King of My Heart

My heart can't sing these words right now.

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

My version of Him letting me down is Alan passing. And I can't sing that my God isn't going to let me down. He may let down my ideal. He may allow this treatment to fail. He may allow cancer to take my husband's life.

What is funny to me is that I can sing the words to many other songs that you would think would be hard. Even If, by Mercy Me, I sing with passion as it is my heart's cry. Thy Will, by Hillary Scott, I sing as I want only His perfect and holy will for our lives. But this one song, nope. 

CS Lewis said, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." 

One of my fabulous pastors at church reminded me of this. You see I know that come what may God is in control and will do whatever is best for us! But the best isn't always what we want or what is the least painful for us. And while I don't doubt God, I struggle to grasp how the "what if" possibility could possibly be "best." That's where my finite mind can't reconcile with God's infinite knowledge and wisdom. Which is where FAITH must step in.

So I know those words above to be true. I know that God isn't going to EVER let me down. I know that EVEN IF Alan succumbs to cancer in the end, God will reign supreme and not let me down. I believe that He will carry the girls and I through that if it occurs. 

But right now, those words won't come. I can think them in my head, but my worship, my singing pours out from my heart; my mouth literally could not form the words. 

Often times in my life, I have had let downs. I have things that I truly felt like God was letting me down. And what I viewed as let downs by God we're truly set ups. Most of the time, it wasn't that He was setting me up for something better, although that was the case sometimes. He often was walking me through something to set me up to be better used for His Glory. Better used to point people to Him.

So right now, I wait on the words to come. I wait on my heart to be able to say what I know to be true. God will never let me down. And as I wait, I pray for our miracle. I pray, I live every moment to the fullest, and I pray. And I walk by faith, trusting that EVEN IF Our Lord will carry us through. For He is Lord of All.