When you can't stop smiling or crying

Here we are 3 years and 6 months to the day since Alan's recurrence. 3.5 years we have walked this metastatic cancer journey. Some days were bad. Some days were good. Some appointments left us breathless. Some appointments left us hopeful. 

TODAY left us both - breathless and hopeful! 

We've been praying and waiting for this day for so long! Our God is faithful! Our God is never late! Our God always has a plan! Even when we can't see it. Even when we don't like it. 

Marvin K. Mooney - his three metastatic tumors. K was gone after the last scan in July!

Today Marvin has vanished from the scans! It is "imperceptible" - to quote Dr. Dude!

AND Mooney is "stable and probably scar tissue." And may always be there in the scans - stuck at 1.8 cm by 1.0 cm. 

After being told this treatment was his ONLY viable option to be here for the girls' high school graduations to now, there really are not enough words to describe the joy we are feeling.

With Alan having Lynch syndrome, we know that cancer possibilities and the chance of this cancer rearing it's head again are high, but for now battle 2 of this war is won! He's down to 4 month scans for the next two and then 6 months! Today, we celebrate battle 2 being done! 

And today, I retire my second hat and pray I never need a third. Counting our joy!

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Security

As women we were created with a need for security. When the fruit was eaten, that desire became a potential area for sin. Our security as women is suppose to come from our relationship with God, the security of walking in the Garden of Eden with Him. 

When Satan tempted Adam and Eve and sin entered the Garden, there were consequences - gee, consequences for disobedience, novel concept!

The separation between God and us is the most significant consequence of all! Our desire for security can only be filled by true intimacy with Him. But as women we try to fill security with the nearest male we can find. As little girls, we have desire security in our Daddies. As teenagers, we long for boyfriends and tend to find security in those relationships. As married women, we expect our husbands to provide security whether that be physical, financial or emotional. If no man is in our life, we find security in our home.

Unfortunately men are just like us, sinful. Some fathers, boyfriends, husbands are not worthy of our trust. And for those of you that have suffered greatly at the hands of abuse from one of the men in your life, I am so sorry. I pray you find complete healing. 

OUR HEAVENLY FATHER is worthy of this trust. He loves you. He is worthy of our trust. He is our ultimate security. 

Four years ago, our lives were turned upside down as you all know. Cancer invades every aspect of our lives, as I have emphasized before. My security was rocked as we faced and still face cancer and the odds of death. 

As we moved into our home on February 3, 2017, my home became a large part of my security. It's been my peace and comfort - my place to hide away from the world. It's been where we have had incredibly hard conversations, amazing fun, fabulous laughs, teary nights and comfortable rest. 

Last night as I sobbed and sobbed about our present living situation, God stopped my tears with a MASSIVE reevaluation. My "security" has been placed in my husband and my home. And for the last many years, I have been walking in faith through this cancer journey but still not fully trusting God with my security. 

Yes, we need to have a place to live on April 30th and right now we still don't. But is it our residence that provides me with a sense of security? Or am I fully trusting Him with security?

So today I commit to walk more closely with Him and trust that He is all I need for my security. That our house can be gutted or in state of repair or all fixed, but my house doesn't provide me with security. ONLY God can do this! So no more tears, only trust!

Four Year Mark

A month ago we hit the 4 year mark on this journey. I think I've finally accepted that this journey is never really going to end. 

My last post, Cancer Fatigue, was after many experiences that deeply hurt. Rebekah, Alan, Audrey and I have all been wounded over this past year by people who don't really get that we are still on this journey or that we still have these lingering fears. 

This Wednesday in the middle of the biggest week of my professional life, Alan got his latest scan results. Unlike normal where we stay home and spend time together and take the video call from there, he came to my office so that I could keep going up until the last second. 

Not surprising, Marvin and Mooney are still present. BUT God! Both are continuing to shrink after 7 months off treatment!! Such a praise!

To quote Alan, nothing but smoking craters. Lord, that's still our prayers. That nothing will remain of Marvin and Mooney just like HE has done with K!

March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month with Lynch Syndrome Awareness Day on March 22nd. March also ushers in preventative screenings! Please pray for great results on these tests. 

Thank you all for walking with us and realizing that this will be a life long journey for us that has and is continuing to shape us and grow us!