Kid of a Cancer Patient

Kids react in different ways. Audrey is more matter of fact and vocal. Rebekah keeps more in and in pushing her this week to share, I realized she is having a harder time than I had realized. Yet her faith is so amazingly strong, it inspires me. So here is the perspective of a teenager who is going through normal teen stuff with this added in!

- Melanie

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Being a kid of a cancer patient is hard.

No one wakes up in the morning and thinks “I hope my dad doesn’t get diagnosed with cancer today”. That is not the way we think.  

We tend to focus on our own problems whether they are big or small. I used to make a big deal on little things like maybe my homework amount or some small drama with friends. These tiny obstacles seemed like the world to me. Now my homework amount doesn’t matter anymore.  

I felt the need to be strong. I want to be there for my family and I cannot do that if I feel broken.

I have a fear that others can’t understand. You don’t know what this fear is like till you are the one who is going through something like this. I have lost close friends because I didn’t want to burden them with my troubles. I thought there was nothing they could do. I wish I had told them that I was scared and that I don’t care about the things I use to.

Somedays all I can think is that my life sucks. It doesn’t seem fair that I have to go through so much pain. 

But God is good. 

He is here for the week and makes them strong. He comforts and is bigger then any fear. And his love and mercy is there for you. 

Normally when we feel like we can’t see God, is when He is working the most in our lives.

Being broken and letting others walk through life with you isn’t a weakness. God made us to encourage one another and to encouraged. 

Life is hard. 

It can bring you to your knees so God can lift you right back up again.

- Rebekah

Why So Positive?

“You’re so positive,” some folks say. Or “You always smile.” Others put a finer point on it, “With a great attitude like that, cancer is no match for you.”

Cancer sucks. I hate my circumstances, but love my life.

Lasting PMA - positive mental attitude - never comes from self-help. It’s straight from the Living God. 

Make no mistake, my attitude isn’t me. It’s God at work in me. 

And God’s work goes way beyond attitude. God is my protector, my healer, my wisdom, my joy. He gives abundant life. He leads me down the right paths (not necessarily the ones I want) for my own good and for his glory. 

And he’ll do that for any human being on the face of the planet. He gives us a new life. 

Our sin, to a perfectly holy God, put us on death row. But God willingly sent his own son, Jesus Christ, to live in our flesh, to experience all the hurts and all the temptations we do, to live a perfect life without sin, and to be brutally (and guiltlessly) executed on the cross for our sins. But then, he rose from the dead - conquering sin and the grave forever. 

We can join Christ in his victory! We stop struggling to be a “good person,” and we trust Christ’s blood alone to make us right with God and commit to make Christ the boss of our lives. Sin and the grave have no more power over us. God’s Spirit hones us over time, devotion, prayer and obedience to live as God’s children and as heaven’s colony here on Earth. 

Christ gives us joyful life. He gives us lasting PMA. And then, we have eternity worshipping our Maker in heaven. 

Everything else is garbage. 

Next time you see me smile, remember why. 

- Alan

Life with Cancer

Some days are awesome. Like yesterday. We went to a fabulous gala. It was a wonderful evening with some fabulous friends. Even had some good laughs over the stupid things people say to cancer patients!

Today hit like a ton of bricks. Two years ago I thought we were near the end of this journey. He came home from the hospital two years ago today. Bocephus, the tumor was dead and gone. His lymph nodes were clear. He was Cancer Free. 27 lbs lighter and looking at chemo to be proactive, but by all intents and purposes, he was well! He was whole. 

Today, we are two years in on a journey they say will last almost another two years if all goes well! He's not cancer free. Marvin K. Mooney has not left. He has treatment every other week and regulates side effects with medication, diet, sleep and best attempts at as stress free of a life as possible. 

Today my fear has been in overdrive. My heart is aching for what Life with Cancer is like. My heart longs for what others have heard, "No Evidence of Disease." My head is screaming that it isn't fair! That no one should have to walk this journey. That it's not suppose to be this way. 

Life with Cancer sucks. Life with Cancer is tough. Life with Cancer brings battles of emotional, mental, relational, spiritual, physical and financial to the forefront of your world. Life with Cancer exposes your weaknesses. Life with Cancer is not for the faint of heart. 

Life with Cancer has brought an unimaginable amount of love to our marriage. Life with Cancer has brought more laughter and goofy moments than you would ever think possible. Life with Cancer has strengthened our marriage and also strengthened some friendships. Life with Cancer has also weeded out those bad relationships that are not needed. 

Life with Cancer has brought true perspective on what is important and what items and who's opinion doesn't matter. Our walk with Christ, our family and our true friends matter in that order. After that comes all the rest. So while today Life with Cancer has been one of those rough days, I would not trade the benefits we have gained for a different journey. God has given us this Life with Cancer for a reason. And so despite how my heart is aching today, I choose joy that we are two years in on a journey that has brought us closer to God and closer to each other. Lord continue to use us as You see fit, Cancer or No Cancer. Just use us!

Mel

Surprise

So the scans were all set on our calendar for Feb 19th and results on the 20th. Until Dr. Dude decided he really didn't want to wait that long! Sooo Alan had his CT Scan yesterday morning and this afternoon we made the trek down to the Med Center for a date afternoon. 

All tumors are STABLE!!! 

Praise Jesus! Reminder stable is great news! 

So now he has treatment again tomorrow. And so long as his body continues to tolerate treatments, he will have them for the foreseeable future. With the next scan slated for 3 months from now. 

Prayer Requests:

- Our friend and fellow warrior Kelly

- Our friend and fellow warrior Kendra

- No complications with side effects and that they stay minor

Thank you!

Take Everything...

If more of You means less of me, take everything...

Those words won't come. Still. 

Today was a tough day in church. Both worship and the message. 

Every other song, I could sing and sing fully. And that song I can sing most of! But those two words, Take Everything, won't come out of my mouth. I don't mean them. I stood with tears streaming, unable to sing them. You see, I don't want God to take everything. I am still scared that He is going to take Alan, and I'm not willing to let go. 

I want to fully be walking with Him, but not without Alan. 

Then Calvin had to hit me hard! Today's message was about planning in pencil, knowing that God writes in ink. Well at the point the sermon started, I was already wondering why we didn't stay home this morning. I mean, seriously, it was raining, dreary, cold to this Texas girl and only one service; it would have been so easy to skip! BUT noooo, God wanted me there. He knew I needed to hear Calvin's message. 

We don't plan like others at our life stage. We aren't planning our next five years of our careers or kids' college plans (although that is coming). Right now everything is planned in short three month spurts. We live from scan to scan. And any potential plans beyond the three month horizon are tentative until scans prove them viable. Our plans are very much in pencil, waiting to see the ink God lays down!

BUT my long term right now is purely one fold: grow old with Alan. So when Calvin started to talk about being flexible with our plans, I started to bow up. You see I am not viewing that as a flexible plan. I know God is in control. But I want MY plan on this, and I don't want HIS plan if it doesn't match mine. So the tears started again. You see I know that God hears my prayers for healing for Alan, but that doesn't mean He will answer them in a way that matches my plan. 

So while I want more of Jesus and less of me, I can't voice the words Take Everything because at this point I refuse to GIVE everything. I refuse to give over my plan that Alan lives another 40-50 years. 

This song and this sermon were way more real sitting where we sit than where most others sit. HIS plans are always going glorify Him. And ultimately that is what I want, to glorify Him in my life. 

So even when I don't want to, Lord, THY WILL be DONE. 

- Mel

Psuedo Growth???

Well after today's appointment, we know 1 thing for sure. God is at work!

Results

Two of his tumors have shrunk some! The third tumor remained stable! And NO new tumors! In the world of cancer and immunotherapy treatment, stability is awesome and shrinkage is even MORE awesome! Medically speaking these results are like the best possible! Alan, the girls, and I are overjoyed at the news. 

Plan Forward

Alan will continue on the single agent immunotherapy, nivolumab every 2 weeks for the next 3 months. After the 6 treatments, he will have another scan to assess the growth, stabilization, or shrinkage! Additionally, Dr. Dude (Morris) will coordinate with an oncologist at MDA The Woodlands for his toxicity checks before treatment, and we will only go to MDA Med Center for scans and results for these next 3 months. 

As all cancer patients and families know, while in treatment, you can plan for the future, but everything is contingent on the next scans. So we are planning for the future and hopeful in the 3 months the scans are as good or even better. 

Recap

Two months ago, the entire colorectal oncology team was unsure if the growth on the last scans was real or pseudo growth. Now they have concluded that it was pseudo. There is no way to confirm that. What we know is that all three tumors showed significant growth after 3 months on the dual agent immunotherapy, ipilimumab and nivolumab and now we show shrinkage and stabilization. Is that because the T-cells invading the tumors made them look bigger than they really were? Is it because they did grow but the treatment just needed longer to work? We don't know. What we know is we serve a mighty God who is in control and for now the treatment appears to be working! 

At the end of the day whether treatment works or not, this time or next time, always and forever or only for a little while, God is good all the time. You see we have faith that He is using our circumstances to draw people to Him, whether that is drawing us closer to Him, our girls gaining a deeper appreciation of trusting God in all situations, our families drawing closer together and closer to God. 

Recently a dear friend of mine's grandson passed away from cancer at the age of 10. Cameron impacted my life as many of my friends had children that went to school with him or played baseball with him, not to mention knowing his grandmother like I do. This young boy impacted more lives than I can count. Their family's faith is strong. 

Yesterday as I prepared to attend Cameron's memorial, I couldn't do it. Satan was attacking hard and my fear of the unknown and of what we would hear today was overwhelming. I've learned to listen to myself more. And to give myself grace where I wouldn't have before in this situation. Cancer is a vile and horrible disease, and I pray for a cure for all cancers some day. But for now, the legacy of Cameron and others that have lost their battle must be how Great Our God still is. Even when we don't understand things, even when the emotions are overwhelming, even when the fear is too great, God is always bigger. He comforts and wraps us up in True Love like only a Heavenly Father can. Doesn't mean things are easy, but it does mean that when we lean into Him, He will carry us through it. 

Prayer Requests

• The Gooch Family and Friends as they grieve the loss of Cameron
• Treatments will continue to work
• Side effects will continue to be mild
• Alan will continue to feel good
• Girls will continue to deal well with all of this
• Transition to Montgomery County Treasurer 

Reflections

Reflection... the last two weeks have been a time of reflection. Combining two of the definitions of reflection in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary gives the true definition of what it’s been like: consideration of some purpose or idea that has sparked thoughts, ideas, opinions as a result.

Some of my reflecting has been based on the last four years (my time on CISD’s School Board); some has been based on since Jan 30, 2017 (Cancer); the final reflection period has been over my entire professional life!

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Starting with the most recent time frame, Alan is the same as my last post. His side effects from immunotherapy continue to be managed well with medication. The medication side effects that were cropping up are now under complete control! What a blessing! He was so good during the election. He was rarely at any early voting sites and allowed volunteers and I to handle it without him. It was definitely hard on him to stay away. Alan doesn’t like to not help anyone and everyone, but especially me! We had many volunteers from church and the community that came alongside us to help!

Today is Alan’s fourth treatment of nivolumab only. He and I will go down to the med center the week after Thanksgiving for scans and results. We are praying for stablity or decrease in tumor size. That would mean the growth of the tumors on the scans at the end of September was “pseudo progression.”

I don’t think either of imagined our lives would be where they are today 16 years ago when we were newlyweds. There is a reason marriage vows say in sickness or in health. At 22 and 24, we were impervious. Nothing would harm us. We now have discussed end of life decisions, have things clearly spelled out in wills, powers of Attorney’s, etc. This is not how anyone predicts life will go. He looks and feels so good, even we have moments of cancer not being at the forefront of our thoughts. But then we look at the adjustments we have made in our life and the mark of cancer is evident. It has shaped our lives, how we relate to each other, how we make decisions, and prioritized things in different ways.

We pray for Alan to be healed and this to be removed from us, but the impact it has left in its wake will be positive! Alan and I work hard to see and find the good in every situation, even metastatic recurrent colon cancer! As Pastor Larry has told us, we don’t know what tomorrow holds, but we know who holds tomorrow!

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Yesterday I presided over the swearing in of the new and re-elected members of CISD’s Board. It was my final act on the Board. 4 years ago I was sworn in with many preconceived notions and a plan. As I learned, what I thought about public education and what is real about CISD are not one in the same. There are always areas for improvement and I do believe that I positively impacted many areas. One of the most pressing issues of our society is manifested in our school children. We have a mental health crisis! And if you don’t believe that, you are like an ostrich with your head in the sand. This is not an issue limited to Conroe ISD. As a nation, our suicide rate in youth, our school shootings, our teachers behaving badly, and bullying are all due to mental health issues. When we have a breakdown in our families and we as a society do not have REAL hope, these issues go undiagnosed and untreated. Then the melting pot of public education becomes the place we’re they are all seen. Kids with anger issues, kids with self esteem issues, kids being harmed. Without treatment and faith, these kids grow up into adults with anger issues, self esteem issues and harming others. Bottom line: Hurting people hurt people! Find a way to help our hurting kids! Contact your local school, mentor these kids, read to their classes, volunteer, and if you see something that seems off, say something. Early intervention is critical to helping our most troubling cases.

I will always be proud of getting Harvey reappraisals approved, but my legacy on this board I hope is more about the mental health awareness of our students and staff, as well as communicating with the public about the business of the district and the education of our children. I pray this doesn't stop now that I am no longer on the board.

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This past week has been a time of major change! An election win, an office move, last School Board functions, Retreat Week with my entire BBK team! For the last 8 plus years, I have been President and Owner of Better Bookkeepers. I have enjoyed growing my company from the ground up! It has been a joy and a delight to work with amazing clients, staff and vendors. The time of me running my business is drawing to a close. I have an absolutely incredible team! I could not be more blessed to know that BBK will be in good hands. With the office move, I removed myself from the "President's Office" and am sitting in the bullpen among my bookkeepers and senior bookkeepers. It is oddly remincient of our first office space where we were subleasing cubes 6 years ago!

I love my business and love what we do with helping businesses. But it is time for something new, a passion God put on my heart! So over the next month and half, I will continue my phase out of BBK and my transition into Montgomery County Treasurer! Everything from my first job in high school at Family Christian Stores in Mesquite, Texas to running Better Bookkeepers has been worked together by God to lead me to this new journey! I am excited to walk where He leads in this position!

Life does not stop, even for cancer. The girls keep us grounded in reality while everything around us progresses. Christ leads our lives, our pursuits, and our hearts!