Today I can't find the bright side of being broken like I last wrote about. Today has been rough. Like really rough. I don't even know that I can put it into words.
Our family is hurting. Our family is scared. Our family is praying.
Personally I am overwhelmed. Audrey's still not 100% after the car accident. Physical therapy has helped strengthen her back and core, but she is still dealing with a fair amount of pain from the herniated disc. So we are trying to figure that out. Marching brings her such joy but this is affecting that. Rebekah is dealing with normal senior workload, band leadership and college application process but all in all she is taking that in stride.
Work is challenging right now for me. Not going to go into detail but still in need of prayer.
And then Alan and cancer. Cancer just sucks. Sorry for those of you that don't like that word. He's had 3 doses now of the stronger drug with the drug that wasn't working in July. So now we are waiting on scans and results mid month. Our hearts are anxious. Like super anxious. We are all walking on eggshells with fear. Our gracious, gracious God is meeting us where we are - each one of us. But this is the part of faith during cancer that isn't pretty! It's real and raw.
I've had lots of friends and family with cancer over the years and even now. But Alan's cancer is different. This is not your run of the mill colon cancer. This isn't breast cancer. All cancers need more research and need a cure! But let me be blunt for a moment, Alan's specific situation is VERY rare and there isn't any other treatments. The drugs he is on is it!
As one doctor said a couple of weeks ago, his usually doesn't come back and when it does, his usually responds to the treatment. His just hasn't been doing that. I've called him my unicorn since the beginning of his cancer journey in 2017 and he continues to prove that.
I don't know why I am even posting this. Maybe it's because we need as many prayer warriors praying leading up to these scans. Maybe it's because even if the scans are good this time, we still need prayers. The trauma associated with this level of unknown doesn't just go away with a good scan. Our family and each of us have been forever altered by the last 5+ years. We can heal, but we will always have the scars from this journey. We will always have anxiety around blood work and scans.
Writing helps me process my emotions. It helps me process my brokenness. Maybe I was meant to write this to give people a greater insight into the struggles of cancer EVEN for people of strong faith. You see my brokenness is not a surprise to my Lord and He is carrying me through it. But some days that means owning that I'm not okay and none of this is okay. And that cancer sucks. My Lord is so gracious to meet me right where I am. Overwhelmed, scared and broken.
Tomorrow I'll be better because my God doesn't leave me broken and alone but He walks through all my emotions with me. He shows me how to process and cope to be able to still function. Without His love, grace and mercy, I don't know how we much worse these emotions would be.
So tonight I continue to feel all my feelings and process. Tomorrow I lean into Him some more and proceed with the things that lie ahead. As I posted last week, "Emotions are a good passenger, but they aren't allowed to drive." So Jesus take that wheel and walk us through whatever is to come.
