What if...

I don't often ponder what they would be like if cancer had never entered the picture. I don't think on how different our lives would be if cancer had never come. 

Today I was struck by the videos and pictures of 6 years ago at Santa's Wonderland with the girls. They were younger, yes, but there was a freedom in them. There was no fear in their faces. But just a month later, there was terror. Seeing their daddy unable to stand fully upright and then all that has come since, it does something to a kid. 

Heck, it does something to me!

Someone once mentioned how something had changed in the last few years and how they wish it was still the same. I thought to myself then, yeah I know I have changed a lot in the last 6 years. Walking this journey alters you from the inside out. Or maybe the outside in. 

I'm sure I would have less grey hair! Thank you Lord for hair dye! And I sure would love to have the 6 figures we have spent out of pocket on medical expenses in that time back! 

But seriously, nothing in our lives is remotely the same as that evening at Santa's Wonderland 6 years ago. Every single aspect of our lives is altered - impacted by cancer. 

What would be different? Would I be as protective of my family? Would Rebekah have the same friendships she did then now - because none of her close friends are the same? Would Audrey have matured as much as she has? Would Alan or I have the jobs we do today? Would our relationships with our parents, siblings, grandparents look how they do today? What about our nuclear relationships - how would they be different?

I have always tried to focus on the positive changes in us due to cancer. I know these experiences have given us deeper meaningful relationships, and definitely a deeper faith. 

But today it just struck me how much cancer has taken. Their carefree childhood. Friendships. Time with him while he was sick. Time with me while I worked to provide, when he couldn't or time with me while I cared for him. Career changes. 

Just these last 11 weeks have changed me. I see it. I feel it deep inside. I don't see or feel the changes in the girls as much, but I'm sure they are there. How can they not be? They aren't insulated from the challenges these 11 weeks have brought.

If 11 weeks has changed me so much, how much more have we all changed over the last 6 years... I'll never know. We don't get do overs. There is no crystal ball or snap of the fingers that allows us to make different choices than the ones we already made. Nothing to show us the life we would have had of cancer never came. 

God has guided us down this path for a reason. And even though I hate cancer and hate some of what it has done in each of us, I am grateful. Which is such a weird tug of war of emotions. I just want to sit and cry at the pain, fear, loss we have suffered. And yet I want to sit and rejoice at The Lord's faithfulness. 

So for now, I will sit and let My Lord comfort my tears, my fears, and my hesitations for the future. I will let Him focus me on the blessings of today instead of my worries and my regrets. 

Lord, I fail so often. I say the wrong thing. I say nothing when I should speak. I jump to action when I should sit. I sit when I should act. Thank you for your grace and mercy over me. Thank you for your forgiveness and your love that I don't deserve, but You gave anyway through the sacrifice of Your Son. Lord, heal us all. Lord, use us for Your Glory in spite of our failings. - Amen