Broken

Today I can't find the bright side of being broken like I last wrote about. Today has been rough. Like really rough. I don't even know that I can put it into words. 

Our family is hurting. Our family is scared. Our family is praying. 

Personally I am overwhelmed. Audrey's still not 100% after the car accident. Physical therapy has helped strengthen her back and core, but she is still dealing with a fair amount of pain from the herniated disc. So we are trying to figure that out. Marching brings her such joy but this is affecting that. Rebekah is dealing with normal senior workload, band leadership and college application process but all in all she is taking that in stride. 

Work is challenging right now for me. Not going to go into detail but still in need of prayer. 

And then Alan and cancer. Cancer just sucks. Sorry for those of you that don't like that word. He's had 3 doses now of the stronger drug with the drug that wasn't working in July. So now we are waiting on scans and results mid month. Our hearts are anxious. Like super anxious. We are all walking on eggshells with fear. Our gracious, gracious God is meeting us where we are - each one of us. But this is the part of faith during cancer that isn't pretty! It's real and raw. 

I've had lots of friends and family with cancer over the years and even now. But Alan's cancer is different. This is not your run of the mill colon cancer. This isn't breast cancer. All cancers need more research and need a cure! But let me be blunt for a moment, Alan's specific situation is VERY rare and there isn't any other treatments. The drugs he is on is it! 

As one doctor said a couple of weeks ago, his usually doesn't come back and when it does, his usually responds to the treatment. His just hasn't been doing that. I've called him my unicorn since the beginning of his cancer journey in 2017 and he continues to prove that. 

I don't know why I am even posting this. Maybe it's because we need as many prayer warriors praying leading up to these scans. Maybe it's because even if the scans are good this time, we still need prayers. The trauma associated with this level of unknown doesn't just go away with a good scan. Our family and each of us have been forever altered by the last 5+ years. We can heal, but we will always have the scars from this journey. We will always have anxiety around blood work and scans. 

Writing helps me process my emotions. It helps me process my brokenness. Maybe I was meant to write this to give people a greater insight into the struggles of cancer EVEN for people of strong faith. You see my brokenness is not a surprise to my Lord and He is carrying me through it. But some days that means owning that I'm not okay and none of this is okay. And that cancer sucks. My Lord is so gracious to meet me right where I am. Overwhelmed, scared and broken. 

Tomorrow I'll be better because my God doesn't leave me broken and alone but He walks through all my emotions with me. He shows me how to process and cope to be able to still function. Without His love, grace and mercy, I don't know how we much worse these emotions would be. 

So tonight I continue to feel all my feelings and process. Tomorrow I lean into Him some more and proceed with the things that lie ahead. As I posted last week, "Emotions are a good passenger, but they aren't allowed to drive." So Jesus take that wheel and walk us through whatever is to come. 

Bright Side of Being Broken

The first time I heard this new song by Mercy Me, I just sat numb. The words just really hit me hard. The next time I sobbed my way through singing it. Today, it's more of a conversation with God while I sing and respond. 

https://youtu.be/Zjr4olhvUf0 - Sit and listen... deep down penetrating your defenses listen! I'd love to discuss how this song impacts you. Below are the lyrics and my heartfelt responses this morning. I truly love this song now as it speaks to my heart and gives me healing to respond. So here we go!

Always look on the bright side
Is what they're sayin' - Yeah right! They are clueless!
But the more appropriate cliche
Is easier, easier said than done - so so much easier! I want to look on the bright side. We always find the positives in every situation. We are just having to dig a little deeper right now.

I don't wanna hear
What I'm going through
Is just a season - Nope because this season has last 5 plus years. 
Or that my glass should be half full
When it's in, it's in a million pieces - OH MY Yes! No one gets to tell me anymore what I should feel! My feelings are between me and God. He knows I have anger, sadness, joy, grief, all at the same time! He knows that my heart doesn't have the walls of a glass anymore. It just overflows into His hands instantly.

Life's not over yet - Praise Jesus!
So take a breath - Trying but some days there is just no air that will come.
Cause it gets better - Will it? Really?
Cause the bright side of being broken
Is a heart that's busted open - My heart being broken is a positive. It's taken a while but I actually do believe this now. I am more vulnerable, more real. I have a better perspective than I use to. 

With every break the
Light will chase
The darkness away - Light does chase that darkness away. Every time. 

Yeah the bright side of being broken
Is in the hands that
That are holding
Every piece - Keep holding me Lord.
Reminding me
That it's gonna be okay - His reminders bring such peace. The Lord is so gracious with my brokenness. 

It's gonna be okay - Not yet but going to be.
Woah
It's gonna be okay - Walking by faith and Trusting this even though I doubt it from time to time. 

Even in the darkest times
There's always hope - Yes by His grace!
What we see as a broken mess
Jesus sees a chance to be made whole - Grateful that my LORD takes my broken mess and makes it whole. I need Him more every day. 

Life's not over yet
So take a breath
Cause it gets better - When God? When is it going to get better? It's been over 5 years. Others are healed or gone. When is this going to get better?

Cause the bright side of being broken
Is a heart that's busted open - Wide open! No way to close it anymore. No walls, just raw and real.
With every break the
Light will chase
The darkness away - My heart is busted open. There is no spot unreachable. It's laid on a table in the millions of pieces waiting on the Lord to fix it. I'm waiting on cancer to go away and for it to be healed! I'm longing to see our miracle. 

Yeah the bright side of being broken
Is in the hands that
That are holding
Every piece
Reminding me
That it's gonna be okay - After this long, I am not sure. I'm not sure it will ever be "okay" again. Our definition of okay has changed in the last 5 plus years. What was okay in 2016 is not now. This journey and being broken like this has changed us. In most ways for the better. So Lord I will continue to walk by faith believing You that You are holding us and it is going to be okay. 

It's gonna be okay
Woah
It's gonna be okay - Trusting...

- Mel

Fear and Faith

Sitting here tonight, I watch you fall asleep, wondering if your thoughts are like mine. Do they drift to all the what ifs? Or do the reflect back on the last 20 years? 

Mine bounce between the fear of the future and the pleasure of the past. Fearing not getting another 20 years. Revelling in the joy of our life. Fearing not growing old together. Celebrating each other's successes. Fearing not cherishing grand babies together. Treasuring the moments with our girls. 

The tug of war knot of Fear and Faith has grown exponentially bigger in the past two days. It's all consuming right now. I'm sure that will settle down slightly as we navigate the next stage of this journey. But right now, the fear of losing you is crippling again. It feels just like it did in 2018 and the cancer came back the first time. I don't want to be away from you for even a second. I just want to sit beside you and soak up every moment together. Obviously that is not realistic, but it is what my heart cries out for. 

Lord, heal him. Take the fear away. I've begged for these two things for so long now. And Your answer still isn't one I like. It's wait, or not yet. So we keep doing what You've told us to do while we wait on our miracle. We keep loving You, worshipping You and serving You with every breath that we breathe in the middle of the storm. Because the storm doesn't look like it's going to pass, so we praise You in in!

Nothing But The Blood of Jesus

Today has been a day for no words. I can't come up with the words to describe where I am at. I've been very factual with the few people I've discussed the news with because it all still seems so unreal. 

Sitting on my porch waiting and then watching the rain come down, I kept thinking how I want God to wash it all clean like the rain washes away the dirt. The thunder trumpeting the coming storm, loud and strong and fierce. The rain, each individual drop gentle and cleansing, but together flooding the ditches and crevices. The lightening showcasing the glory of the sky, bright, beautiful. 

Lord, while You use the rain to cleanse our earth, I pray more than ever that Our Family clings to Nothing But The Blood of Jesus. You see our bodies can be clean without being cleansed! 

Cleanse us, Lord. Give us the hope and peace that comes from Your Precious Son's blood! Make us whole again and as white as snow. 

-Mel

What can wash away my sin
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
What can make me whole again
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh, precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
Oh, no other fount I know
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Ooh, ooh

For my cleansing, this I see
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
For my pardon this my plea
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh, precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
Oh, no other fount I know
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Ooh, ooh

Nothing can my sin erase
This is all my hope and peace
This is all my righteousness
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

What can wash away my sin
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
What can make me whole again
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh, precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
Oh, no other fount I know
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Oh, oh, ooh, ooh

Lord, be near...

Attempt 2 at this post! My emotions are all over the place. Trying to communicate where we are without sounding sterile and numb is practically impossible. I feel like a need to express what's going on yet I want to click my heels and go back to 2016 - pre-cancer. Sadly I can't go back 6 years to before all of this. I can't undo the past. I can't parent my girls differently through cancer. I can't shield them from this pain.

The first attempt at this post was full of all the medical crap that I truly to fixate on avoid feeing the depth of the current situation. Bottom Line, because that's all I am capable of right now, tumors are still growing. The current treatment of nivolumab is not working. So we go to plan B. They are adding back in for four rounds, ipilimumab, which is the stronger of the immunotherapy drugs used to treat his type of metastatic cancer. 

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

So we cling to you, Our Lord, be near and complete a miracle in your child. Protect our hearts and our girls' hearts from Satan's attacks. Shield us from more pain. Lord, heal my husband. 

Tired

 

 

“He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to His name.”

-Psalms 23:3 NLT

 

“This too will pass.”

 

Those common words sound wise, but listen closer. They tempt us to miss God’s glory today – smack in the middle of our pain. Those words can tacitly surrender our joy.

 

The Apostle Paul had something deeply wrong. His body tormented him. It must have been a long-running problem because, three times , he “begged” Christ to take it away. Christ didn't. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Christ answered: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” While Paul felt weak, God put His glory on full display.

 

Look hard for God in your circumstances, not for the closest exit.

 

That’s where King David’s psalm comes in. During your struggle, God “renews [our] strength.” Over-and-over again. Every time.

 

Believe me, I know. Cancer is coming for my life, again. Three months into the fight, I’ve found myself exhausted. I’m well into my only real treatment option, and yet, the tumor is still growing. 

 

Typically, cancer stops growing when treatment works. It might even shrink. So the continued growth strikes fear into my heart. Fear whispers into my ear, “You’re tired. Quit.”

 

But God renews my strength. Spending time with the Lord in prayer and in His Word makes room for His Spirit to make my heart strong once again. Following God’s will for my life – and serving others – lets God show His faithfulness. And that reinvigorates my confidence that God will stay faithful, even in my dire fight with cancer.

 

Don’t take my word for it. Scripture bears out what I’ve seen God do.

 

The prophet Isaiah brought good news from God about His comfort. God’s people were weary after years of threats from both foreign nations and internal sin. Right there, God promised new strength for His people who “trust in” Him:

 

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. 

They will soar high on wings like eagles. 

They will run and not grow weary. 

They will walk and not grow faint.

 

- Isaiah 40:31 NLT

 

Jesus Christ himself promised rest. Immediately after praying to His Heavenly Father in thankfulness, Christ turned to those around Him. To those who’d sought Him out. To them, Christ said:

 

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

-Matthew 11:28 NLT

 

Paul wrote about it too. He cut to the meat of why God renews our strength:

 

Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created by be like God – truly righteous and holy.

 

- Ephesians 4:23-24 NLT

 

God never tires. Never sins. Paul says that God renews our stinkin’ thoughts and attitudes, so we can be who God created to be. He made us in His own image, to be “truly righteous and holy.” God strengthens us to shine His light when, outside, it’s dark.

 

King David saw it. He sang that God “renews” our strength and guides us along “right paths, bringing honor to His name.” God gives us new strength to glorify the One who gave it.

 

Scripture teems with promises of God’s guidance and wisdom. King Solomon, the wisest man to ever live, wrote:

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding. 

Seek His will in all you do, 

and He will show you which path to take.

 

- Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT

 

There’s danger in what we think is right. Our hearts lie to us; God doesn’t. He shows us the way.

 

James also pointed us straight to God for wisdom:

 

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

 

- James 1:5 NLT

 

Now for the hard part. No doubt, God guides us along “right paths.” We love the idea that God shows us the right choices to make. But what about our situation in life? Isn’t our situation also

 a path? Don’t we have to trust that, if we’re following God’s guidance and will, even a heart-wrenching path might be “right”?

 

I hate that possibility. But that’s exactly what I believe King David is teaching us. Even a miserable path can be selected by an all-powerful, good and loving God from among infinite other paths our lives could have followed, as the right one. As the one that will bring honor to His name.

 

That’s how Christ answered Paul. Christ explained that His power works best in “weakness.” Christ invited Paul to embrace the day’s weakness, trusting God would show up big.

 

Yes, this too will pass. But will we see God’s glory, despite it? Will others who’re watching us? Don’t miss that opportunity.

 

One last hard part: All these promises are true, but only for God’s people. Are you one?

 

Only through faith in Christ alone, can we join God’s people. We can see our sin and know that a just God punishes all sin with death. But know that God sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to live a life without sin and die on the cross as the punishment for our sins. Nothing else makes us right with God. 

 

If you’re not among God’s people, pray for it today. He’s promised to take you right in – where you can truly taste and see God’s goodness.

 

Walking the Right Path with Renewed Strength in Cancer,

-Alan

Big MDA Week

Busy week of testing and treatment! Scans were Monday, scopes were Tuesday, scan results today, and treatment is Friday. 

In good news, yesterday his endoscopy and colonoscopy were 100% polyp free! First time ever!

Scan News is no-news at best.

Scan showed some growth in the tumor from the last one. A new tumor popped up by it too. The two tumors may actually be one u-shaped tumor, but it’s hard to see a 3D object on 2D scan slices. 

Growth from the last scan is murky. It depends on how you read the scan slices. 

(A CT scan takes multiple cross section images of your body as it moves down from head to toe. Slices.)

Hope is that this growth is just the tumors reacting to treatment by swelling. Last time the treatment worked, the tumors swelled too. Just not by as much as they might have now. 1 month of this scan period was before treatment began. 

We plan to stay the course with the same treatment and scan in 2 months. This treatment is the only real good option. It needs to work. 

Doc will be discussing this with some colleagues for their input and advice. 

Bottom line, please keep praying hard. We’re trying to be positive, but are pretty scared.