Tired

 

 

“He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to His name.”

-Psalms 23:3 NLT

 

“This too will pass.”

 

Those common words sound wise, but listen closer. They tempt us to miss God’s glory today – smack in the middle of our pain. Those words can tacitly surrender our joy.

 

The Apostle Paul had something deeply wrong. His body tormented him. It must have been a long-running problem because, three times , he “begged” Christ to take it away. Christ didn't. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Christ answered: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” While Paul felt weak, God put His glory on full display.

 

Look hard for God in your circumstances, not for the closest exit.

 

That’s where King David’s psalm comes in. During your struggle, God “renews [our] strength.” Over-and-over again. Every time.

 

Believe me, I know. Cancer is coming for my life, again. Three months into the fight, I’ve found myself exhausted. I’m well into my only real treatment option, and yet, the tumor is still growing. 

 

Typically, cancer stops growing when treatment works. It might even shrink. So the continued growth strikes fear into my heart. Fear whispers into my ear, “You’re tired. Quit.”

 

But God renews my strength. Spending time with the Lord in prayer and in His Word makes room for His Spirit to make my heart strong once again. Following God’s will for my life – and serving others – lets God show His faithfulness. And that reinvigorates my confidence that God will stay faithful, even in my dire fight with cancer.

 

Don’t take my word for it. Scripture bears out what I’ve seen God do.

 

The prophet Isaiah brought good news from God about His comfort. God’s people were weary after years of threats from both foreign nations and internal sin. Right there, God promised new strength for His people who “trust in” Him:

 

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. 

They will soar high on wings like eagles. 

They will run and not grow weary. 

They will walk and not grow faint.

 

- Isaiah 40:31 NLT

 

Jesus Christ himself promised rest. Immediately after praying to His Heavenly Father in thankfulness, Christ turned to those around Him. To those who’d sought Him out. To them, Christ said:

 

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

-Matthew 11:28 NLT

 

Paul wrote about it too. He cut to the meat of why God renews our strength:

 

Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created by be like God – truly righteous and holy.

 

- Ephesians 4:23-24 NLT

 

God never tires. Never sins. Paul says that God renews our stinkin’ thoughts and attitudes, so we can be who God created to be. He made us in His own image, to be “truly righteous and holy.” God strengthens us to shine His light when, outside, it’s dark.

 

King David saw it. He sang that God “renews” our strength and guides us along “right paths, bringing honor to His name.” God gives us new strength to glorify the One who gave it.

 

Scripture teems with promises of God’s guidance and wisdom. King Solomon, the wisest man to ever live, wrote:

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding. 

Seek His will in all you do, 

and He will show you which path to take.

 

- Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT

 

There’s danger in what we think is right. Our hearts lie to us; God doesn’t. He shows us the way.

 

James also pointed us straight to God for wisdom:

 

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

 

- James 1:5 NLT

 

Now for the hard part. No doubt, God guides us along “right paths.” We love the idea that God shows us the right choices to make. But what about our situation in life? Isn’t our situation also

 a path? Don’t we have to trust that, if we’re following God’s guidance and will, even a heart-wrenching path might be “right”?

 

I hate that possibility. But that’s exactly what I believe King David is teaching us. Even a miserable path can be selected by an all-powerful, good and loving God from among infinite other paths our lives could have followed, as the right one. As the one that will bring honor to His name.

 

That’s how Christ answered Paul. Christ explained that His power works best in “weakness.” Christ invited Paul to embrace the day’s weakness, trusting God would show up big.

 

Yes, this too will pass. But will we see God’s glory, despite it? Will others who’re watching us? Don’t miss that opportunity.

 

One last hard part: All these promises are true, but only for God’s people. Are you one?

 

Only through faith in Christ alone, can we join God’s people. We can see our sin and know that a just God punishes all sin with death. But know that God sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to live a life without sin and die on the cross as the punishment for our sins. Nothing else makes us right with God. 

 

If you’re not among God’s people, pray for it today. He’s promised to take you right in – where you can truly taste and see God’s goodness.

 

Walking the Right Path with Renewed Strength in Cancer,

-Alan

Big MDA Week

Busy week of testing and treatment! Scans were Monday, scopes were Tuesday, scan results today, and treatment is Friday. 

In good news, yesterday his endoscopy and colonoscopy were 100% polyp free! First time ever!

Scan News is no-news at best.

Scan showed some growth in the tumor from the last one. A new tumor popped up by it too. The two tumors may actually be one u-shaped tumor, but it’s hard to see a 3D object on 2D scan slices. 

Growth from the last scan is murky. It depends on how you read the scan slices. 

(A CT scan takes multiple cross section images of your body as it moves down from head to toe. Slices.)

Hope is that this growth is just the tumors reacting to treatment by swelling. Last time the treatment worked, the tumors swelled too. Just not by as much as they might have now. 1 month of this scan period was before treatment began. 

We plan to stay the course with the same treatment and scan in 2 months. This treatment is the only real good option. It needs to work. 

Doc will be discussing this with some colleagues for their input and advice. 

Bottom line, please keep praying hard. We’re trying to be positive, but are pretty scared.

Habit Turned Flaw

After reading my post from last night, Rebekah informed me she had written a response and to my shock, she was not hurt by the post or anything. But told me I wasn't quite open enough. So she wanted me to post the below. Proud of her vulnerability. - Melanie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t write blog posts often. Throughout this journey I think I have only done one or two. I am my mother’s daughter through, so I write. A lot. I feel like maybe if I write what’s on my heart today, I can release these emotions and help someone else in the process. 

First, cancer sucks. Watching someone go through treatment, and yet they are always positive so you feel like you can’t tell them you are scared sucks. Being a kid sucks already, but my peers are typically not emotionally mature enough to support me. And frankly most adults are the same way. So I easily find myself pushed to the side. That sucks. Being told “whatever happens is God’s will” sucks because at this rate I don’t know if I like His will or not. Being told “that’s something you should pray about” sucks just as bad. 

Second, here is what I have learned is the most effective way to cope as a person affected by cancer. Writing is key. It’s okay if you have to burn the papers sometimes until you are ready for others to see. Recognize when you are having a bad day and give yourself a break. Do something you enjoy. It’s okay if the bad days are in a row. That’s normal. It’s also normal to be in denial and not feel anything yet. Hair dye can work miracles. Dying your hair in support of the cancers awareness can allow you to talk about cancer in a non emotional way which can help normalize it as your reality. It’s okay if you are upset at the patient. You are allowed to still disagree and handle it in a respectful way like you would anyone else. 

And finally, here is my advice of what to say and do rather than the previously mentioned words that hurt me. I made it in steps so that it is easier to follow. 

1. Ask if they are doing okay in general and if they say yes then ask specifically about cancer if they seem open to it. 

2. If they choose not to share, tell them that you are here for them (bonus points if you say you will be checking up on them and then actually follow through with it)

3. If they choose to share first recognize the emotion and experience by saying something like “I can’t imagine how much that hurts," but never compare your personal cancer experience unless the same person in relation to you had cancer at roughly the same age.

4. Then ask how you can support them. More than likely they will not have an answer. Let them know that you want to support them and to reach out if they can think of anything

That’s all I can think of that I want to say, but I wanted to also share a poem I wrote about cancer. I wrote it back in December. I call it Habit Turned Flaw.

Habit Turned Flaw

I am not who my friends need.

I am not who my boyfriend needs.

I am not who my sister needs.

I am not who my mom needs

I am not who my dad needs.

I have this bad habit.

It started when I was twelve.

Dad had just been diagnosed with cancer.

I know that I am not the doctors 

So I know couldn’t help medically 

But I could research.

I find out many things about cancer treatments

More specifically Lynch syndrome.

But one footnote I pay close attention to:

A positive mindset can help a patient’s results.

This was my golden ticket.

I did everything I was asked to.

I never asked if I could do anything with my friends.

I made the highest grades possible.

I denied myself the luxury of a childhood

So that he might be proud and smile for a minute 

And maybe, just maybe, forget about cancer.

Perfectionism has become my fatal flaw.

Trapped in a cage I created.

My project started small- 

Get the grades so that Dad doesn’t worry-

But it spread like the plague inside of me.

An impossible invisible burden lays on my shoulders

Everyone’s happiness depends on me.

Depends on my perfection.

I am not who my friends need.

I am not who my boyfriend needs.

I am not who my sister needs.

I am not who my mom needs

I am not who my dad needs

- Rebekah

Why

I wrote the below post on March 23rd. Lately has been hard for a myriad of reasons, but last night was just a particularly rough night for me with cancer emotions. We are approaching the first set of scans. All of our anxiety is super high. I've been encouraged to post what I've held back. I haven't felt like I could be my authentic self this Battle. I know it's because of other things going on in my life. But today someone told me to not stop doing what helps my heart - writing - which has spurred me to share this post. Going to keep being my authentic me. And to Heck with whoever can't handle it!

- Melanie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From March 23, 2022

My heart is hurting. I watch my family all grapple with this. My girls are both scared and hurting. They don't understand why. I don't understand it. I'm sitting here, finally alone to process. Over a month later, I'm finally crying, screaming, ranting at God. For the last month, I have been in management mode. Taking care of everyone else's needs. Taking care of all their emotions, unable to even begin to process or understand my own. 

Fear, doubt, hurt, distrust - all of that is present in my daughters and in me when I stop long enough to feel. 

My role in this journey is not that of the patient. Alan has his role to fight with everything to get well, to trust in the doctor's advice, to have faith that God isn't done with him here. The patient has the hard job and yet, I've discovered sometimes the "easier" one. They are the one able to do things, to take active steps in the fight. Meaning they are the ones that go on some form of treatment and actually fight the damn cancer.  The rest of us are bystanders. 

As a child of a cancer patient, there is a lot of hopelessness, fear, doubt, hurt and now on the third battle distrust. The girls struggle with feeling hopeless because they are bystanders unable to do anything that causes the cancer to go away. They fear the death of their dad - wondering what will he miss, when will he not be able to attend things because of treatment (been there) or ultimately when will they not have him here at all. Rebekah does too much research on her own and understands the realities of cancer too much. Audrey has such fear that she just wants to ignore it and act like it isn't our reality. Both of them do these things because of their hurt from this journey and their doubting it will ever get better. We've entered a stage where they struggle to trust that anything will work or that God will heal Alan. Three battles, two recurrences when "it shouldn't recur," "where it is unlikely," and "the odds of that happening are very low," is taking a very significant toll on trusting and faith that it will "all be okay," as everyone tries to tell us. 

As a wife and mother on this journey, I am the caretaker of everyone. I am the cheerleader for Alan, reassuring him that it will all work, keeping him in the best frame of mind possible. A positive attitude and lack of stress help treatment to work! So I try to foster that. Focusing on us eating right, keeping up with the appointments, questions with new results, all of it. He and I both have the MDA App so that every time they communicate, we both see it because you need two sets of eyes, ears, and brains to look at things, hear the doctor's comments fully and to process all the possible questions. 

Unlike Alan, I never feel I am taking active steps. I have felt for five years now that I am sitting back watching this all unfold with no way to fix it. And I am a fixer... I much more relate to our girls' emotions in this journey, except I'm the wife and mom. I don't like letting them see I am just as scared as they are. And I hate letting him see it. I am constantly trying to help all three of them deal with the effects of cancer, that I push aside my own emotions. And then every so often I break down.

Today is the first of those break downs in Battle 3. It's been needed for 3 weeks but due to other circumstances, I was unable to do so. Then last week, the goal was to get some time alone, looking out over God's creation to process and breakdown but that didn't happen either. So this morning, here I am staying home from church, alone in my house, my safe place, crying out to my Lord, asking the question I may never have answered. WHY? Why Alan in the first place? Why won't it just go away? Why does it keep recurring? Why? Why? Why?

My God is big enough for me to yell at. He's big enough for me to tell Him I think it's unfair. He's strong enough, mighty enough, and trustworthy enough. I can walk this journey NEVER knowing why but know that I can trust the author and creator of the world! I can trust that some good will come from this. Some good will come from all the crappy circumstances in my life because He is working them all together for good. I trust Jesus Christ when men and women around fail. I trust Him more than anything or anyone else. 

So I will break down and cry out to my Lord, knowing He is the God of comfort, healing and true love. Lord, heal my husband, heal our girls' hearts, and heal my heart. Give us all the strength for this Battle.