Before The Real Win

 

“You prepare a fest for me in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings”

 

-Psalms 23:5 NLT

 

God blesses us with good things. He’s the God of feasts, of anointings, of overflowing cups. But don’t miss where King David sang that God blesses us.

 

God does that “in the presence of [our] enemies.” 

 

Right in their face. When our enemies have ambushed and surrounded us, God puts on a feast. We sit and eat in peace with our Heavenly Father – our enemies stumped.

 

You see, God doesn’t always take our enemies out of the picture. Not on this side of Heaven. He gives us life and peace despite them!

 

You know your enemies. You can feel them breathing down your neck. But if you’ll worship God with your life, God will bless you.

 

How true that is for me. God didn’t decide for my cancer treatment to work. Instead, he chose a different path. Over eleven months ago, I had what my doctors called the “Mother of All  Surgeries.”

 

The surgery came by its name honestly. Recovery lived up to it.

 

Good news, bad news. Good news: I’m cancer free for the first time in over five years! A second scan has now confirmed it. I can also do nearly everything I once did. Bad news: I can’t do as quite much as I used to. I get fatigued faster. For the rest of my life, I’ll also wear an ostomy bag.

 

Cancer, my old enemy, still makes its presence known. Vegas odds are that my cancer will come back, maybe sooner rather than later. Any treatment at that point will be experimental, so my odds in the fight would be unknown.

 

Yes I live, but I keep on looking over my shoulder for my old enemy. Even if cancer isn’t demonstrably inside my body now, it’s still part of my life.

 

But still, God keeps on blessing me.

 

My girls’ wounds from the cancer fight are just starting to heal, although the process will probably take years. Melanie has hit her stride in renewing herself. Rebekah has launched to Texas A&M to become a new woman, focused on excellence and God-centered relationships. Audrey continues our family’s legacy in The Woodlands High School’s marching band, loving on the younger students. 

 

We have built memories. My marriage has grown. I am truly blessed.

 

All in the “presence of my enemy.” 

 

Paul knew all about it. At one point, Paul’s enemies had him “severely beaten” and tossed into the “inner dungeon.” His feet lay clamped in stocks. Darkness surrounded Paul near midnight – and in that dark moment, God set the table.

 

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies thundered into the darkness and gave Paul the joy to worship. And Paul expanded his battered chest to belt out praise to the King. 

 

It’s all in Acts 16:16-25

 

Some of my darkest hours, like Paul, have fallen overnight. Nights at MD Anderson shackled by fresh, extensive surgical trauma and more tubes than I’d like to count. Sleep wouldn’t come to me, but the Lord did! God’s peace broke through the discomfort and the fear that my cancer still lived inside me, and He brought unexplainable peace. He also brought worship.

 

My circumstances couldn’t hold back the King. Neither can yours.

 

Paul knew that real joy has never been about circumstances. Are you comfortable? Are you secure? Those don’t bring joy; living in Christ does. Paul wrote:

 

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do all things with Christ, who gives me strength.

 

-Philippians 4:12-13

 

Paul got it. No matter what the table sitting in front of him looked like, Paul knew that the Lord would set it for feast in the presence of his enemies. Paul trusted that God would give him the “strength” for it. 

 

We, too, can take God at His word. 

 

Bright-Eyed in The Presence of The Enemy,

-Alan

2 AM - God never sleeps!

Here it is - it's anniversary time! Trauma comes back as a reaction. And it is. Saturday was 1 year since the MOAS plan began forming. And a month and a day later the surgery and recovery we could have never anticipated. 

I haven't written since April. Truthfully because I haven't wanted to face the trauma last year has left. God has been reclaiming me and our family.

But I placed parts of last year in a box deep in my heart and have chosen to ignore it. Because if I face all the fear, all the pain of last year, I'm not sure I can take it. It may shatter the box I've put myself. 

So I'm sitting here on my closet floor at 2 am, nauseated trying to write the words I know God wants me to write. 

My one kid is learning to fly from a short distance away. She has come so far since last year. But our bodies all feel the anxiety. Even not in the house, she asked about scans on Saturday because her body knows it's time. Scans are mid-October. 

My other kid is still trying to survive the joys and pains of high school! Which let's be honest we all have some level of anxiety looking back. Homecoming is now less than two weeks (a stressful time on all) and yet in our house it will probably forever be associated with the MOAS. Alan missed homecoming last year because he was 5 days post-op. So here goes another HUGE trigger. 

Audrey struggles more than she will ever let on to anyone. She's my tough kid. She takes on everyone else's fears as her own. Her empathy for others is awesome, far greater than mine. But now, this moment, right now, she struggles. Her body reacts to the anniversaries and the triggers from last year, possibly without her full recognition of it. That's a HECKUVA depth of emotion and trauma for one 15 year old.

Alan is in the mode of trying to do everything -and I mean everything - he missed last year. Because he epitomizes living life not knowing if tomorrow will happen. So he exhausts all of us, trying to do all things and be all things he wasn't last year, never knowing what next year will look like. 

Society takes tomorrow for granted. They assume it's coming. We have all four learned that there are no guarantees. And it's scary as hell that we could face that future again. And the triggers are almost too numerous to list at this point. So many dates of significance in a 6.5 year battle. It use to just be Spring dates with a couple of fall or summer ones. But because of last year, we can't flip the calendar without hitting a trigger. 

So why am I sitting on my closet floor nauseous and crying? Because isn't that normal?

Nope just another side effect of cancer in our lives. 

Lord, as we cope with this fall and all the triggers associated, please draw each of us closer to you. Help Alan to realize he doesn't have to be super human. He's here and that's the best gift we could ever ask for. Thank you for the joy Rebekah is allowing herself to experience in this new life phase. Help her to continue the growth visible to all in her. Lord, heal Audrey. Out of all of us, she has the most anger at cancer and the most trauma. Living life with the fears, the treatment realities (most of the lingering ones we don't discuss with others), and the pain she has since 8 is hard on a teenage girl. NONE of your peers get you. LITERALLY NONE. And it's not like 15 is easy without all this. Heal her heart, heal her back (totally different topic) and help her be closer to a "normal 15 year old" and not a "kid of a cancer patient 15 year old." 

Lord for me... okay, I give. I've avoided it for months. I'll take last year out of the box piece by piece and start to deal with what You want me to process through. It will suck! And it will hurt! But okay, I give. I'll let You actually Reclaim Me, all of me, even the parts I have been avoiding!

And that includes posting the blog post he gave me a month ago - tomorrow as I really should sleep...