Fear

Yesterday Alan had his standard 3 month scan. No Evidence of Disease, STILL! This is awesome! He is still has a pocket of infected fluid. He's on month 2 of antibiotics, with another month to go. The pocket did shrink another 10% since Feb 26th scan. So that's good!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I had faced all my fears. I thought I had conquered my fears. I thought my faith was stronger. 

Yet I am sitting here in my hotel at my conference unable to people anymore. I realize that I haven't felt this level of fear. I have a stronghold I didn't know existed until this afternoon. And it's truly rocking me to my core.

If you know my testimony, you know how The Lord worked in my life through family tragedy. If not, here goes. In 1998, a precious aunt to our entire family had a blood clot (due to AFib) that went to her Circle of Willis at the base of her brain. She lingered in a coma for 33 days before passing. We had her funeral 2 days before my high school graduation. I was incredibly angry at God because I didn't understand how He could take her. I spent two years hearing God say Go Right and I deliberately chose to go left. This experience shaped me because I learned God is big enough to handle my anger. (And I've written a lot about this in the past!)

Fast forward to right now. Cancer has caused so many fears to surface in me. BUT now I found my greatest fear. Alan's scans showed two blood clots in his lungs. Out of nowhere!

I am paralyzed in fear right now. My fear is one of these blood clots breaking free and causing a stroke or heart attack. I never realized I was scared of this. Completely and totally petrified.

Please pray for the blood thinners to break these two clots down. Pray he quickly gets into the "benign hematologist" at MD Anderson for further testing and potential answers because Dr. Morris's temporary PA couldn't answer anything we asked. Pray for my fear's hold on me to be released.