Never Gonna Let Me Down

 This song was so hard for some much of the last 8.5 years. Maybe times I couldn't sing it at all, literally the words would not physically come out of my mouth. 

My heart questioned whether that was really true or not. It got better for the last 3 years and I have been able to sing it easily. So when we started this season of uncertainty in Sept, the word started to fail me again. My heart started to question. 

I know in my head that God never fails. But I have posted before about this. I question if He is going to fail me with my version of what I believe should occur. That doesn't actually mean God failed. He didn't. My version wasn't His will. And if I am honest, I grapple with wanting His will and my image in my head of what "should be."

This week in the midst of Band craziness, God showed His mercy and favor upon us. 

Alan's biopsy showed fibrosis and NO cancer! Translation: the Unnamed Blob is scar tissue from the chronic inflammation that his body has had since the MOAS in Oct 22. 

Dr. You was incredibly reassuring. We will continue to monitor him per guidelines for all cancers cause by Lynch Syndrome. But there is not another recurrence! My version matched God's will this time!

Thank you Father God!

Unicorn Rides Again

So, gonna be really real and really raw right now. Because as a great friend reminded me, I am allowed to throw a little fit. But then I have to be Melanie, and rise up, put on my high heeled boots and charge into the unknown.

We met with the infectious disease doctor this morning. I don't remember his name because I know his role may only be as significant as the length of the appointment today.

Bottom line, he sees absolutely NO evidence that the tissue increase is due to infection because he sees absolutely NO evidence of an infection. The scans don't show any signs. There is no fever, no elevated white count, literally NO indication that there is an infection. 

He said the only way we would know what is going on was through a biopsy. So he talked to us about the two ways the team could choose to do that. He showed us the scans in detail and showed us and explained how they compare to 12/22/23 when there was an active infection. He said he would email the team back that referred us to him. 

We texted Dr. Fournier (Wise One) and asked for him to review the scans. He responded incredibly quick for a surgeon of his level! He reviewed the scans and wholeheartedly emphasized the only way to know what is going on is to do a biopsy. And told us he would be keeping an eye on things for us. 

Interventional Radiology started the process on a biopsy. Grateful that has started. Not sure who is running point right now, so we did shoot a message out to find out. We have no idea of when the biopsy will happen yet. Pray for a quick biopsy with clear results and a good plan! Pray for peace while living in the unknown again. 

Right now we are struggling with having wasted time chasing down an "infection" that infectious disease says isn't there. We are struggling with almost a month of wasted time. We are struggling with fear of what it is. We don't want round 4. So we were feeling good about it being infection. There are still other things besides cancer it could be. BUT our heads are having a hard time not going to that bad case. 

I want a break! I need him to be okay! Because I feel like I am getting close to breaking... but then I realize that MY LORD has this and while I am angry at the unknown and fear. He knows and He is in control. I won't break. I will bend for a bit and then RISE!

Deja Vu

 When you experience Deja vu do you ever wonder what you failed to learn the first time?  Like seriously, what lesson did I miss? Here it is - one of the girl's senior year with all the activities and facing medical challenges. 

So here I sit, upset with God again for allowing this challenge! Thank you Lord that You, Lord, are big enough to love me even if I am mad at circumstances. Thank you Lord that You alone are sovereign and in control over the unknown. You are still King of our Hearts as we walk through the inconclusive, the unknown because it is NOT unknown or inconclusive to You, Lord! 

Alan's scan got moved up by a month because of some questionable symptoms that made us wonder about infection in that "pocket" again.  So today's results left his oncologist and us scratching our heads. 

There is some tissue thickening... this tissue on the back side of his bladder has been thickening for a while but this time radiology recommends further analysis. Not sure if it's because of the rate of increase, which in 2025 had been markedly faster than 2024 or the size now or that the radiologist is just feeling extra cautious for no reason or if someone just wants to bill insurance for more stuff! 

BUT this tissue is in proximity of the tumor (Mooney, removed in 2022) and the infection. So there is that. Reasons to wonder.

Dr. Dude (Dr. Morris) has no indication whether it is cancer or not. So he is pulling in Alan's previous surgical team, Wise One (Dr. Fournier), Big Sis (Dr. You), and Van Gogh (Dr. Shay).  Once they have all discussed, we will hear back on a proposed plan to figure out the unknown!

Right now we deeply covet your prayers. We know God already knows what is going on with tissue. Prayers for quick clarity of a plan and clear answers. Prayers for peace and patience in the waiting. Prayers for timing of testing and whatever that testing is. Prayers for a lack of anxiety in our house. 

Every Single Day

“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

All the days of my life,

And I will live in the house of the Lord forever.”

 

-Psalms 23:6 NLT

I’ll never live a day when God’s “goodness and unfailing love” aren’t pursuing me. Not on my best day. Not my worst day.

 

Neither will you. God’s goodness and love keep on hunting you down – no matter where you find yourself. God’s love pursues you “all the days” of your life.

 

I’ve found myself cancer free, but still fighting. The Mother of All Surgeries (MOAS) left me with recurrent deep infections. Although I had another surgery about thirteen months ago to fix the infections once and for all, the infection lived on another four months. And to boot, the recent surgery caused a couple small blood clots in my lungs that have resolved.

Yes I'm cancer free, but I'll never be in remission. Cancer can, and probably will, come back. 

 

All that made this post hard to write. I’d wanted to write when everything was done. It’s not. 

 

But God’s goodness and love keep on chasing me. I’ve seen it a million ways. From the rapid recovery of my physical strength after my last surgery, to the strength gained in my marriage to a gorgeous Texas redhead, to that redhead’s personal and professional renewal, to my oldest daughter’s growth into a gifted and faithful young woman, to my youngest daughter’s beginning to work through years of cancer-caused trauma. 

 

I can even see God in an evening out in my backyard, watching my three dogs act the fool. 

 

The Apostle Paul taught, in Romans 8:28, that “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God.” Everything includes the hard stuff. The fights. The tragedies. Yes, God uses them all to pursue you.

 

The trick is opening your eyes to it. Do we see how God uses the hard stuff?

 

God pursues us there too. By the Holy Spirit living inside all Christ-followers, God renews our “thoughts and attitudes” when we let him. That’s Ephesians 4:23. 

 

So keep your head straight:

 

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about those things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

 

-Philippians 4:8b NLT

 

Do that and put “into practice” what you see in Scripture, and the “God of peace will be with you.” You will have God’s peace. It’s laid out in Philippians 4:9.

 

Your head and your actions have been the secret to God’s peace since the Old Testament. The prophet Isaiah cut to it:

 

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,

All who trust in you,

All whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

 

-Isaiah 26:3 NLT

 

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies wants you close. Fix your thoughts, trust with your actions. Stick there – you won’t miss God chasing you every day.

 

Clear-Headed for the Next Fight,

-Alan

21 months

"So we will see you in 3 months for your 2 year scans..."

21 months of NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE! Previously his longest time off treatment was 14 months. That he is at this point this truly a miracle of God! 

April 2018 - we were told if he was here in April 2023 it would be in a major minority. 

But he got the treatment needed (not without challenges) and has fought like hell to stay here. But we know too many (including some dear friends) that have gotten treatments and have fought like hell too and yet they are gone. 

We never want to take for granted than he is a miracle. That by science standards he should not be here. Since the first recurrence, we have been walking on eggshells and living from scan to scan. Maybe that all lessens some at the 2 year mark in October. 

So scan results were good news on all 3 fronts! One, as I said above he is NO evidence of disease still! 

Two, the infection pocket is continuing to shrink. In speaking with Dr. Shay today, they decided to stop the regular monthly check ins. They removed him from antibiotics last month after 7 straight months, so now we will just continue to watch the discharge for any changes. 

Three, his pulmonary embolisms are GONE!!!!!!!!! I think at the moment I may be the most relieved about this. Alan's happy because that means he can run again in the neighborhood. He is still on blood thinners and probably will be for another 3 months. Follow up with Hematology is late in August.

I don't think we could be any more overjoyed at where we are today. So now while we praise Him, we continue to pray for the 2 year scans!

Fear

Yesterday Alan had his standard 3 month scan. No Evidence of Disease, STILL! This is awesome! He is still has a pocket of infected fluid. He's on month 2 of antibiotics, with another month to go. The pocket did shrink another 10% since Feb 26th scan. So that's good!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I had faced all my fears. I thought I had conquered my fears. I thought my faith was stronger. 

Yet I am sitting here in my hotel at my conference unable to people anymore. I realize that I haven't felt this level of fear. I have a stronghold I didn't know existed until this afternoon. And it's truly rocking me to my core.

If you know my testimony, you know how The Lord worked in my life through family tragedy. If not, here goes. In 1998, a precious aunt to our entire family had a blood clot (due to AFib) that went to her Circle of Willis at the base of her brain. She lingered in a coma for 33 days before passing. We had her funeral 2 days before my high school graduation. I was incredibly angry at God because I didn't understand how He could take her. I spent two years hearing God say Go Right and I deliberately chose to go left. This experience shaped me because I learned God is big enough to handle my anger. (And I've written a lot about this in the past!)

Fast forward to right now. Cancer has caused so many fears to surface in me. BUT now I found my greatest fear. Alan's scans showed two blood clots in his lungs. Out of nowhere!

I am paralyzed in fear right now. My fear is one of these blood clots breaking free and causing a stroke or heart attack. I never realized I was scared of this. Completely and totally petrified.

Please pray for the blood thinners to break these two clots down. Pray he quickly gets into the "benign hematologist" at MD Anderson for further testing and potential answers because Dr. Morris's temporary PA couldn't answer anything we asked. Pray for my fear's hold on me to be released.

Confined Day 4

FINALLY!!!! We finally have understanding of why they want him to be inpatient, what the plan is (not sure they had one before our pushing back the last two days), and feel good about it. FINALLY!!!!

Dr. You flat out admitted to avoiding us yesterday because she had no answers for our questions. I love the raw honesty we have with her. While she and Ryan (her PA) were here, Kate (Shay's APN) came by. The 5 of us had a lengthy discussion about us and probably insurance struggling with him being inpatient with NOTHING being different than the last two months of flushing his drain at home, except for the nurses doing it instead of me and him working from a remote office and not sleeping in his bed.

Kate had clear guidance from Dr. You and us on what she needed to connect with Dr. Shay on. Dr. You was waiting to hear from Dr. Fournier. Kate came back after a little bit with better explanations. Dr. Shay will order another "clean out" of the cavity if it turns to looking infected again, like it has in the past. It will get done faster being inpatient than if he was at home. Plus they are down 5 ORs, so inpatient infections get a higher priority. They also put him on IV antibiotics to see if that will help it stay clean.

After a nice visit to the observation floor in the other tower, Dr. Fournier and Dana (his PA) came by. It was so nice to see them. This is the man God used to save Alan's life. We had been questioning if something else was causing the infection. He looked at the scans from November and December. And showed us, how the fingers off of the cavity have lessened and he is not concerned about that. BUT there are some air bubbles on the December scan that are close to some small intestine. So tomorrow morning, Alan will have contrast inserted in his drain to see if the contrast gets into the small intestine. He also emphasized the need to keep Alan inpatient with the OR limitations. The relief we both felt at seeing Dr. Fournier and knowing he was going to be looking at the results tomorrow was great. I got a HUGE hug from Dana as they left.

A little bit later Dr. Shay came by. He is pleased with the plan and very encouraged with the drain output. We appreciate his understanding of all our questions!

Current Plan:

• Contrast Test tomorrow
• Continue to watch drain output
• Fix any problem that arise
• Drain output changing to looking infected again
• Contrast shows a problem
• Muscle movement surgery (tentative for Tuesday, 2/6) so long as the previous 3 are all good

Prayers please. The length of this is wearing on Audrey and I. Please pray for our dynamics as we continue to weather this. Pray for Alan's cabin fever and that he continues to be able to put in full days of work while here. Pray for the above plan. 

Thank you all again for the offers of help. I still really don't know what we need. I told a couple of people yesterday that I am in full on manager mode. I am simply focused on getting done what I can for him and for her, first, then fitting in work, etc. Don't worry I haven't cooked. Although I have been able to delay start some laundry... Truthfully if I have a need that I see someone else can do I will say something. I did today about needing a small blow dryer. And I may end up asking for help getting Audrey to her NCL meeting on Sunday. But right now, I am mostly living hour by hour.

- Mel

Confined Day 2

Day 2 of Alan's confinement to P10! He's out in a full day's work from his newly organized remote office! Making the best of it!

Today was a difficult day of lots and lots of questions for Dr. You and Dr. Shay. I'm thankful Dr. You came by while I was there so I could ask my challenging questions. She and I have such a great rapport that I knew she would understand what I was meaning behind some of the words. And she did! Alan asked so many questions and while we got some answers, we are waiting on more before making some decisions. Dr. Shay came after I had left but Alan called so I could be involved in the discussion.

To be clear, there still is not any evidence of cancer but there is evidence that this infection has been present since December 2022 - never fully healing.

So this morning, Alan and I walked to the Observation Floor in the other tower and got him set up to work. It's been nice to have many of the same staff from 10-2022 working the floor, but also just really hard to be there on the 7th anniversary of his original onset.

This afternoon I picked up Audrey and had to deal with her phone issues, including trips to both Verizon and Apple. We can't have her phone randomly dying when at 80% for safety reasons. Now that we resolved that, this mom will feel better.

The bonus was running into one of my retired employees at the Apple Store! 

Hopefully we will know more and be able to share more tomorrow! Thank you to everyone reaching out. We all four appreciate it. And to those asking to help, sometimes the items are just so small, it's more work to ask for help than to just do it. 

Please continue to pray for Alan as he is pretty miserable being stuck there for probably much longer than originally anticipated. Pray for clear plans and wisdom from the doctors and for strong reasoning for us to agree. Thank you for all the prayers.

- Mel

Expect the Unexpected...

Yes, we are reeling... Today has not gone as as expected. We should expect that the unexpected will always happen with Alan. So it's another lesson in expect the unexpected in the cancer world of Alan Bush...

This morning, we arrived at 5 as expected and were taken back quickly. After all the initial sign offs, they took him back right at 7. And then at 8:30, the volunteer came to get me. She said the doctor was there to talk to me. I assumed it was just Dr. You, since her part was suppose to go super fast and easy. BUT standing there with her was Dr. Shay. My heart dropped. I instantly knew something was wrong.

In the consult room, Dr. Shay told me the infection was still bad. That upon getting in there, pus immediately came out. We talked some gross details I will spare you all about that. Then he said, "Insanity is expecting different results while continuing to do the same thing. Sending him home to clean this out via flushing the drain at home isn't working. We would like to admit him - continue to clean out the infection here and shoot for completing the procedure later this week or next Monday...

Amy came shortly after and I told her... amid tears. I just couldn't believe this. After a little bit, I got called back to the recovery room and had to tell him the bad news. Needless to say, while Alan is always positive, this was hard, hard news. He was disappointed and frustrated. We agreed to follow their recommendation.

Around 11:30 we were brought up to the 10th floor again... And then into the same DANG room that he was in post Cold Brew Shake-N-Bake. My PTSD went through the roof... like panic setting in. My heart was racing. After getting him checked in with Gaylord (yes, our nurse is named Gaylord), I asked them to PLEASE move us. Thankfully, they were able to get us moved, due to some magic my sister-in-love pulled off. Amy, words cannot express how grateful we are for you and your friends.

We've spent the afternoon, walking laps and encouraging others. Please be in prayer for the patients coming into our path. We are specifically praying for an introduction to anyone going through the HIPEC (his MOAS procedure from October 2022), so that we may come alongside them and their family to encourage them and walk through this journey with them. We know that Alan was placed here for this time to be used by the Lord, so we walk the halls of this amazing facility with that focus. Pray for Rebekah, as this is new and probably hard being off at college while we are dealing with surgery in the first place, not to mention today's curve ball. Pray for Audrey and I as we manage our emotions, house, animals, school, work, and this unexpected turn of events. Pray for clarity in where I need help. The few people I have spoken to have offered help. But right now I really don't know what I need. 

As a side note: Please also pray for healing for my mother. She fell and broke her arm yesterday. 

- Mel

Fix It Surgery Plan

So almost two year ago we found out Mooney was growing again. January 2022 through the rest of 2022 was the literal worst year of our lives to date. 2023 started off rough, we had about 7 good months and then October started this infection struggle!

Background: Alan had this infection previously in December 2022. In 2 months of draining, the infection was not there but the fluid pocket still was. It has remained until this day. It was showed signs of infection again at the end of October. We got the fever under control with high dose antibiotics and then on November 28th, Alan had a drain placed. 

Last Wednesday the drain fell out on its own. Which was fine since he was scheduled for a second (same type as 11/28) procedure today. Since he hasn't had fever since 11/28 and all his white cell counts were good the week before Christmas, we all were pretty positive the infection was better. But the drain discharge had still looked infected. 

Today's mission: Look around and see if all infection was gone and check how the tissue in the cavity looked. AND for Dr. Shay (plastic surgeon) to come away with measurements and a definitive plan for the Fix It Surgery!

Like most Mission Impossible missions it was MOSTLY successful! The infection is almost all cleared up! So for the next two and a half weeks, we will continue to flush the current drain setup to keep it from reinfecting and clear out any that was hiding during the procedure. Dr. Shay was able to form a great plan for the Fix It Surgery! 

Anyone who has ever been associated with MD Anderson knows that we don't know when yet but it will hit our schedule as soon as an OR is booked. Dr. Shay is shooting for the week of Jan 29th, but MDA is currently renovating 4 ORs, providing scheduling challenges for the docs. 

Fix It Surgery Plan: Dr. Shay will make two incisions on his left inner thigh - one near the knee and one at the top of the thigh. There is an ancillary one that isn't very needed for function, but is perfect one for this. He will basically flip it and finagle it around to fill the open cavity. 

This surgery will involve a couple night stay at MDA at the Med Center, then a 2 week period of no sitting, plus maintenance of two drains at home. After they come out, he will still have 6 weeks of limited activity. It's a great plan, and one we feel confident in. We pray this will resolve the open cavity left from the MOAS's removal and reorganization of internal organs!

Just as a reminder to everyone, my husband is a total stud! His doctors have all said the 1 thing he can do to avoid recurrence or anything new is to work out and eat healthy. During his activity limited time after the MOAS, you may recall him walking miles upon miles to get released and even after we came home. He was back at his preMOAS lifting levels prior to this infection coming on. So Alan is understandably upset! That this surgery's recovery time will have him out of the gym for so long. 

Please pray for timing to be right and for healing to go well! Pray for our hearts as 1/30 is the original cancerversary! Heading into such a big surgery that same week has the potential to do a number on us all. Pray also for us all dealing with such a big thing with Rebekah at A&M. Thankful it's just an hour away!

- Mel

Phase 2 - Procedure Day!

 So much has happened since October 11th. Starting around October 18th, Alan began getting a mild fever in the evenings. his days were fine but around 5 to 7, he would start feeling run down and come down with a fever in the 99 degree range. After a hectic 10 days, Alan went to Urgent Care and was diagnosed with a mild UTI. He started Cipro and we messaged Dr. You's team. We both felt like the fluid pocket in his abdomen had to be infected again. It is the only other time he had an UTI was last December when he had to have a drain placed again.

Cipro worked for a few days with no fever! And then it came back. Dr. You put Alan on high dosage Augmentin on the 4th. The fever went away around the 6th. We got an appointment to go speak with her on the 8th. There we came up with a plan to get Alan through Band Grand Nationals and hopefully Thanksgiving. 

Phase 1 was to continue the heavy duty Augmentin since it was effective in knocking out the fever until after Thanksgiving or whenever it came back. Thankfully, the Augmentin kept his fever at bay through the end of Thanksgiving. On Friday it came roaring back! We were heading back to our VRBO when he started feeling off. By the time we got back to the house, he was running around 100.5. With the nearest hospital over an hour away and not the best for his specific needs, we made the decision to pack up and head back a day early, just in case. Rebekah and I stayed up packing what we could. Alan's fever broke overnight and we were packed and on the road before 10!

Saturday's trip home was long, but mostly uneventful. Rebekah was an amazing help with getting the four of us, our stuff and two trucks. Saturday, his fever maintained around 100.2 range in the evening. Sunday, it came up early, around 1:30 but never got into the 100s! 

Today was Phase 2 Day! We placed a temporary drain in the cavity. Dr. You was wonderful as always. She placed the drain in a different location than last year. She had originally planned to send the fluid sample off to pathology, but today she felt that it was completely unnecessary! The fluid was obviously infected. While there she also found a superficial fissure that she assisted with that will require some nurse skills over the next couple of weeks. We will also follow up with her in 10 to 14 days.

The good news was she hopeful that the cavity might actually collapse on itself with this larger drain in place. The goal is to completely clear out any infection and remaining fluid. IF the cavity does collapse, then Phase 3 will not be needed! SO this is where we need our prayer warriers! We covet your prayers for the cavity to collapse. 

Phase 3 would be a surgery to move some gluteus muscle into the cavity to fill it and hopefully solve this fluid collection issue in the future. 

Right now, we wait on the drainage to either clear it all out and pray the pocket collapses. Pray for good sleep and quick healing of the fissure. Pray that Alan and I continue to be in sync on taking care of his drain and healing.

Grateful

Today was a good, good day!

As Alan posted on Facebook yesterday, 1 year anniversaries don't have a good track record for his journey. The only other time Alan has been "Cancer Free or No Evidence of Disease" was after his original onset in 2017. 

At the one year (April 2018) scan, cancer was back and has been with him up until the MOAS on 10/17/22. So this scan had way more anxiety than any other scan. The girls had been feeling it. We were trying not to worry. And even though our faith is strong and we know God will have glory no matter the results - We wanted good news. 

Well good news, it was! Alan is still cancer free. So we can go into the anniversary of surgery next week with assurance that he is good! 

Alan will stay on a quarterly scan schedule for now. The danger zone of recurrence is still high until after the 3 year mark. He is in such a small group of patients with his type of MSI High mucinous colon cancer that had metastasized to his peritoneum that we are very much in no data land! Because of this, regular monitoring will continue probably until the 7 year post surgery mark.

7 years post surgery... that we even dared to discuss that was incredible. Now we continue into Bandtober with joy.

- Mel 

Before The Real Win

 

“You prepare a fest for me in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings”

 

-Psalms 23:5 NLT

 

God blesses us with good things. He’s the God of feasts, of anointings, of overflowing cups. But don’t miss where King David sang that God blesses us.

 

God does that “in the presence of [our] enemies.” 

 

Right in their face. When our enemies have ambushed and surrounded us, God puts on a feast. We sit and eat in peace with our Heavenly Father – our enemies stumped.

 

You see, God doesn’t always take our enemies out of the picture. Not on this side of Heaven. He gives us life and peace despite them!

 

You know your enemies. You can feel them breathing down your neck. But if you’ll worship God with your life, God will bless you.

 

How true that is for me. God didn’t decide for my cancer treatment to work. Instead, he chose a different path. Over eleven months ago, I had what my doctors called the “Mother of All  Surgeries.”

 

The surgery came by its name honestly. Recovery lived up to it.

 

Good news, bad news. Good news: I’m cancer free for the first time in over five years! A second scan has now confirmed it. I can also do nearly everything I once did. Bad news: I can’t do as quite much as I used to. I get fatigued faster. For the rest of my life, I’ll also wear an ostomy bag.

 

Cancer, my old enemy, still makes its presence known. Vegas odds are that my cancer will come back, maybe sooner rather than later. Any treatment at that point will be experimental, so my odds in the fight would be unknown.

 

Yes I live, but I keep on looking over my shoulder for my old enemy. Even if cancer isn’t demonstrably inside my body now, it’s still part of my life.

 

But still, God keeps on blessing me.

 

My girls’ wounds from the cancer fight are just starting to heal, although the process will probably take years. Melanie has hit her stride in renewing herself. Rebekah has launched to Texas A&M to become a new woman, focused on excellence and God-centered relationships. Audrey continues our family’s legacy in The Woodlands High School’s marching band, loving on the younger students. 

 

We have built memories. My marriage has grown. I am truly blessed.

 

All in the “presence of my enemy.” 

 

Paul knew all about it. At one point, Paul’s enemies had him “severely beaten” and tossed into the “inner dungeon.” His feet lay clamped in stocks. Darkness surrounded Paul near midnight – and in that dark moment, God set the table.

 

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies thundered into the darkness and gave Paul the joy to worship. And Paul expanded his battered chest to belt out praise to the King. 

 

It’s all in Acts 16:16-25

 

Some of my darkest hours, like Paul, have fallen overnight. Nights at MD Anderson shackled by fresh, extensive surgical trauma and more tubes than I’d like to count. Sleep wouldn’t come to me, but the Lord did! God’s peace broke through the discomfort and the fear that my cancer still lived inside me, and He brought unexplainable peace. He also brought worship.

 

My circumstances couldn’t hold back the King. Neither can yours.

 

Paul knew that real joy has never been about circumstances. Are you comfortable? Are you secure? Those don’t bring joy; living in Christ does. Paul wrote:

 

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do all things with Christ, who gives me strength.

 

-Philippians 4:12-13

 

Paul got it. No matter what the table sitting in front of him looked like, Paul knew that the Lord would set it for feast in the presence of his enemies. Paul trusted that God would give him the “strength” for it. 

 

We, too, can take God at His word. 

 

Bright-Eyed in The Presence of The Enemy,

-Alan

2 AM - God never sleeps!

Here it is - it's anniversary time! Trauma comes back as a reaction. And it is. Saturday was 1 year since the MOAS plan began forming. And a month and a day later the surgery and recovery we could have never anticipated. 

I haven't written since April. Truthfully because I haven't wanted to face the trauma last year has left. God has been reclaiming me and our family.

But I placed parts of last year in a box deep in my heart and have chosen to ignore it. Because if I face all the fear, all the pain of last year, I'm not sure I can take it. It may shatter the box I've put myself. 

So I'm sitting here on my closet floor at 2 am, nauseated trying to write the words I know God wants me to write. 

My one kid is learning to fly from a short distance away. She has come so far since last year. But our bodies all feel the anxiety. Even not in the house, she asked about scans on Saturday because her body knows it's time. Scans are mid-October. 

My other kid is still trying to survive the joys and pains of high school! Which let's be honest we all have some level of anxiety looking back. Homecoming is now less than two weeks (a stressful time on all) and yet in our house it will probably forever be associated with the MOAS. Alan missed homecoming last year because he was 5 days post-op. So here goes another HUGE trigger. 

Audrey struggles more than she will ever let on to anyone. She's my tough kid. She takes on everyone else's fears as her own. Her empathy for others is awesome, far greater than mine. But now, this moment, right now, she struggles. Her body reacts to the anniversaries and the triggers from last year, possibly without her full recognition of it. That's a HECKUVA depth of emotion and trauma for one 15 year old.

Alan is in the mode of trying to do everything -and I mean everything - he missed last year. Because he epitomizes living life not knowing if tomorrow will happen. So he exhausts all of us, trying to do all things and be all things he wasn't last year, never knowing what next year will look like. 

Society takes tomorrow for granted. They assume it's coming. We have all four learned that there are no guarantees. And it's scary as hell that we could face that future again. And the triggers are almost too numerous to list at this point. So many dates of significance in a 6.5 year battle. It use to just be Spring dates with a couple of fall or summer ones. But because of last year, we can't flip the calendar without hitting a trigger. 

So why am I sitting on my closet floor nauseous and crying? Because isn't that normal?

Nope just another side effect of cancer in our lives. 

Lord, as we cope with this fall and all the triggers associated, please draw each of us closer to you. Help Alan to realize he doesn't have to be super human. He's here and that's the best gift we could ever ask for. Thank you for the joy Rebekah is allowing herself to experience in this new life phase. Help her to continue the growth visible to all in her. Lord, heal Audrey. Out of all of us, she has the most anger at cancer and the most trauma. Living life with the fears, the treatment realities (most of the lingering ones we don't discuss with others), and the pain she has since 8 is hard on a teenage girl. NONE of your peers get you. LITERALLY NONE. And it's not like 15 is easy without all this. Heal her heart, heal her back (totally different topic) and help her be closer to a "normal 15 year old" and not a "kid of a cancer patient 15 year old." 

Lord for me... okay, I give. I've avoided it for months. I'll take last year out of the box piece by piece and start to deal with what You want me to process through. It will suck! And it will hurt! But okay, I give. I'll let You actually Reclaim Me, all of me, even the parts I have been avoiding!

And that includes posting the blog post he gave me a month ago - tomorrow as I really should sleep...