Tears flow like rain

So far I've only peopled to vote... it's been all I can manage. I have worked some, but mainly I've just been with our little four family. I've talked to family now and a few close friends - again all I can manage. I grow weary of the conversations - of not having answers or a plan, of them trying to make me feel better, or feeling like I am having to console them. Texts are better because I can pop off a quick thanks without having to engage really. 

Don't get me wrong. We appreciate everyone's love and kindness. Thursday night the girls were really struggling with people and the comments or the lack of comments. We had the challenging conversation about people not knowing how to handle us. They love us, they want to help, comfort, be there, but truthfully most have no clue how to do that. And so they say the "wrong things" or they say nothing at all because of fear of saying the "wrong thing" - it was a great conversation about us giving grace to each other and to those that love us. So pray for them as the girls are massively peopling at DNow this weekend. Pray for grace from the people they encounter, pray for them to have grace for the people they encounter, and pray for their hearts to find incredible comfort from their Heavenly Father this weekend.

I, on the other hand, am avoiding still peopling. Tomorrow, we will attend church and then we will see what Monday brings - what news of results we get and scheduling of tests. Alan is Alan. He's struggling in his way that most don't see, but he is his normal "Mr. Happy Face" self. He hasn't avoided much, because being the patient, he wants everything to be as normal as possible. I get that. 

With the past Battles, the tears flowed like rain whenever I was alone. But this time it's different. I cried when we first were told the news, like rain pouring down my face tears were streaming uncontrollably. But since then I have barely cried. I think I'm in total management mode. I am trying to make sure everyone else's needs are getting met. Trying to take care of what needs to be taken care of and refusing to allow myself to feel. I know the weight of it all will eventually come crashing down on me. But right now I refuse to allow it. I am intentionally holding it at bay, like if I don't feel, it won't be real. 

I'm not ready for another Battle. Yet here we are. So I rise to met the challenge and to take care of my people. 

I'm not ready to feel the fear, the crippling fear that is knocking at my door again. So I refuse to answer the door and just stay numb for a little longer. 

We were good, damn it! He was good, damn it! The girls were processing, feeling and growing past the fear, damn it! Life had resumed normal, damn it! 

Once we have all the testing done, once we have a plan, maybe then I will allow myself to feel the weight of it again. But right now I will not let the tears flow like rain. I'm not ready. I will fight whatever Battles we have to fight God, knowing You go before us. But I'm not ready to fully feel the weight of this again. 

- Melanie