Sitting here tonight, I watch you fall asleep, wondering if your thoughts are like mine. Do they drift to all the what ifs? Or do the reflect back on the last 20 years?
Mine bounce between the fear of the future and the pleasure of the past. Fearing not getting another 20 years. Revelling in the joy of our life. Fearing not growing old together. Celebrating each other's successes. Fearing not cherishing grand babies together. Treasuring the moments with our girls.
The tug of war knot of Fear and Faith has grown exponentially bigger in the past two days. It's all consuming right now. I'm sure that will settle down slightly as we navigate the next stage of this journey. But right now, the fear of losing you is crippling again. It feels just like it did in 2018 and the cancer came back the first time. I don't want to be away from you for even a second. I just want to sit beside you and soak up every moment together. Obviously that is not realistic, but it is what my heart cries out for.
Lord, heal him. Take the fear away. I've begged for these two things for so long now. And Your answer still isn't one I like. It's wait, or not yet. So we keep doing what You've told us to do while we wait on our miracle. We keep loving You, worshipping You and serving You with every breath that we breathe in the middle of the storm. Because the storm doesn't look like it's going to pass, so we praise You in in!
