MOAS - "Mother Of All Surgeries"

Yesterday was a LONG day at MDA. Appt with Dr. Ludmir (Phineas!!) was quick. He basically said Alan will hate him next week, but this week shouldn't be too bad. So we are mentally trying to prep for that. His radiation dosage is pretty high since it is such a short course. 

We had fun discussing "good music" - Journey, Aerosmith, any rock prior to 1990! He then told Alan that we are basically going old school on his treatment plan with the radiation and then surgery quickly after. So while he will be cursing Dr. Phineas at the end of next week, surgery will happen so soon that he will quickly switch to cursing Dr. You (big sis) and Dr. Fournier (nickname to come)!

Radiation was super fast and no problem. Loved that we ran into Roy when heading to see the doctor. His spirit uplifted us so much! Some people just have a joy that is contagious! He has to be majorly blessing people at MDA like he blessed us that many moons ago at 21 Waterway! (See Alan's independent Facebook post about Roy!)

Next up was Dr. Fournier - peritoneal surgeon - he's the wise professor we all had who has probably saved more lives than anyone would ever know but if the more down to earth humble guy! He and Karen, his PA, outlined so much. The time with them was so good. We learned more than we imagined and came away with great hope in the results of the MOAS - Mother Of All Surgeries!

While Dr. Big Sis will concentrate on removing Mooney and Mooney's twin and resecting the area impacted by them, Dr. Wise One will focus on everything else. He will remove the omentum (the tumor sponge as he called it). Then he will scour every surface in Alan's abdomen and remove any peritoneal tumors. He showed us multiple concerning spots on the scan that haven't been called a tumor by the radiologist but in Dr. Wise One's experience will be. He emphasized that CT Scans are notorious for underestimating the number of peritoneal implants. For example, due to a previously noted "cyst," Alan's spleen is very likely to be removed. 

This MOAS is technically called a HIPEC surgery. HIPEC - Hyperthermic intraperitoneal chemotherapy! They remove every visible spot of cancer and then before closing him back up, they lower his body temp to 38 degrees and then fill his abdomen with chemo heated to 104 degrees. They then spend about 1.5 hours - sloshing it around in him - rocking his body back and forth to make sure it gets every nook and cranny! 

The side effects can be pretty harsh and recovery will likely take 8-12 weeks with an average hospital stay of 10-11 days instead of the 4-7 days with his original onset surgery. 50% of patients experience some complications, but most are very minor. 

To put it in perspective, Dr. Wise One emphasized how he doesn't do this surgery on 50% of cases presented to him because it just isn't effective in cases with implants everywhere. There is a grading system and under 20 is likely to have good outcomes. Most cases have a laparoscopy first, not really time in our case. In that laparoscopy, an additional 20% of cases become ineligible due to the PCI score being over 20. He believes Alan fits that criteria even with any underestimation from the CT. Plus Alan has so much GOOD going for him, age, general health and physical fitness! 

Now for the incredible hope, yesterday left us with! He has 2 patients that are still cancer free and unable to qualify for the trial right now, 1 year post op! Without the vaccine trial (see previous posts for info), the average life expectancy is 62 months from the date of surgery with his longest patients making it 9-10 years. That's a lot of time for other treatments! 

We have called this plan, everything including the kitchen sink, the Hail Mary play, and today old school! New hotness (insert Men in Black flashback) treatments have not worked YET. So we are going to kick it with old and busted (Tommy Lee Jones style - again MIB reference)! Old school will hopefully give us more time for New Hotness to be created and work, killing the Alien growing inside my husband! 

Prayer Needs: 

• Entire list from Monday's post
• Girls - hearts, fears, connection within the family, anxiety
• Alan - better than expected recovery, minimal to no side effects, no depression with slow healing process and longer hospital stay with extremely limited visitors, patience with recovery 
• Doctors - wisdom, steady hands and God given talent
• Mel - peace, management of time, schedules, work, appointments, feelings, everything...

Thank you all again for your love and support. 

- Mel

The Race...

... To surgery!

This journey has been a marathon and a sprint depending on the day, the phase, the view. Overall it is a marathon, but we are in that phase where you are sprinting, hopefully towards the finish line. 

Today Alan began radiation down at the Med Center! As for how he's tolerating it, it's way too soon to tell. The calendar rapidly changed as appointments started populating on MyChart last week. Anyone who has ever been a patient or caregiver with MDA can attest, it can be a whirlwind and overwhelming as they start scheduling things. Even having walked this journey for just shy of 6 years, last week's flurry of dings of more and more appointments caught me off guard. 

Tomorrow we are down there together to handle a check in with his radiation oncologist, radiation and then the consultation with the peritoneal surgeon. The last one is the one I dread. Surgeons are different from what we've dealt with so far. They seem to be more worst case minded and doom and gloom. Oncologists (or at least ours) seem to be super optimistic and rainbows, hearts and flowers! Okay maybe not as overtly fluffy as I make it sound. But you definitely see and feel the difference. 

The rest of the week is "just" daily radiation until his MRI on Saturday. Next week is fairly full with appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Then a weekend of rest prior to the big day! 

Sitting here in my war room, I am wondering why I am posting. I think it's more about me working out my feelings. Emotions are a great passenger, but they aren't allowed to drive is a quote I love but have probably said too much lately. I still don't think I've even begun to process my emotions since the scan results. I've been in manager mode. Heck in some ways, I've been living in that mode since February's scans. And definitely since March 7th when the results of his biopsy came in. 

I'm scared, like down to my bones, scared. I know all the spiritual things. I know God's in control. And He works all things together for good. I know He's a good, kind, loving, gracious God. And not only do I know these things, I believe them. Like deep, deep belief in them. I've written in the past how God is big enough for us to yell, scream and be mad at Him. He gets you right where you are. No matter what your circumstances. 

So please don't preach to me in response to this post. I promise my relationship with God is still good because He's meeting me exactly where I am. 

And that is scared, isolated, hurt, angry, impatient, grateful and hopeful all in one.

I am scared of the impacts of surgery. I am scared for his recovery. I am scared for what "normal" looks like after the surgery - not that we've known normal since Jan 30, 2017 - but even with cancer, you settle into a cancer version of normal. I am scared that surgery won't get it all. I am scared the trial will take too long to start. I am scared the trial won't work. I am scared I will lose my husband. 

I am isolated. I am the parent they get angry at because they don't want to get angry at him. I am isolated because there isn't really anyone that has walked our specific journey. I am isolated because of not feeling like I can truly share all the challenges with very many. I am generally an open book, and I feel like I must protect the three of them keep some things only to me. 

I am hurt and angry that we are STILL fighting this long battle! I am also grateful and hopeful that we are STILL fighting this long battle! I am hurt and angry that my children are scarred by cancer. I am hurt and angry that I am scarred by cancer. I am hurt and angry that my already surgery scarred husband has to go through another more difficult surgery. I am hurt and angry that the most incredibly awesome man of Faith is still fighting this battle.

I am impatient for his healing, for his miracle.

I am grateful and hopeful for the new trial. I am grateful and hopeful for surgery. I am grateful and hopeful for all God is doing around us. I am grateful Alan is younger and in good health (except for that pesky cancer thing). I am hopeful because he is younger and in good health. I am grateful for some of the most world class doctors! And for the most INCREDIBLE medical facility right here in Houston! I am hopeful that those amazing brains at the awesome facility are able to heal Alan. I am grateful that my children have a deeper appreciation for their faith, others' trauma and for their self-awareness. I am hopeful that my children will grow into amazing, empathic adults with an incredible passion for whatever they do with their lives. I am hopeful my children will love deeper and appreciate every moment God gives us on this earth.

Lord, thank you for being a God of the details, a God of the emotions, and a God of TRUTH. Lord, thank you for going before us in the coming weeks and for carrying us through it. Lord, thank you for being right here with me through my fear, isolation, hurt, anger, impatience, gratitude and hope. Lord, be with our girls. Lord, heal Alan. Lord, thank you again for loving us each exactly where we are!

- Mel

Official Plan

It only took a week but we have the official plan! We even have trial consent forms to sign!

So here are the details.

Radiation starts Monday and will run through Friday, daily down in the Med Center! Dr. Ludmir (radiation oncologist) struck us as a real life version of Phineas from Phineas and Ferb. He had a mad scientist vibe to him. We could tell instantly that Dr. Morris and he were good friends. 

When Dr. Dude (Morris) had mentioned radiation first then surgery, we were confused as radiation was not suppose to be helpful with Alan's type of cancer, nor had it ever been presented as an option before now. Dr. Phineas (Ludmir) spent time explaining fully that radiation is not to shrink the tumor but really to "give it a shave," as Alan rephrased back to him. The 5 day short course radiation will clean up the edges and hopefully make the margins cleaner and easier for Dr. You in the tumors' extraction. He also explained all the potential side effects and time line of their presentation. We are trying not to focus on the chances of the negatives but on the awesome positives that this plan could give us. 

During the week Alan will also go through some additional testing that Dr. You (Colorectal Surgeon) wants in order to have a clearer picture for surgery. This testing includes a MRI, PET Scan, and another colonoscopy. I won't bore you with all the reasons why on the testing, so we are currently waiting on all that to be scheduled. Also, she said we will have a consult with the Peritoneal Surgeon next week. And Covid Testing is scheduled for Saturday Oct 15th, so stay the heck away if you have any slight symptoms!! He needs this surgery with no delays. 

Surgery will be the morning of Monday, Oct 17th. Dr. You is lead with the peritoneal and urology surgeons assisting as necessary. We met with Dr. You for the 4th time since his first recurrence in 2018. We both really like her. She's kinda got a big sister vibe to the three doctor team we have right now. You can tell she likes and respects Dr. Morris and Dr. Ludmir but that she also views them kinda how we do!

She spent a good while with us, explaining the need for all the testing, the surgery, the potential side effects/risks of the surgery, the likelihood of small peritoneal tumors and need for both the urologist and peritoneal doctors. We feel confident in her abilities and in the likely results of the surgery. 

Alan could be inpatient at MDA Med Center for 1-2 weeks and we won't know more until post surgery! And MDA is allowing 1 caregiver, plus only 1 adult visitor per day! Yikes!

So here are the prayer needs:

• Radiation side effects are minimal. 
• Uncomplicated scheduling of additional testing and consults next week. 
• Surgeon hands are steady and precise. 
• Complete removal of all cancer. 
• Minimal side effects from surgery. 
• Ease of resection. 
• UIL Region to go well for girls on 10/18.
• Homecoming week to go smooth for girls without being able to visit their dad after such a major surgery. 
• Details surrounding my back and forth from the Med Center to home. 
• Details surrounding all of the normal work and home stuff for both Alan and I, as Bandtober is usually chaotic enough!
• No guilt for me when I am not at one or the other place. 
• No guilt for Alan with not being at things while he recovers. 
• Better than anticipated healing.
• Emotions surrounding the "throw everything, including the kitchen sink at it" approach. 
• And everything I can't even begin to think of yet. 

Our hearts are heavy, not going to lie. The reality of the MASSIVE nature of this surgery, recovery, and odds has hit pretty hard in the last week. None of us still have processed fully through all that! We may not until it's all over. BUT our hopes are high as our hope is in God, as this is the plan He has laid before us. He is the author and creator of life. He is not surprised by the last year. NONE of it has caught Him off guard. We know He is working all things together for good, even when we can't see it. So we walk by faith and trust in Him to heal Alan. The road may be hard, but it's easier because we don't walk alone. 

- Mel

Bad Scans, But Still Hope

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭31:24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When we have faith in the Lord, we always have hope. Because our God doesn't need even 2% odds to make something happen. He's God! So grateful we are His and He is ours!

The scan results weren't what we wanted. At all. Does that mean God didn't hear our prayers or your prayers on our behalf? NO! He heard. And He answered. He showed us a brand spanking new potential path. He was faithful even when we don't like the answer. 

So to the technical stuff so many of you have asked. Sorry I ignored you. We needed to speak with our girls first. 

The two tumors are still growing at the same rate they have been since we found them in February. His scan on 2/15 and his scan on 9/15 both showed between 1-2 mm of growth per month! So while both nivolumab alone and nivo with ipilimumab have utterly FLUNKED, the blessing is that the tumors are still steady growth! They aren't speeding up. Praise!

Next steps: Dr. Dude (Morris) will discuss Alan's case with the tumor board or Brain Trust as Alan calls it. He will call us the next day to discuss their thoughts on our tentative plan - surgery to remove the damn things. 

And then post surgery, there's a super-scientific, nerdy, brand spanking new option that wasn't even an option a month ago. A phase 1 clinical trial for a personalized therapeutic vaccine that is given in combination with immunotherapy to treat the remaining cancer cells. MDA is the only place with this trial! They would take his tumor from the surgery and use it to tailor make a vaccine for him. This isn't like a flu vaccine that is "designed to help you avoid getting the flu," so it doesn't keep you from getting cancer but targets to kill the cancer in your body. Now, that's some cool science stuff right there!

So prayer needs: 

1. The Brain Trust and appropriate surgeons approve him for surgery. 
2. The tumors stay slow growing while we wait on surgery and treatment. 
3. Surgery scheduling is perfectly anointed in timing, as we head into Band-tober for the girls!
4. Recovery from this surgery is suppose to be difficult. For an easier than anticipated recovery. 
5. Acceptance into the trial. 
6. Positive outlooks for us all. 
7. Audrey's heart is really hurting, but she has some big walls up. Pray for them to come tumbling down. 
8. Rebekah's heart is really hurting as she processes all of this in light of her senior year. 
9. Alan - complete healing, for his fear, and for his desire to protect us. 
10. Melanie - peace

Ever since Boston Legal was our show, we have joked that Alan is "Buzz," like Alan and Denny called Brad on the show. Well at MDA, Alan is the second person with his circumstances. The first had surgery a couple of months ago! So he kinda feels like Buzz Aldrin!

Literally no data could predict side effects or effectiveness. Back to the complete unknown.  

Yesterday was a horrible day. We are all scared - like down to the bone - scared. Because even though OUR HOPE is built on Christ, the Solid Rock, this isn't good or trending the way we want it. Surgery was laid out in July as an option to "buy time" until another potential treatment came along. Well, Great news! God was ahead of the curve ball and already provided another potential treatment. 

You see God is always good, even when the situation isn't. His will is perfect even when I don't understand it or HECK, even like it. I want His will to match mine. But I'm not God! I trust in Him always. I've walked without Him and that's when I screw up. 

So for now, we pray and wait... one of which I am really bad at! The first one makes me better at the latter.

Lord, God, heal my husband through the new plan and treatment you have given us. And let us draw nearer to you so we love the way you want us to love these next few months.

-Melanie 

Here is a song I haven't been able to sing in a while, but my worship pastor keeps using in service. Blake knows that despite the pain of the words, they still wash over me and I agree with them, just waiting. He is always faithful and we will lean deeper into Him when we don't understand things. 

Firm Foundation

Christ is my firm foundation

The rock on which I stand

When everything around me is shaken

I've never been more glad

That I put my faith in Jesus

'Cause He's never let me down

He's faithful through generations

So why would He fail now?

He won't

No, He won't, no, He won't

No, He won't

He won't, He won't, He won't, He won't

I've still got joy in chaos

I've got peace that makes no sense

I won't be going under

I'm not held by my own strength

'Cause I've built my life on Jesus

He's never let me down

He's faithful through every season

So why would He fail now? (Shout it out)

He won't

He won't

He won't fail

He won't fail

He won't

He won't (no, no, no, no, He won't fail)

He won't fail

He won't fail

Christ is my firm foundation (let's go) (testify)

The rock on which I stand

When everything around me is shaken (I've never been more)

I've never been more glad

That I put my faith in Jesus (yeah)

'Cause He's never let me down (He's faithful)

He's faithful through generations (so why)

So why would He fail now? (I need you to shout it out) (come on)

He won't

Sing it out, sing

He won't

No, He won't, no, He won't

He won't fail

He won't fail (He won't)

He won't (yeah)

He won't (I've never seen Him fail, no)

He won't fail

He won't fail

I have a testimony

I have a story to sing

This is my story, this is my song

I have a testimony

Can I sing my testimony?

Rain came, wind blew

But my house was built on You

I'm safe with You

I'm gonna make it through (I feel somebody's faith rising)

Rain came, wind blew

But my house was built on You (this is the reason you made it, 'cause)

I'm safe with You

I'm gonna make it through (one more time, oh, rain came)

Rain came, wind blew

My house was built on You (this is the reason I'm standing)

I'm safe with You

I'm gonna make it through (I'm gonna make it)

Yeah, I'm gonna make it through ('cause I'm standing)

'Cause I'm standing strong on You (I'm gonna make it)

Yeah, I'm gonna make it through (my house is built on)

'Cause my house is built on You (one more time, y'all, sing)

Christ is my firm foundation (yeah)

The rock on which I stand

When everything around me is shaken (oh)

I've never been more glad (sing it out)

That I put my faith in Jesus (He's never let me down)

'Cause He's never let me down (He's faithful)

He's faithful through generations

So why would He fail now?

He won't

He won't

He won't fail

He won't fail

He won't

He won't

He won't fail

He won't fail

Never seen the righteous forsaken

And He won't start now

Never seen the righteous forsaken

And He won't start now

Rain came, wind blew

My house was built on You (this is how I made it)

I'm safe with You

I'm gonna make it through (I'll make it)

Rain came, wind blew (they tried to knock me out, they tried to shake me up)

My house was built on You (but my house was built on You)

I'm safe with You

I'm gonna make it through (I'm gonna make it)

I'm gonna make it through (I'm standing strong on you)

'Cause I'm standing strong on you (I'm gonna make it through)

I'm gonna make it through ('Cause my house is built on You)

'Cause my house is built on You (yes, you're gonna make it)

I'm gonna make it through ('cause I'm standing strong)

'Cause I'm standing strong on You (I'm gonna make it)

I'm gonna make it through

'Cause my house is built on You

https://youtu.be/x9ndiD0_qNk

Close Beside Me

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

For you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”

-Psalms 23:4 NLT

You, Holy Father, stick “close beside me.” Nothing else could explain my life today.

Listen up, folks. The quiet confidence you’ll see in me is within your grasp, if you’re humble.

Medically, I’m down to a last stand. Two paths this could go – this last cancer treatment works, or else. 

Never before has Satan come at me with so much fear. 

Fear temps you to walk the wrong road. To puff yourself up with pride, acting 10-foot tall and bulletproof. To lash out at the slightest (perceived) offense. To push people away. Then in solitude, to soak yourself in daydreams of an ugly end. Finally, you “pull” yourself out of it with another, stronger dose of pride. All to start the cycle over again.

Yes, I have my moments where fear wins. But over the years, I’ve gotten to know the God who’s close beside me. And he’s closer now than ever. 

Who is this God – the One who breaks fear and brings peace? He’s exactly who Scripture says He is. 

God’s son, Jesus Christ, warned His disciples like us to expect tough times. The night before Christ went to die on the cross, he taught:

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

-John 16:33b NLT

Christ gave it to us straight up. Life can bring the fear and pain. Despite that, Christ stokes us up to “take heart” in a savior who has already “overcome” the world. 

Christ ain’t sweatin’ the broken world; and neither should we. He’s already won. Christ knew, like King David knew, that God the Father’s love for His flock runs fierce. 

King David sang in Psalms 18 about a dire moment when “the grave wrapped its ropes” around him. He cried out to God, and his prayer “reached [God’s] ears.” Then it hit the fan. The “earth quaked and trembled,” shaking the mountains down to their “foundations.” God split the heavens and “came down” spoiling for a fight. 

The Lord “thundered from heaven.” War cry raised, God’s mighty voice “resounded amid the hail and burning coals.” One blast of God’s breath, and the “bottom of the sea could be seen” and the “foundations of the earth were laid bare.”

Holy Lord, split the heavens now. Come down and save me and my family from this pain. I know that, one way or the other, You will deliver.

My faith holds firm for one reason alone – I’ve built my life on Christ’s teachings. 

Christ promised that same steadfast faith and calm stability to everyone who’ll listen. At the end of his very first sermon, Christ taught from the mountainside:

Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on a solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against the house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. 

-Matthew 7:24-25 NLT

Build your life on Christ’s teachings, build on bedrock. Floodwaters and winds will come, no doubt. But you’ll hold firm.

You’d fully expect to see me crumble. Depression, hopelessness, anxiety, suicide, broken relationships and marriages – all are associated with a long-running fight against cancer. 

Not my journey. Although I should crumble, I’ve seen God come through over-and-over again when I’m following His will. From launching a law firm without any clients, to my wife’s long-shot political campaigns, to mission trips led by kids, I’ve had a front row seat to some miracles. 

Every time, God did the impossible.

I’ve spent countless hours in God’s word, countless more in prayer. I’ve had the joy of watching scores of kids grow in their faith. I’ve loved on my own family. My life sits on bedrock, so keep an eye on what God does this time.

Don’t mistake Christ’s teachings for just another moral code. Christ taught that he was the only way to live forever with a good and holy God:

For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

-John 3:16 NLT

Christ’s death and resurrection alone make up for my sin. Paul cut to it:

You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He cancelled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way he disarmed the spiritual rules and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.

-Colossians 2:13-15 NLT

Every word of God’s promises has rang true in my life. I can tell you. Put me under a microscope and study me, you’ll see.

Then put God to the test. Trust in Christ alone to save you from the consequences of your sin. 

Build your life on God’s Word. The floods and winds will come, but your house will stand strong.

Locked Against The Flood,

-Alan

Broken

Today I can't find the bright side of being broken like I last wrote about. Today has been rough. Like really rough. I don't even know that I can put it into words. 

Our family is hurting. Our family is scared. Our family is praying. 

Personally I am overwhelmed. Audrey's still not 100% after the car accident. Physical therapy has helped strengthen her back and core, but she is still dealing with a fair amount of pain from the herniated disc. So we are trying to figure that out. Marching brings her such joy but this is affecting that. Rebekah is dealing with normal senior workload, band leadership and college application process but all in all she is taking that in stride. 

Work is challenging right now for me. Not going to go into detail but still in need of prayer. 

And then Alan and cancer. Cancer just sucks. Sorry for those of you that don't like that word. He's had 3 doses now of the stronger drug with the drug that wasn't working in July. So now we are waiting on scans and results mid month. Our hearts are anxious. Like super anxious. We are all walking on eggshells with fear. Our gracious, gracious God is meeting us where we are - each one of us. But this is the part of faith during cancer that isn't pretty! It's real and raw. 

I've had lots of friends and family with cancer over the years and even now. But Alan's cancer is different. This is not your run of the mill colon cancer. This isn't breast cancer. All cancers need more research and need a cure! But let me be blunt for a moment, Alan's specific situation is VERY rare and there isn't any other treatments. The drugs he is on is it! 

As one doctor said a couple of weeks ago, his usually doesn't come back and when it does, his usually responds to the treatment. His just hasn't been doing that. I've called him my unicorn since the beginning of his cancer journey in 2017 and he continues to prove that. 

I don't know why I am even posting this. Maybe it's because we need as many prayer warriors praying leading up to these scans. Maybe it's because even if the scans are good this time, we still need prayers. The trauma associated with this level of unknown doesn't just go away with a good scan. Our family and each of us have been forever altered by the last 5+ years. We can heal, but we will always have the scars from this journey. We will always have anxiety around blood work and scans. 

Writing helps me process my emotions. It helps me process my brokenness. Maybe I was meant to write this to give people a greater insight into the struggles of cancer EVEN for people of strong faith. You see my brokenness is not a surprise to my Lord and He is carrying me through it. But some days that means owning that I'm not okay and none of this is okay. And that cancer sucks. My Lord is so gracious to meet me right where I am. Overwhelmed, scared and broken. 

Tomorrow I'll be better because my God doesn't leave me broken and alone but He walks through all my emotions with me. He shows me how to process and cope to be able to still function. Without His love, grace and mercy, I don't know how we much worse these emotions would be. 

So tonight I continue to feel all my feelings and process. Tomorrow I lean into Him some more and proceed with the things that lie ahead. As I posted last week, "Emotions are a good passenger, but they aren't allowed to drive." So Jesus take that wheel and walk us through whatever is to come. 

Bright Side of Being Broken

The first time I heard this new song by Mercy Me, I just sat numb. The words just really hit me hard. The next time I sobbed my way through singing it. Today, it's more of a conversation with God while I sing and respond. 

https://youtu.be/Zjr4olhvUf0 - Sit and listen... deep down penetrating your defenses listen! I'd love to discuss how this song impacts you. Below are the lyrics and my heartfelt responses this morning. I truly love this song now as it speaks to my heart and gives me healing to respond. So here we go!

Always look on the bright side
Is what they're sayin' - Yeah right! They are clueless!
But the more appropriate cliche
Is easier, easier said than done - so so much easier! I want to look on the bright side. We always find the positives in every situation. We are just having to dig a little deeper right now.

I don't wanna hear
What I'm going through
Is just a season - Nope because this season has last 5 plus years. 
Or that my glass should be half full
When it's in, it's in a million pieces - OH MY Yes! No one gets to tell me anymore what I should feel! My feelings are between me and God. He knows I have anger, sadness, joy, grief, all at the same time! He knows that my heart doesn't have the walls of a glass anymore. It just overflows into His hands instantly.

Life's not over yet - Praise Jesus!
So take a breath - Trying but some days there is just no air that will come.
Cause it gets better - Will it? Really?
Cause the bright side of being broken
Is a heart that's busted open - My heart being broken is a positive. It's taken a while but I actually do believe this now. I am more vulnerable, more real. I have a better perspective than I use to. 

With every break the
Light will chase
The darkness away - Light does chase that darkness away. Every time. 

Yeah the bright side of being broken
Is in the hands that
That are holding
Every piece - Keep holding me Lord.
Reminding me
That it's gonna be okay - His reminders bring such peace. The Lord is so gracious with my brokenness. 

It's gonna be okay - Not yet but going to be.
Woah
It's gonna be okay - Walking by faith and Trusting this even though I doubt it from time to time. 

Even in the darkest times
There's always hope - Yes by His grace!
What we see as a broken mess
Jesus sees a chance to be made whole - Grateful that my LORD takes my broken mess and makes it whole. I need Him more every day. 

Life's not over yet
So take a breath
Cause it gets better - When God? When is it going to get better? It's been over 5 years. Others are healed or gone. When is this going to get better?

Cause the bright side of being broken
Is a heart that's busted open - Wide open! No way to close it anymore. No walls, just raw and real.
With every break the
Light will chase
The darkness away - My heart is busted open. There is no spot unreachable. It's laid on a table in the millions of pieces waiting on the Lord to fix it. I'm waiting on cancer to go away and for it to be healed! I'm longing to see our miracle. 

Yeah the bright side of being broken
Is in the hands that
That are holding
Every piece
Reminding me
That it's gonna be okay - After this long, I am not sure. I'm not sure it will ever be "okay" again. Our definition of okay has changed in the last 5 plus years. What was okay in 2016 is not now. This journey and being broken like this has changed us. In most ways for the better. So Lord I will continue to walk by faith believing You that You are holding us and it is going to be okay. 

It's gonna be okay
Woah
It's gonna be okay - Trusting...

- Mel