I'm not enough

This morning in service, RJ led us in the song Here Again. 

The first verse captured me... in the middle! We can't go back to before and we have no control over tomorrow. Living in limbo, living in the middle... as this song continued, my tears started streaming down my face because line after line captured my heart and where I am today. 

You see I'm not enough, as this song says! I need Christ to meet me where I am because YES all I want is all that He is. In this valley, I need His love to rise above EVERY fear I have. And yes, oh yes, God in my weakness is where Your Glory shines that the sun. 

So often in this journey, I feel isolated and alone. But no, NOT FOR A MINUTE, WAS I FORSAKEN! He is right here. He is right here walking with us. He is carrying us through the middle. 

Please read these words below of Here Again! Let them wash over you like they did me. It was cleansing. It was healing to truly hear these words and let them into my heart!

Can't go back to the beginning
Can't control what tomorrow will bring
But I know here in the middle
Is the place where you promise to be

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

As I walk now through the valley
Let your love rise above every fear
Like the sun shaping the shadow
In my weakness your glory appears

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

Not for a minute
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place

Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place

Not for a minute
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place

Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again

I hope this song has blesssd you as it did me. 

- Melanie

Video:  https://youtu.be/L9UbTjlWFZw

Hundred Billion Times

How many things that I have done would do hundred billion times again?

Would it be to give all to the Lord?

Can’t say I have done that in the past few years.

I want to be more like Jesus, but like they say you have to be the change you wish to see. No, I don’t need to be perfect, but I need to change.

A relationship with the One I want to be. Relationship. That word sounds beautiful. I miss it. I LONG to be close to the Lord, but fear is overwhelming.

Why is this so hard?

I use to not be held back. The chains hold me from everything. I feel alone. I hate it. I know the Lord will never leave me, but I can’t help but wonder if it is true? If God is real why do I feel so alone and broken?

My life wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Material things of this world wouldn’t last I know, but I need my dad. I need him to be well. I need my mom not to have to worry about me and my sister. I need my sister to have a normal childhood. I need a normal childhood.

But then it hits me.

What is normal?

Drama? Popularity?

I don’t need that!

Something is missing, but what?

It is that question that kills me.

- Rebekah

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As a mom seeing these words cut like a knife. I do worry about them. I worry about their lack of a normal childhood. I worry about the fact, and it is a fact, that cancer has stolen their childhood. But that's what cancer does. It is a whole family disease. It doesn't just affect Alan. Or even just Alan and I. Or even just the four of us. It affects Alan's mom, dad, stepmom, his sister, brothers, brother-in-law, sisters-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. It affects my mom, dad, stepmom, grandparents.

She is just as broken, just as scared as the rest of us.

Truthfully, everyone in this world is broken. We just all hide it. As my 13 year child has already learned how to do. She hides in books, in her academics, in being the quiet "good" kid.

Why do we all hide the brokenness? Are we fearful of what people might think if they see that we are just as broken and lost as them? Do we feel so much societal pressure that we can't be real?

It's in our brokenness that HE, Christ, Lord of All, King of Kings, is able to work the most! He doesn't long for perfect people, as there are NONE. He longs for the broken because He is the healer. He longs for those that are weak, sad, and alone because He is strong, He is true joy, and in Him we are never truly alone.

What is missing in my kid? The same thing missing in each and every one of us... Relinquishing of our will, our desires, our plans, our need for control over to Jesus Christ.

When we let all of those things go and truly rely on Him, we have an overwhelming peace! But to fully let those go is hard on any adult. How much harder would it be for a 13 year old?

Pray for all of us to truly release our desire for our own will and earnestly seek after His will alone!

- Melanie

Kid of a Cancer Patient

Kids react in different ways. Audrey is more matter of fact and vocal. Rebekah keeps more in and in pushing her this week to share, I realized she is having a harder time than I had realized. Yet her faith is so amazingly strong, it inspires me. So here is the perspective of a teenager who is going through normal teen stuff with this added in!

- Melanie

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Being a kid of a cancer patient is hard.

No one wakes up in the morning and thinks “I hope my dad doesn’t get diagnosed with cancer today”. That is not the way we think.  

We tend to focus on our own problems whether they are big or small. I used to make a big deal on little things like maybe my homework amount or some small drama with friends. These tiny obstacles seemed like the world to me. Now my homework amount doesn’t matter anymore.  

I felt the need to be strong. I want to be there for my family and I cannot do that if I feel broken.

I have a fear that others can’t understand. You don’t know what this fear is like till you are the one who is going through something like this. I have lost close friends because I didn’t want to burden them with my troubles. I thought there was nothing they could do. I wish I had told them that I was scared and that I don’t care about the things I use to.

Somedays all I can think is that my life sucks. It doesn’t seem fair that I have to go through so much pain. 

But God is good. 

He is here for the week and makes them strong. He comforts and is bigger then any fear. And his love and mercy is there for you. 

Normally when we feel like we can’t see God, is when He is working the most in our lives.

Being broken and letting others walk through life with you isn’t a weakness. God made us to encourage one another and to encouraged. 

Life is hard. 

It can bring you to your knees so God can lift you right back up again.

- Rebekah

Why So Positive?

“You’re so positive,” some folks say. Or “You always smile.” Others put a finer point on it, “With a great attitude like that, cancer is no match for you.”

Cancer sucks. I hate my circumstances, but love my life.

Lasting PMA - positive mental attitude - never comes from self-help. It’s straight from the Living God. 

Make no mistake, my attitude isn’t me. It’s God at work in me. 

And God’s work goes way beyond attitude. God is my protector, my healer, my wisdom, my joy. He gives abundant life. He leads me down the right paths (not necessarily the ones I want) for my own good and for his glory. 

And he’ll do that for any human being on the face of the planet. He gives us a new life. 

Our sin, to a perfectly holy God, put us on death row. But God willingly sent his own son, Jesus Christ, to live in our flesh, to experience all the hurts and all the temptations we do, to live a perfect life without sin, and to be brutally (and guiltlessly) executed on the cross for our sins. But then, he rose from the dead - conquering sin and the grave forever. 

We can join Christ in his victory! We stop struggling to be a “good person,” and we trust Christ’s blood alone to make us right with God and commit to make Christ the boss of our lives. Sin and the grave have no more power over us. God’s Spirit hones us over time, devotion, prayer and obedience to live as God’s children and as heaven’s colony here on Earth. 

Christ gives us joyful life. He gives us lasting PMA. And then, we have eternity worshipping our Maker in heaven. 

Everything else is garbage. 

Next time you see me smile, remember why. 

- Alan

Life with Cancer

Some days are awesome. Like yesterday. We went to a fabulous gala. It was a wonderful evening with some fabulous friends. Even had some good laughs over the stupid things people say to cancer patients!

Today hit like a ton of bricks. Two years ago I thought we were near the end of this journey. He came home from the hospital two years ago today. Bocephus, the tumor was dead and gone. His lymph nodes were clear. He was Cancer Free. 27 lbs lighter and looking at chemo to be proactive, but by all intents and purposes, he was well! He was whole. 

Today, we are two years in on a journey they say will last almost another two years if all goes well! He's not cancer free. Marvin K. Mooney has not left. He has treatment every other week and regulates side effects with medication, diet, sleep and best attempts at as stress free of a life as possible. 

Today my fear has been in overdrive. My heart is aching for what Life with Cancer is like. My heart longs for what others have heard, "No Evidence of Disease." My head is screaming that it isn't fair! That no one should have to walk this journey. That it's not suppose to be this way. 

Life with Cancer sucks. Life with Cancer is tough. Life with Cancer brings battles of emotional, mental, relational, spiritual, physical and financial to the forefront of your world. Life with Cancer exposes your weaknesses. Life with Cancer is not for the faint of heart. 

Life with Cancer has brought an unimaginable amount of love to our marriage. Life with Cancer has brought more laughter and goofy moments than you would ever think possible. Life with Cancer has strengthened our marriage and also strengthened some friendships. Life with Cancer has also weeded out those bad relationships that are not needed. 

Life with Cancer has brought true perspective on what is important and what items and who's opinion doesn't matter. Our walk with Christ, our family and our true friends matter in that order. After that comes all the rest. So while today Life with Cancer has been one of those rough days, I would not trade the benefits we have gained for a different journey. God has given us this Life with Cancer for a reason. And so despite how my heart is aching today, I choose joy that we are two years in on a journey that has brought us closer to God and closer to each other. Lord continue to use us as You see fit, Cancer or No Cancer. Just use us!

Mel

Surprise

So the scans were all set on our calendar for Feb 19th and results on the 20th. Until Dr. Dude decided he really didn't want to wait that long! Sooo Alan had his CT Scan yesterday morning and this afternoon we made the trek down to the Med Center for a date afternoon. 

All tumors are STABLE!!! 

Praise Jesus! Reminder stable is great news! 

So now he has treatment again tomorrow. And so long as his body continues to tolerate treatments, he will have them for the foreseeable future. With the next scan slated for 3 months from now. 

Prayer Requests:

- Our friend and fellow warrior Kelly

- Our friend and fellow warrior Kendra

- No complications with side effects and that they stay minor

Thank you!

Take Everything...

If more of You means less of me, take everything...

Those words won't come. Still. 

Today was a tough day in church. Both worship and the message. 

Every other song, I could sing and sing fully. And that song I can sing most of! But those two words, Take Everything, won't come out of my mouth. I don't mean them. I stood with tears streaming, unable to sing them. You see, I don't want God to take everything. I am still scared that He is going to take Alan, and I'm not willing to let go. 

I want to fully be walking with Him, but not without Alan. 

Then Calvin had to hit me hard! Today's message was about planning in pencil, knowing that God writes in ink. Well at the point the sermon started, I was already wondering why we didn't stay home this morning. I mean, seriously, it was raining, dreary, cold to this Texas girl and only one service; it would have been so easy to skip! BUT noooo, God wanted me there. He knew I needed to hear Calvin's message. 

We don't plan like others at our life stage. We aren't planning our next five years of our careers or kids' college plans (although that is coming). Right now everything is planned in short three month spurts. We live from scan to scan. And any potential plans beyond the three month horizon are tentative until scans prove them viable. Our plans are very much in pencil, waiting to see the ink God lays down!

BUT my long term right now is purely one fold: grow old with Alan. So when Calvin started to talk about being flexible with our plans, I started to bow up. You see I am not viewing that as a flexible plan. I know God is in control. But I want MY plan on this, and I don't want HIS plan if it doesn't match mine. So the tears started again. You see I know that God hears my prayers for healing for Alan, but that doesn't mean He will answer them in a way that matches my plan. 

So while I want more of Jesus and less of me, I can't voice the words Take Everything because at this point I refuse to GIVE everything. I refuse to give over my plan that Alan lives another 40-50 years. 

This song and this sermon were way more real sitting where we sit than where most others sit. HIS plans are always going glorify Him. And ultimately that is what I want, to glorify Him in my life. 

So even when I don't want to, Lord, THY WILL be DONE. 

- Mel