINUTE, WAS I FORSAKEN! He is right here. He is right here walking with us. He is carrying us through the middle. 

Please read these words below of Here Again! Let them wash over you like they did me. It was cleansing. It was healing to truly hear these words and let them into my heart!

Can't go back to the beginning
Can't control what tomorrow will bring
But I know here in the middle
Is the place where you promise to be

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

As I walk now through the valley
Let your love rise above every fear
Like the sun shaping the shadow
In my weakness your glory appears

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

Not for a minute
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place

Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place

Not for a minute
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place

Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

I hope this song has blesssd you as it did me. 

- Melanie

Video:  https://youtu.be/L9UbTjlWFZw

Hundred Billion Times

How many things that I have done would do hundred billion times again?

Would it be to give all to the Lord?

Can’t say I have done that in the past few years.

I want to be more like Jesus, but like they say you have to be the change you wish to see. No, I don’t need to be perfect, but I need to change.

A relationship with the One I want to be. Relationship. That word sounds beautiful. I miss it. I LONG to be close to the Lord, but fear is overwhelming.

Why is this so hard?

I use to not be held back. The chains hold me from everything. I feel alone. I hate it. I know the Lord will never leave me, but I can’t help but wonder if it is true? If God is real why do I feel so alone and broken?

My life wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Material things of this world wouldn’t last I know, but I need my dad. I need him to be well. I need my mom not to have to worry about me and my sister. I need my sister to have a normal childhood. I need a normal childhood.

But then it hits me.

What is normal?

Drama? Popularity?

I don’t need that!

Something is missing, but what?

It is that question that kills me.

- Rebekah

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As a mom seeing these words cut like a knife. I do worry about them. I worry about their lack of a normal childhood. I worry about the fact, and it is a fact, that cancer has stolen their childhood. But that's what cancer does. It is a whole family disease. It doesn't just affect Alan. Or even just Alan and I. Or even just the four of us. It affects Alan's mom, dad, stepmom, his sister, brothers, brother-in-law, sisters-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. It affects my mom, dad, stepmom, grandparents.

She is just as broken, just as scared as the rest of us.

Truthfully, everyone in this world is broken. We just all hide it. As my 13 year child has already learned how to do. She hides in books, in her academics, in being the quiet "good" kid.

Why do we all hide the brokenness? Are we fearful of what people might think if they see that we are just as broken and lost as them? Do we feel so much societal pressure that we can't be real?

It's in our brokenness that HE, Christ, Lord of All, King of Kings, is able to work the most! He doesn't long for perfect people, as there are NONE. He longs for the broken because He is the healer. He longs for those that are weak, sad, and alone because He is strong, He is true joy, and in Him we are never truly alone.

What is missing in my kid? The same thing missing in each and every one of us... Relinquishing of our will, our desires, our plans, our need for control over to Jesus Christ.

When we let all of those things go and truly rely on Him, we have an overwhelming peace! But to fully let those go is hard on any adult. How much harder would it be for a 13 year old?

Pray for all of us to truly release our desire for our own will and earnestly seek after His will alone!

- Melanie

Kid of a Cancer Patient

Kids react in different ways. Audrey is more matter of fact and vocal. Rebekah keeps more in and in pushing her this week to share, I realized she is having a harder time than I had realized. Yet her faith is so amazingly strong, it inspires me. So here is the perspective of a teenager who is going through normal teen stuff with this added in!

- Melanie

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Being a kid of a cancer patient is hard.

No one wakes up in the morning and thinks “I hope my dad doesn’t get diagnosed with cancer today”. That is not the way we think.  

We tend to focus on our own problems whether they are big or small. I used to make a big deal on little things like maybe my homework amount or some small drama with friends. These tiny obstacles seemed like the world to me. Now my homework amount doesn’t matter anymore.  

I felt the need to be strong. I want to be there for my family and I cannot do that if I feel broken.

I have a fear that others can’t understand. You don’t know what this fear is like till you are the one who is going through something like this. I have lost close friends because I didn’t want to burden them with my troubles. I thought there was nothing they could do. I wish I had told them that I was scared and that I don’t care about the things I use to.

Somedays all I can think is that my life sucks. It doesn’t seem fair that I have to go through so much pain. 

But God is good. 

He is here for the week and makes them strong. He comforts and is bigger then any fear. And his love and mercy is there for you. 

Normally when we feel like we can’t see God, is when He is working the most in our lives.

Being broken and letting others walk through life with you isn’t a weakness. God made us to encourage one another and to encouraged. 

Life is hard. 

It can bring you to your knees so God can lift you right back up again.

- Rebekah