"You're so positive."

That’s what folks say. All the time, folks say I’m so positive despite my cancer. But it’s way more than thinking happy thoughts. It’s faith injected into my new heart by the God of the Universe. 

Everybody knows faith is huge. Mustard seed-sized faith can hurl mountains into the ocean.

But faith ain’t natural. From the day Adam and Eve first thought they were smarter than God’s one rule, mankind’s faith was shot. 

God speaks. We just don’t listen. 

“Show us how to increase our faith,” Christ’s disciples asked. Like us, the twelve jokers hadn’t got a clue. 

We try it all to build our faith. We go to church on Sunday. We worship. We decide that’s not enough and go on Wednesday nights too. Not enough yet. We read our Bibles. We pray. Yet we still can’t shake the feeling we’re missing something. Yes we’re barking up the right tree, but there’s more. 

When Christ answered his disciples’ question on how to build their faith, he cut straight to it. It’s all obedience and humility:

“When a servant comes in from plowing or taking care of sheep, does his master say, ‘Come in and eat with me’? No, he says, ‘Prepare my meal, put on your apron, and serve me while I eat. Then you can eat later.’ And does the master thank the servant for doing what he was told to do? Of course not. In the same way, when you obey me you should say, ‘We are unworthy servants who have simply done our duty.’”

-‭‭Luke‬ ‭17:7-10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Christ “showed” us how to build our faith. Like the servant, we obey our Master even when we’re tired, hungry and would rather serve ourselves. Then we humbly point back to God. 

Who likes that answer? I don’t. But that’s exactly how God has worked with me. 

Doing what God says forces me to trust Him. Then the waiting starts. Over the long haul, God shows me that His way works better than mine. That builds trust - and faith. 

God often has to drag me kicking and screaming. I don’t want to do things his way, so I don’t. When I finally get it right, I toss a hissy fit because it didn’t get me instant gratification. In the end, though, God shows me what he did and builds my faith. 

Make no mistake, I’m praying to go cancer free, but I’m not banking on it tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next. Or ever. My faith isn’t in healing, but in the perfection of God’s plan no matter what.

- Alan

Treatment 3

Happy Treatment Day Anniversary to us! Yesterday was our 16th wedding anniversary and Alan's 3rd treatment.

We started the morning with a visit with Jocelyn, Dr. Dude's new Physician's Assistant. We really love his medical team. Nurse Cathy instantly starts joking with us about whatever Alan is saying or doing at the moment, usually being his normal goofball self. Some of the employees of MDA don't  know what to make of Alan's attitude and how much laughter we bring with us. Jocelyn quickly adapted to us. We discussed the side effects we are seeing in great detail. They are very minor so that's awesome. 

We laid out the dates of future treatments and scans more clearly. This was good because we were confused on when exactly he would start the nivoonly treatments. The week of Sept 24 Alan will have a CT Scan, an appt for results and if all is good, his first nivo only treatment. His last treatment of both meds is set for Sept 7th. 

The other important thing about this appointment was the results of the genetic molecular testing on his original tumor. As usual, Alan is a... 

His tumor is HIGHLY MUTATED! Soooo my unicorn is a mutant unicorn. His tumor had 22 genetic markers that were mutated and 3 of those had two mutations. 

So what does that really mean? We don't fully know! Jocelyn said that there is some evidence that highly mutated tumors respond better to immunotherapy! So that was nice to hear. Additionally, this may open doors to potential second or third tier treatments. Right now this treatment regimen is the only known option today to heal him. So having backup options would be nice if this treatment were to fail or stop working at some point in the future. 

These results were our hope. That they would open doors. Hopefully we will know more about what those doors might be at his next treatment. 

Before treatment began, Alan struck up a conversation with Gloria. This turned out to be a very hard conversation for me. Gloria sat near us taking a break during her long walk from her car to her husband's room. Robert has been admitted for bladder cancer that is quite agressive and spread  extrensively. Please pray for Gloria and Robert. 

While we were talking, she mentioned that her first husband passed of colon cancer. At this point, I disengaged. I hated to but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to connect with this woman. She had no clue what cancer Alan had. But I couldn't connect with her because I can't handle the thoughts that immediately started flooding my head. 

After a few minutes I reengaged in the conversation, listening but not participating. Before it was over, Alan prayed for them and Gloria hugged us. 

After she left, we just sat there and I cried. Alan asked if I wanted to talk. I declined. He asked again last night. I still haven't. On our anniversary, I can't bring myself to talk about Gloria and what that conversation did to me. 

BUT regardless of our circumstances, Alan is always looking for who God is placing in our path that he can be used to minister to and show God's love. I love the example my husband sets for me. He exemplifies Christ daily. I am grateful for that witness and long to be more like Christ because of Alan's witness. 

Please join us in praying for Gloria and Robert. 

Worship Is Your Battle Cry

All life - seen right - is spiritual warfare. Paul made no bones about it when he wrote to the Christ-followers in Ephesus. No fight is against the “enemy” you see. Those are circumstances. 

The person you’re at odds with isn’t your real enemy. Nor is cancer. 

No, our real enemy is more sinister. It’s the “evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world,” the “mighty powers in this dark world” and “evil spirits in the heavenly places.” 

You can find peace with these enemies. Think, look, act like the world. Oh yes, these enemies will cheer you on. They may even “bless” you. 

But that’s destructive pacifism. Give no quarter, take no prisoners. Your real enemy lurks to “kill and steal and destroy.” 

If you’re constantly at war, worship is your battle cry. Take any worship song (or psalm) you want. Don’t sing it - shout it. Shout it to strike fear in Satan’s black heart. Shout it to the dark horizon where, when the the morning sun breaks, God will rain down Hell on The Enemy. 

Try it with “This Is Amazing Grace.” Shout these words back to your savior:

“Who breaks the power of sin and darkness?

Whose love is mighty and so much stronger?

The King of Glory, the King above all kings. 

Who shakes the whole earth with holy thunder

And leaves us breathless in awe and wonder?

The King of Glory, the King above all kings.”

Find the whole song here: https://youtu.be/zPQKj2Zptr0. 

You’ll never see worship the same again.

- Alan

Worship is different

Worship is different. Face death long before you’re done with life, and worship changes. 

Some worship songs seem so basic they’re silly. We’re tempted mentally check out and sing along - no thought to the truth we’re declaring. 

King of My Heart is like that. Almost 1/3 of the song repeats “God is good, good,” over-and-over again. 

No kidding, we know! But do we?

Square off with death when you ain’t done, then those simple words get real hard to sing. I’m not talking some existential struggle, but flat out can’t sing. When you open your mouth, nothing comes out. 

My voice couldn’t say what I knew in my core - that God is good. It took weeks of wrestling with God before I could finally sing it again. 

Here’s the thing. God spends all human history proving He’s good. We just don’t see it or remember it. 

We’re culturally conditioned to steal God’s glory. Get out of a tight spot, and you may see God’s hand at first. Then you start to cast yourself as the hero. You write God straight out of the story. You think, “I fixed it, “I escaped it,” “I earned respect.” 

Bull corn. God fixed it. God broke me free. God dropped the mic. 

God reminded me of all the tight spots he’s pulled me out of. Lost a baby before birth? Check. Clueless girl dad? Check. Fired from a job? Check. Wife’s political campaign against well organized opposition with numerous wins already notched? Check. Another campaign like that? Check. Fear to share his gospel until I saw 4th graders boldly witnessing with older kids? Check. Cancer (the first time)? Check, check and check. 

Fact is, our lives have been packed and stacked to force us to trust the God of Heaven’s Armies. It’s been a hard road, but one that pushed us hard to trust God. If I’d never had to do that before, I might never have been able to sing something so simple as “God is good.”

- Alan

King of My Heart

My heart can't sing these words right now.

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

My version of Him letting me down is Alan passing. And I can't sing that my God isn't going to let me down. He may let down my ideal. He may allow this treatment to fail. He may allow cancer to take my husband's life.

What is funny to me is that I can sing the words to many other songs that you would think would be hard. Even If, by Mercy Me, I sing with passion as it is my heart's cry. Thy Will, by Hillary Scott, I sing as I want only His perfect and holy will for our lives. But this one song, nope. 

CS Lewis said, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." 

One of my fabulous pastors at church reminded me of this. You see I know that come what may God is in control and will do whatever is best for us! But the best isn't always what we want or what is the least painful for us. And while I don't doubt God, I struggle to grasp how the "what if" possibility could possibly be "best." That's where my finite mind can't reconcile with God's infinite knowledge and wisdom. Which is where FAITH must step in.

So I know those words above to be true. I know that God isn't going to EVER let me down. I know that EVEN IF Alan succumbs to cancer in the end, God will reign supreme and not let me down. I believe that He will carry the girls and I through that if it occurs. 

But right now, those words won't come. I can think them in my head, but my worship, my singing pours out from my heart; my mouth literally could not form the words. 

Often times in my life, I have had let downs. I have things that I truly felt like God was letting me down. And what I viewed as let downs by God we're truly set ups. Most of the time, it wasn't that He was setting me up for something better, although that was the case sometimes. He often was walking me through something to set me up to be better used for His Glory. Better used to point people to Him.

So right now, I wait on the words to come. I wait on my heart to be able to say what I know to be true. God will never let me down. And as I wait, I pray for our miracle. I pray, I live every moment to the fullest, and I pray. And I walk by faith, trusting that EVEN IF Our Lord will carry us through. For He is Lord of All. 

Treatment 2 Week After Report

There isn't much to report a week post treatment. So far no side effects. Everyone asks how he is or how it is going. Physically, Alan looks fine. He is more fatigued than pre-cancer. But no one really notices that.

We won't know how it is going until we get the next scan late in September. We have no idea if the tumors are still growing or HOPEFULLY shrinking. We have no idea if more tumors have popped up or HOPEFULLY NOT. We have to sit in trust. Do the treatments and go about daily life right now. 

With teenage and preteen daughters about to go back to school, going about daily life is fairly easy and very expected! In our daily routine, it is not uncommon for the word cancer to not come up. And then there are moments in which cancer is all consuming. 

So for now I ask for these specific prayer requests:

• That the drugs are working
• That Alan is healed
• That the girls will transition smoothly back into the school year
• For patience as we sit in trust until the scans
• For us to see clearly who The Lord puts in our path that we are to encourage every day 

Thank you!