You know I’ve got cancer. But you didn’t know my skinny odds - or my fight, or my side effects, or my fears, or my wide-awake nights, or my wild guesses about my wife’s and girls’ future without me.
That’s ok.
You’ve see how I fight. It’s not in my own strength which has failed me over-and-over again.
You’ve seen me smile. Laugh. Play. Work. Love my family. I hope you’ve seen me love others.
So then, you’ve seen my God. He gave me the peace to do what you’ve seen.
Good. That’s the only thing I want you to really see. God made me that way, despite a diagnosis as dreadful as mine.
You’ve seen the new heart he gave me. He sharpened his scalpel and took out my stone heart, then replaced it with a living heart.
For that surgery, God paid a dear price. He sent his son Christ to live among us on Earth and feel the same pain and brokenness we face. That’s what sin did to the perfect world God created. God then had to turn his back on his precious son who hung dying on a cross, although he’d done no wrong. God watched his son die.
But death couldn’t hold Christ. Three days later, Christ walked the Earth again. Alive!
Alive like the new heart God gave me because I’ve put my faith only in Christ’s sacrifice to pay for my sins. Alive like the new heart anyone can have - in spite of anything they’ve done. Alive like the new heart that even a longtime Christ-follower can have by drawing closer to God.
No, faith in Christ doesn’t make things easy. But relating to God gives joy and peace.
So before you really need God (and I promise you will), get to know him. Read his word - what he’s told us about himself and who he made us to be. Pray - talk with him, sometimes just sit in silence and listen to him. But most importantly, do what God tells you in his word and through the Holy Spirit for whom he sacrificed his son to graft into your new heart. Do it - no questions asked.
Then you’ll know you can trust God. He’s faithful no matter what.
God has got your back. When you don’t see how obeying him could possibly work out and you’re thinking that you’ve got a better plan, obey God anyhow. You’ll see him come through.
Then you’ll know that King David was right. Even on your darkest days, God’s “goodness and unfailing love will pursue” you (yes, hunt you down) “all the days of [your] life.”
Please know my God. Only then can you know peace.
That’s the only thing I really want you to know.
- Alan
Sunday, January 26, 2020
Saturday, January 25, 2020
Grateful
Recently I was at a luncheon where the President asked us to introduce ourselves and to share our word for 2020. Well, now I must admit, I hadn't picked one. So being the fourth person in the line and having just gotten the GREAT scan results 4 days prior, I quickly decided on Joy.
In the four days since then, one word keeps coming to mind. And while it may be a cousin of Joy, it's not Joy. So Sarah, I change my answer.
GRATEFUL
I choose to be grateful this year. And I am grateful I have so much to be grateful for.
We haven't shared a statistic with many people. In fact, very few, until recently! We never told the girls, because they never asked. And it was a scary stat. One that kept me up at night. One that made me re-evaluate so much. One that changed my life.
In April 2018 when Alan was diagnosed with metastatic recurrent colon cancer, we were told that the treatment he is on (Thank you God!) was the only real option. That while we could do other treatments they were not the best and did not give him the chances this one did.
That statistic was that without this treatment, with the conventional treatments, the ones our insurance approved of, the ones that we didn't have to fight for over 3 months to get, ONLY gave Alan a 7% chance of survival over the next 5 years. At the time we were told that, Rebekah was in 7th grade and Audrey in 4th.
Translation, the images that kept me up at night were that of sitting alone watching Rebekah graduate high school and then again at Audrey's graduation. The nightmares that came night after night were of there being no father-daughter dance at the girls' weddings. Nightmares of learning to live without him. Of the hole so deep in me that he would leave.
Not to mention the conversations we had to have. Conversations no 40 year old husband ever desires to have with his wife. Do we really have enough life insurance for him? Where will it leave the girls and I if the worst occurs? What life would look like as we walk this journey? Conversations I wouldn't wish on anyone. Conversations that hurt so deep.
But God stepped in. God paved the way and the treatment option became a reality. July 6, 2018 is a day I will never forget. It was a day I had a glimmer of hope for the first time in months. Now this treatment was his only option in the doctors' minds because with it his 5 year survival rate shot up to 55% from 7%. Amazing difference, right?
Well just getting on this treatment protocol alone was enough to keep me grateful for years. It gave him a chance, a REAL fighting chance. And now here we sit just under 2 years later, and 1 tumor is essentially gone and the other two are on the run! Praying that when the 5 year hits, we will be hearing the words No Evidence of Disease!
Every day for the last four days I have caught myself saying how grateful I am. Randomly looking at Alan, my breath caught in my throat, grateful.
So my word for 2020 is GRATEFUL!
In the four days since then, one word keeps coming to mind. And while it may be a cousin of Joy, it's not Joy. So Sarah, I change my answer.
GRATEFUL
I choose to be grateful this year. And I am grateful I have so much to be grateful for.
We haven't shared a statistic with many people. In fact, very few, until recently! We never told the girls, because they never asked. And it was a scary stat. One that kept me up at night. One that made me re-evaluate so much. One that changed my life.
In April 2018 when Alan was diagnosed with metastatic recurrent colon cancer, we were told that the treatment he is on (Thank you God!) was the only real option. That while we could do other treatments they were not the best and did not give him the chances this one did.
That statistic was that without this treatment, with the conventional treatments, the ones our insurance approved of, the ones that we didn't have to fight for over 3 months to get, ONLY gave Alan a 7% chance of survival over the next 5 years. At the time we were told that, Rebekah was in 7th grade and Audrey in 4th.
Translation, the images that kept me up at night were that of sitting alone watching Rebekah graduate high school and then again at Audrey's graduation. The nightmares that came night after night were of there being no father-daughter dance at the girls' weddings. Nightmares of learning to live without him. Of the hole so deep in me that he would leave.
Not to mention the conversations we had to have. Conversations no 40 year old husband ever desires to have with his wife. Do we really have enough life insurance for him? Where will it leave the girls and I if the worst occurs? What life would look like as we walk this journey? Conversations I wouldn't wish on anyone. Conversations that hurt so deep.
But God stepped in. God paved the way and the treatment option became a reality. July 6, 2018 is a day I will never forget. It was a day I had a glimmer of hope for the first time in months. Now this treatment was his only option in the doctors' minds because with it his 5 year survival rate shot up to 55% from 7%. Amazing difference, right?
Well just getting on this treatment protocol alone was enough to keep me grateful for years. It gave him a chance, a REAL fighting chance. And now here we sit just under 2 years later, and 1 tumor is essentially gone and the other two are on the run! Praying that when the 5 year hits, we will be hearing the words No Evidence of Disease!
Every day for the last four days I have caught myself saying how grateful I am. Randomly looking at Alan, my breath caught in my throat, grateful.
So my word for 2020 is GRATEFUL!
Friday, January 17, 2020
4 Month Scan Results
Here we are. Another January, approaching the 30th. Cancer sucks the life out of everything. We celebrated the removal of Bo; we celebrated the end of chemo. We waited through every check that first year with baited breathe, but everything was good. Then April 4, 2018 came and cancer sucked the life out of the small room we were in on the 7th floor of the main building of MD Anderson in the Med Center.
The last 21 months have had major downs, some ups. Yesterday, Alan had his first CT Scan at MDA in The Woodlands. It’s so nice to have the full center up and running here. So today was date day down at MDA to meet in one of those small rooms with Dr. Dude (Dr. Morris) and get the news.
For the first time, we both slept peacefully. The drive down was uneventful. The waiting room was packed. We both went into the appointment feeling strong, feeling good about where he is. The minute we went into that small little room, all my nerves came flooding to the forefront.
Jocelyn, Dr. Dude’s PA came in, apologizing for the wait and explaining that most of the GI docs are headed to a conference next week. So if we were okay with it, she was going to go over the wonderful results with us.
Today was a MAJOR UP! The tears keep welling up with joy. Jocelyn made it clear that all the tumors shrank. As Alan and Jocelyn continued to discuss the side effects he is having, I poured over paper with the scan results. Only two tumors had measurements listed, which was confusing. When there was a moment, I asked where the measurements of K was. After pouring over the scans from October and yesterday, the conclusion was reached that while K is still there, it is small enough that the radiologist didn’t even pick up on it.
HUGE NEWS! Marvin (left paracolic gutter tumor) shrank 28.9%. K (hemipelvis tumor) is so tiny that it is “insignificant” now! Mooney (lower abdomen tumor) shrank by 9.7%.
From the highest point Marvin and Mooney have shrank by 85% and 60% respectively! But the most impressive to me is the next set of stats. K was non-existent at the onset of recurrence and is practically the same now. Marvin is 40% smaller than when discovered April 2018, while Mooney is 30% smaller!
Friends, treatment is not just working! It’s not suppose to do this. Treatment is exceeding all expectations. Treatment is healing my husband!
We’ve had a dear friend who has texted us literally every single day for this recurrence (over 21 months)! Every Saturday he tells us that we are “Another week closer to cancer free.” Being truthful, these texts have hurt some weeks - on the weeks were it seemed hopeless.
Today when we shared the news, he texted, “I truly believe one day you will hear ‘The cancer is gone!’”
I finally believe this!
It’s easy now to put on a brave face for the girls, for Alan, for everyone who asks. But in the quiet between God and I, the struggles have continued... continued to doubt... continued to fear. We still live scan to scan, writing our plans in pencil. With every good scan, which we have had consistently for a year now, my struggle has lessened, my fears decreased. My faith and trust has been restored a little more. Today, God showed me that He is using this treatment to save my husband. Alan is being a unicorn not only in his cancer and all the other things over the last three years, but also in his response to treatment!
In majority of cases similar to Alan’s the tumors just stall out. BUT God! Only God! Only God could do this! Only God could make it continue to shrink and EVEN start to disappear!!
Thank you Lord! Thank you for this news! Thank you for restoring my faith! Thank you for healing my unicorn!
The last 21 months have had major downs, some ups. Yesterday, Alan had his first CT Scan at MDA in The Woodlands. It’s so nice to have the full center up and running here. So today was date day down at MDA to meet in one of those small rooms with Dr. Dude (Dr. Morris) and get the news.
For the first time, we both slept peacefully. The drive down was uneventful. The waiting room was packed. We both went into the appointment feeling strong, feeling good about where he is. The minute we went into that small little room, all my nerves came flooding to the forefront.
Jocelyn, Dr. Dude’s PA came in, apologizing for the wait and explaining that most of the GI docs are headed to a conference next week. So if we were okay with it, she was going to go over the wonderful results with us.
Today was a MAJOR UP! The tears keep welling up with joy. Jocelyn made it clear that all the tumors shrank. As Alan and Jocelyn continued to discuss the side effects he is having, I poured over paper with the scan results. Only two tumors had measurements listed, which was confusing. When there was a moment, I asked where the measurements of K was. After pouring over the scans from October and yesterday, the conclusion was reached that while K is still there, it is small enough that the radiologist didn’t even pick up on it.
HUGE NEWS! Marvin (left paracolic gutter tumor) shrank 28.9%. K (hemipelvis tumor) is so tiny that it is “insignificant” now! Mooney (lower abdomen tumor) shrank by 9.7%.
From the highest point Marvin and Mooney have shrank by 85% and 60% respectively! But the most impressive to me is the next set of stats. K was non-existent at the onset of recurrence and is practically the same now. Marvin is 40% smaller than when discovered April 2018, while Mooney is 30% smaller!
Friends, treatment is not just working! It’s not suppose to do this. Treatment is exceeding all expectations. Treatment is healing my husband!
We’ve had a dear friend who has texted us literally every single day for this recurrence (over 21 months)! Every Saturday he tells us that we are “Another week closer to cancer free.” Being truthful, these texts have hurt some weeks - on the weeks were it seemed hopeless.
Today when we shared the news, he texted, “I truly believe one day you will hear ‘The cancer is gone!’”
I finally believe this!
It’s easy now to put on a brave face for the girls, for Alan, for everyone who asks. But in the quiet between God and I, the struggles have continued... continued to doubt... continued to fear. We still live scan to scan, writing our plans in pencil. With every good scan, which we have had consistently for a year now, my struggle has lessened, my fears decreased. My faith and trust has been restored a little more. Today, God showed me that He is using this treatment to save my husband. Alan is being a unicorn not only in his cancer and all the other things over the last three years, but also in his response to treatment!
In majority of cases similar to Alan’s the tumors just stall out. BUT God! Only God! Only God could do this! Only God could make it continue to shrink and EVEN start to disappear!!
Thank you Lord! Thank you for this news! Thank you for restoring my faith! Thank you for healing my unicorn!
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