Never Gonna Let Me Down

 This song was so hard for some much of the last 8.5 years. Maybe times I couldn't sing it at all, literally the words would not physically come out of my mouth. 

My heart questioned whether that was really true or not. It got better for the last 3 years and I have been able to sing it easily. So when we started this season of uncertainty in Sept, the word started to fail me again. My heart started to question. 

I know in my head that God never fails. But I have posted before about this. I question if He is going to fail me with my version of what I believe should occur. That doesn't actually mean God failed. He didn't. My version wasn't His will. And if I am honest, I grapple with wanting His will and my image in my head of what "should be."

This week in the midst of Band craziness, God showed His mercy and favor upon us. 

Alan's biopsy showed fibrosis and NO cancer! Translation: the Unnamed Blob is scar tissue from the chronic inflammation that his body has had since the MOAS in Oct 22. 

Dr. You was incredibly reassuring. We will continue to monitor him per guidelines for all cancers cause by Lynch Syndrome. But there is not another recurrence! My version matched God's will this time!

Thank you Father God!

Unicorn Rides Again

So, gonna be really real and really raw right now. Because as a great friend reminded me, I am allowed to throw a little fit. But then I have to be Melanie, and rise up, put on my high heeled boots and charge into the unknown.

We met with the infectious disease doctor this morning. I don't remember his name because I know his role may only be as significant as the length of the appointment today.

Bottom line, he sees absolutely NO evidence that the tissue increase is due to infection because he sees absolutely NO evidence of an infection. The scans don't show any signs. There is no fever, no elevated white count, literally NO indication that there is an infection. 

He said the only way we would know what is going on was through a biopsy. So he talked to us about the two ways the team could choose to do that. He showed us the scans in detail and showed us and explained how they compare to 12/22/23 when there was an active infection. He said he would email the team back that referred us to him. 

We texted Dr. Fournier (Wise One) and asked for him to review the scans. He responded incredibly quick for a surgeon of his level! He reviewed the scans and wholeheartedly emphasized the only way to know what is going on is to do a biopsy. And told us he would be keeping an eye on things for us. 

Interventional Radiology started the process on a biopsy. Grateful that has started. Not sure who is running point right now, so we did shoot a message out to find out. We have no idea of when the biopsy will happen yet. Pray for a quick biopsy with clear results and a good plan! Pray for peace while living in the unknown again. 

Right now we are struggling with having wasted time chasing down an "infection" that infectious disease says isn't there. We are struggling with almost a month of wasted time. We are struggling with fear of what it is. We don't want round 4. So we were feeling good about it being infection. There are still other things besides cancer it could be. BUT our heads are having a hard time not going to that bad case. 

I want a break! I need him to be okay! Because I feel like I am getting close to breaking... but then I realize that MY LORD has this and while I am angry at the unknown and fear. He knows and He is in control. I won't break. I will bend for a bit and then RISE!

Deja Vu

 When you experience Deja vu do you ever wonder what you failed to learn the first time?  Like seriously, what lesson did I miss? Here it is - one of the girl's senior year with all the activities and facing medical challenges. 

So here I sit, upset with God again for allowing this challenge! Thank you Lord that You, Lord, are big enough to love me even if I am mad at circumstances. Thank you Lord that You alone are sovereign and in control over the unknown. You are still King of our Hearts as we walk through the inconclusive, the unknown because it is NOT unknown or inconclusive to You, Lord! 

Alan's scan got moved up by a month because of some questionable symptoms that made us wonder about infection in that "pocket" again.  So today's results left his oncologist and us scratching our heads. 

There is some tissue thickening... this tissue on the back side of his bladder has been thickening for a while but this time radiology recommends further analysis. Not sure if it's because of the rate of increase, which in 2025 had been markedly faster than 2024 or the size now or that the radiologist is just feeling extra cautious for no reason or if someone just wants to bill insurance for more stuff! 

BUT this tissue is in proximity of the tumor (Mooney, removed in 2022) and the infection. So there is that. Reasons to wonder.

Dr. Dude (Dr. Morris) has no indication whether it is cancer or not. So he is pulling in Alan's previous surgical team, Wise One (Dr. Fournier), Big Sis (Dr. You), and Van Gogh (Dr. Shay).  Once they have all discussed, we will hear back on a proposed plan to figure out the unknown!

Right now we deeply covet your prayers. We know God already knows what is going on with tissue. Prayers for quick clarity of a plan and clear answers. Prayers for peace and patience in the waiting. Prayers for timing of testing and whatever that testing is. Prayers for a lack of anxiety in our house. 

Every Single Day

“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

All the days of my life,

And I will live in the house of the Lord forever.”

 

-Psalms 23:6 NLT

I’ll never live a day when God’s “goodness and unfailing love” aren’t pursuing me. Not on my best day. Not my worst day.

 

Neither will you. God’s goodness and love keep on hunting you down – no matter where you find yourself. God’s love pursues you “all the days” of your life.

 

I’ve found myself cancer free, but still fighting. The Mother of All Surgeries (MOAS) left me with recurrent deep infections. Although I had another surgery about thirteen months ago to fix the infections once and for all, the infection lived on another four months. And to boot, the recent surgery caused a couple small blood clots in my lungs that have resolved.

Yes I'm cancer free, but I'll never be in remission. Cancer can, and probably will, come back. 

 

All that made this post hard to write. I’d wanted to write when everything was done. It’s not. 

 

But God’s goodness and love keep on chasing me. I’ve seen it a million ways. From the rapid recovery of my physical strength after my last surgery, to the strength gained in my marriage to a gorgeous Texas redhead, to that redhead’s personal and professional renewal, to my oldest daughter’s growth into a gifted and faithful young woman, to my youngest daughter’s beginning to work through years of cancer-caused trauma. 

 

I can even see God in an evening out in my backyard, watching my three dogs act the fool. 

 

The Apostle Paul taught, in Romans 8:28, that “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God.” Everything includes the hard stuff. The fights. The tragedies. Yes, God uses them all to pursue you.

 

The trick is opening your eyes to it. Do we see how God uses the hard stuff?

 

God pursues us there too. By the Holy Spirit living inside all Christ-followers, God renews our “thoughts and attitudes” when we let him. That’s Ephesians 4:23. 

 

So keep your head straight:

 

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about those things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

 

-Philippians 4:8b NLT

 

Do that and put “into practice” what you see in Scripture, and the “God of peace will be with you.” You will have God’s peace. It’s laid out in Philippians 4:9.

 

Your head and your actions have been the secret to God’s peace since the Old Testament. The prophet Isaiah cut to it:

 

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,

All who trust in you,

All whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

 

-Isaiah 26:3 NLT

 

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies wants you close. Fix your thoughts, trust with your actions. Stick there – you won’t miss God chasing you every day.

 

Clear-Headed for the Next Fight,

-Alan

21 months

"So we will see you in 3 months for your 2 year scans..."

21 months of NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE! Previously his longest time off treatment was 14 months. That he is at this point this truly a miracle of God! 

April 2018 - we were told if he was here in April 2023 it would be in a major minority. 

But he got the treatment needed (not without challenges) and has fought like hell to stay here. But we know too many (including some dear friends) that have gotten treatments and have fought like hell too and yet they are gone. 

We never want to take for granted than he is a miracle. That by science standards he should not be here. Since the first recurrence, we have been walking on eggshells and living from scan to scan. Maybe that all lessens some at the 2 year mark in October. 

So scan results were good news on all 3 fronts! One, as I said above he is NO evidence of disease still! 

Two, the infection pocket is continuing to shrink. In speaking with Dr. Shay today, they decided to stop the regular monthly check ins. They removed him from antibiotics last month after 7 straight months, so now we will just continue to watch the discharge for any changes. 

Three, his pulmonary embolisms are GONE!!!!!!!!! I think at the moment I may be the most relieved about this. Alan's happy because that means he can run again in the neighborhood. He is still on blood thinners and probably will be for another 3 months. Follow up with Hematology is late in August.

I don't think we could be any more overjoyed at where we are today. So now while we praise Him, we continue to pray for the 2 year scans!

Fear

Yesterday Alan had his standard 3 month scan. No Evidence of Disease, STILL! This is awesome! He is still has a pocket of infected fluid. He's on month 2 of antibiotics, with another month to go. The pocket did shrink another 10% since Feb 26th scan. So that's good!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I had faced all my fears. I thought I had conquered my fears. I thought my faith was stronger. 

Yet I am sitting here in my hotel at my conference unable to people anymore. I realize that I haven't felt this level of fear. I have a stronghold I didn't know existed until this afternoon. And it's truly rocking me to my core.

If you know my testimony, you know how The Lord worked in my life through family tragedy. If not, here goes. In 1998, a precious aunt to our entire family had a blood clot (due to AFib) that went to her Circle of Willis at the base of her brain. She lingered in a coma for 33 days before passing. We had her funeral 2 days before my high school graduation. I was incredibly angry at God because I didn't understand how He could take her. I spent two years hearing God say Go Right and I deliberately chose to go left. This experience shaped me because I learned God is big enough to handle my anger. (And I've written a lot about this in the past!)

Fast forward to right now. Cancer has caused so many fears to surface in me. BUT now I found my greatest fear. Alan's scans showed two blood clots in his lungs. Out of nowhere!

I am paralyzed in fear right now. My fear is one of these blood clots breaking free and causing a stroke or heart attack. I never realized I was scared of this. Completely and totally petrified.

Please pray for the blood thinners to break these two clots down. Pray he quickly gets into the "benign hematologist" at MD Anderson for further testing and potential answers because Dr. Morris's temporary PA couldn't answer anything we asked. Pray for my fear's hold on me to be released.

Confined Day 4

FINALLY!!!! We finally have understanding of why they want him to be inpatient, what the plan is (not sure they had one before our pushing back the last two days), and feel good about it. FINALLY!!!!

Dr. You flat out admitted to avoiding us yesterday because she had no answers for our questions. I love the raw honesty we have with her. While she and Ryan (her PA) were here, Kate (Shay's APN) came by. The 5 of us had a lengthy discussion about us and probably insurance struggling with him being inpatient with NOTHING being different than the last two months of flushing his drain at home, except for the nurses doing it instead of me and him working from a remote office and not sleeping in his bed.

Kate had clear guidance from Dr. You and us on what she needed to connect with Dr. Shay on. Dr. You was waiting to hear from Dr. Fournier. Kate came back after a little bit with better explanations. Dr. Shay will order another "clean out" of the cavity if it turns to looking infected again, like it has in the past. It will get done faster being inpatient than if he was at home. Plus they are down 5 ORs, so inpatient infections get a higher priority. They also put him on IV antibiotics to see if that will help it stay clean.

After a nice visit to the observation floor in the other tower, Dr. Fournier and Dana (his PA) came by. It was so nice to see them. This is the man God used to save Alan's life. We had been questioning if something else was causing the infection. He looked at the scans from November and December. And showed us, how the fingers off of the cavity have lessened and he is not concerned about that. BUT there are some air bubbles on the December scan that are close to some small intestine. So tomorrow morning, Alan will have contrast inserted in his drain to see if the contrast gets into the small intestine. He also emphasized the need to keep Alan inpatient with the OR limitations. The relief we both felt at seeing Dr. Fournier and knowing he was going to be looking at the results tomorrow was great. I got a HUGE hug from Dana as they left.

A little bit later Dr. Shay came by. He is pleased with the plan and very encouraged with the drain output. We appreciate his understanding of all our questions!

Current Plan:

• Contrast Test tomorrow
• Continue to watch drain output
• Fix any problem that arise
• Drain output changing to looking infected again
• Contrast shows a problem
• Muscle movement surgery (tentative for Tuesday, 2/6) so long as the previous 3 are all good

Prayers please. The length of this is wearing on Audrey and I. Please pray for our dynamics as we continue to weather this. Pray for Alan's cabin fever and that he continues to be able to put in full days of work while here. Pray for the above plan. 

Thank you all again for the offers of help. I still really don't know what we need. I told a couple of people yesterday that I am in full on manager mode. I am simply focused on getting done what I can for him and for her, first, then fitting in work, etc. Don't worry I haven't cooked. Although I have been able to delay start some laundry... Truthfully if I have a need that I see someone else can do I will say something. I did today about needing a small blow dryer. And I may end up asking for help getting Audrey to her NCL meeting on Sunday. But right now, I am mostly living hour by hour.

- Mel