Never Gonna Let Me Down

 This song was so hard for some much of the last 8.5 years. Maybe times I couldn't sing it at all, literally the words would not physically come out of my mouth. 

My heart questioned whether that was really true or not. It got better for the last 3 years and I have been able to sing it easily. So when we started this season of uncertainty in Sept, the word started to fail me again. My heart started to question. 

I know in my head that God never fails. But I have posted before about this. I question if He is going to fail me with my version of what I believe should occur. That doesn't actually mean God failed. He didn't. My version wasn't His will. And if I am honest, I grapple with wanting His will and my image in my head of what "should be."

This week in the midst of Band craziness, God showed His mercy and favor upon us. 

Alan's biopsy showed fibrosis and NO cancer! Translation: the Unnamed Blob is scar tissue from the chronic inflammation that his body has had since the MOAS in Oct 22. 

Dr. You was incredibly reassuring. We will continue to monitor him per guidelines for all cancers cause by Lynch Syndrome. But there is not another recurrence! My version matched God's will this time!

Thank you Father God!

Unicorn Rides Again

So, gonna be really real and really raw right now. Because as a great friend reminded me, I am allowed to throw a little fit. But then I have to be Melanie, and rise up, put on my high heeled boots and charge into the unknown.

We met with the infectious disease doctor this morning. I don't remember his name because I know his role may only be as significant as the length of the appointment today.

Bottom line, he sees absolutely NO evidence that the tissue increase is due to infection because he sees absolutely NO evidence of an infection. The scans don't show any signs. There is no fever, no elevated white count, literally NO indication that there is an infection. 

He said the only way we would know what is going on was through a biopsy. So he talked to us about the two ways the team could choose to do that. He showed us the scans in detail and showed us and explained how they compare to 12/22/23 when there was an active infection. He said he would email the team back that referred us to him. 

We texted Dr. Fournier (Wise One) and asked for him to review the scans. He responded incredibly quick for a surgeon of his level! He reviewed the scans and wholeheartedly emphasized the only way to know what is going on is to do a biopsy. And told us he would be keeping an eye on things for us. 

Interventional Radiology started the process on a biopsy. Grateful that has started. Not sure who is running point right now, so we did shoot a message out to find out. We have no idea of when the biopsy will happen yet. Pray for a quick biopsy with clear results and a good plan! Pray for peace while living in the unknown again. 

Right now we are struggling with having wasted time chasing down an "infection" that infectious disease says isn't there. We are struggling with almost a month of wasted time. We are struggling with fear of what it is. We don't want round 4. So we were feeling good about it being infection. There are still other things besides cancer it could be. BUT our heads are having a hard time not going to that bad case. 

I want a break! I need him to be okay! Because I feel like I am getting close to breaking... but then I realize that MY LORD has this and while I am angry at the unknown and fear. He knows and He is in control. I won't break. I will bend for a bit and then RISE!

Deja Vu

 When you experience Deja vu do you ever wonder what you failed to learn the first time?  Like seriously, what lesson did I miss? Here it is - one of the girl's senior year with all the activities and facing medical challenges. 

So here I sit, upset with God again for allowing this challenge! Thank you Lord that You, Lord, are big enough to love me even if I am mad at circumstances. Thank you Lord that You alone are sovereign and in control over the unknown. You are still King of our Hearts as we walk through the inconclusive, the unknown because it is NOT unknown or inconclusive to You, Lord! 

Alan's scan got moved up by a month because of some questionable symptoms that made us wonder about infection in that "pocket" again.  So today's results left his oncologist and us scratching our heads. 

There is some tissue thickening... this tissue on the back side of his bladder has been thickening for a while but this time radiology recommends further analysis. Not sure if it's because of the rate of increase, which in 2025 had been markedly faster than 2024 or the size now or that the radiologist is just feeling extra cautious for no reason or if someone just wants to bill insurance for more stuff! 

BUT this tissue is in proximity of the tumor (Mooney, removed in 2022) and the infection. So there is that. Reasons to wonder.

Dr. Dude (Dr. Morris) has no indication whether it is cancer or not. So he is pulling in Alan's previous surgical team, Wise One (Dr. Fournier), Big Sis (Dr. You), and Van Gogh (Dr. Shay).  Once they have all discussed, we will hear back on a proposed plan to figure out the unknown!

Right now we deeply covet your prayers. We know God already knows what is going on with tissue. Prayers for quick clarity of a plan and clear answers. Prayers for peace and patience in the waiting. Prayers for timing of testing and whatever that testing is. Prayers for a lack of anxiety in our house. 

Every Single Day

“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

All the days of my life,

And I will live in the house of the Lord forever.”

 

-Psalms 23:6 NLT

I’ll never live a day when God’s “goodness and unfailing love” aren’t pursuing me. Not on my best day. Not my worst day.

 

Neither will you. God’s goodness and love keep on hunting you down – no matter where you find yourself. God’s love pursues you “all the days” of your life.

 

I’ve found myself cancer free, but still fighting. The Mother of All Surgeries (MOAS) left me with recurrent deep infections. Although I had another surgery about thirteen months ago to fix the infections once and for all, the infection lived on another four months. And to boot, the recent surgery caused a couple small blood clots in my lungs that have resolved.

Yes I'm cancer free, but I'll never be in remission. Cancer can, and probably will, come back. 

 

All that made this post hard to write. I’d wanted to write when everything was done. It’s not. 

 

But God’s goodness and love keep on chasing me. I’ve seen it a million ways. From the rapid recovery of my physical strength after my last surgery, to the strength gained in my marriage to a gorgeous Texas redhead, to that redhead’s personal and professional renewal, to my oldest daughter’s growth into a gifted and faithful young woman, to my youngest daughter’s beginning to work through years of cancer-caused trauma. 

 

I can even see God in an evening out in my backyard, watching my three dogs act the fool. 

 

The Apostle Paul taught, in Romans 8:28, that “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God.” Everything includes the hard stuff. The fights. The tragedies. Yes, God uses them all to pursue you.

 

The trick is opening your eyes to it. Do we see how God uses the hard stuff?

 

God pursues us there too. By the Holy Spirit living inside all Christ-followers, God renews our “thoughts and attitudes” when we let him. That’s Ephesians 4:23. 

 

So keep your head straight:

 

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about those things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

 

-Philippians 4:8b NLT

 

Do that and put “into practice” what you see in Scripture, and the “God of peace will be with you.” You will have God’s peace. It’s laid out in Philippians 4:9.

 

Your head and your actions have been the secret to God’s peace since the Old Testament. The prophet Isaiah cut to it:

 

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,

All who trust in you,

All whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

 

-Isaiah 26:3 NLT

 

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies wants you close. Fix your thoughts, trust with your actions. Stick there – you won’t miss God chasing you every day.

 

Clear-Headed for the Next Fight,

-Alan