A Tale of Three Hats

So today I was thinking about my Battle Hats. How it even came to be. 

Being real - I'm not good right now. And haven't been since 8:40 am on 2/16. So I have kept on trucking and ignoring my emotions! So far it's working... I focus on other things and that keeps me from having to deal. 

So anyway, back to my hats. 

Tale of Battle Hat 1

It started out as a campaign hat for my 2014 School Board Race. When I was rushing to get Alan to the hospital on the day this all started, I threw it on as we left. After he was admitted, I wore it pretty much every day. It transitioned into Battle Hat 1 as it was my prettiest hat at the time. It became a thing. I pretty much refused to go to any appointments without it and the couple of times I did bad news got delivered. 

Take of Battle Hat 2

When Alan was rediagnosed, I had forgotten my hat that fateful Day Date at MDA. As we came home, shocked that it was back so soon and in two spots, we didn't know what to think or do. I called my dear friend Bobbie and told her. The response was pretty immediate that I needed a new hat for the new battle. 

It had significance because Bobbie made it but also the clear outward sign of our faith. We needed His presence and comfort as we walked through the Battle. 

Fast Forward to 2/16 this year, I wore this hat at OVER 90% of his appointments. I was not wearing it that day. 

Take Of Battle Hat 3

As I headed home from getting the results with Alan to pick up Rebekah for her flu test, I said to myself, well I guess it's time for a new hat. I stopped by Bobbie's house to tell her and said, I need you to make me another hat. She knew what that meant and we continued to talk about the results and next steps. 

Fast forward through our constant state of hurry up and wait. Tuesday Bobbie took me to MDA to meet Alan so we would only have 1 vehicle there. She had the hat in hand. I canNOT even begin to thank Bobbie enough. 

This picture is bigger than the others on purpose. My friend made this hat very significant to us, to our family, to our faith and to our journey. And sitting here tonight, I appreciate it more than she will ever know. 

First, the flowers are maroon, oh his Aggie heart loves that! Second, Psalms 130, which I am working on memorizing, is written on the backs of the flowers. Third, the button in the middle is a LION! Representing our Lion in Christ but also Joshua 1:9 and the courage we have in our faith! Fourth, the bead flower alone has multiple significant parts! The colors of the beads, maroon for Alan, "auburn" for me, blonde for Rebekah, blue for Audrey. The flower "pedals" have four, representing each of us and then 1 more with a cross, representing our family's foundation - Christ!

This is the tale of 3 Battle Hats. While we wait on biopsy results, we focus on Him and Him alone!

Praise and Prayer Requests

PRAISE! On Monday our worst fears were put at ease when the PET Scan results didn't show any additional spread. Waiting through the weekend was torture on our emotions and the mind games Satan tried to play. 

Since Monday we've been "not so" patiently waiting for the next thing to be scheduled. This evening we got the scheduling notice for his biopsy of Mooney for Tuesday, Election Day! It's so nice to have it on the calendar. 

Now for our specific prayer requests.

• Pray for clear biopsy results - mucinous tumors can be challenging to get good and accurate samples with needle biopsies. We ask that the samples will be very clear and accurate!
• Pray for the biopsy itself to go well. This tumor is challenging to get to and a biopsy in the past had some pretty negative consequences! We are a little nervous about biopsies!
• Pray for a clear treatment plan and path towards complete healing. Grant his doctor wisdom. And grant us peace with the plan. 
• Pray for our family as we all process in our own way. Specifically for unity and grace with each other. 

Tears flow like rain

So far I've only peopled to vote... it's been all I can manage. I have worked some, but mainly I've just been with our little four family. I've talked to family now and a few close friends - again all I can manage. I grow weary of the conversations - of not having answers or a plan, of them trying to make me feel better, or feeling like I am having to console them. Texts are better because I can pop off a quick thanks without having to engage really. 

Don't get me wrong. We appreciate everyone's love and kindness. Thursday night the girls were really struggling with people and the comments or the lack of comments. We had the challenging conversation about people not knowing how to handle us. They love us, they want to help, comfort, be there, but truthfully most have no clue how to do that. And so they say the "wrong things" or they say nothing at all because of fear of saying the "wrong thing" - it was a great conversation about us giving grace to each other and to those that love us. So pray for them as the girls are massively peopling at DNow this weekend. Pray for grace from the people they encounter, pray for them to have grace for the people they encounter, and pray for their hearts to find incredible comfort from their Heavenly Father this weekend.

I, on the other hand, am avoiding still peopling. Tomorrow, we will attend church and then we will see what Monday brings - what news of results we get and scheduling of tests. Alan is Alan. He's struggling in his way that most don't see, but he is his normal "Mr. Happy Face" self. He hasn't avoided much, because being the patient, he wants everything to be as normal as possible. I get that. 

With the past Battles, the tears flowed like rain whenever I was alone. But this time it's different. I cried when we first were told the news, like rain pouring down my face tears were streaming uncontrollably. But since then I have barely cried. I think I'm in total management mode. I am trying to make sure everyone else's needs are getting met. Trying to take care of what needs to be taken care of and refusing to allow myself to feel. I know the weight of it all will eventually come crashing down on me. But right now I refuse to allow it. I am intentionally holding it at bay, like if I don't feel, it won't be real. 

I'm not ready for another Battle. Yet here we are. So I rise to met the challenge and to take care of my people. 

I'm not ready to feel the fear, the crippling fear that is knocking at my door again. So I refuse to answer the door and just stay numb for a little longer. 

We were good, damn it! He was good, damn it! The girls were processing, feeling and growing past the fear, damn it! Life had resumed normal, damn it! 

Once we have all the testing done, once we have a plan, maybe then I will allow myself to feel the weight of it again. But right now I will not let the tears flow like rain. I'm not ready. I will fight whatever Battles we have to fight God, knowing You go before us. But I'm not ready to fully feel the weight of this again. 

- Melanie

The other shoe...

When cancer enters into your life, your focus, vision, goals, perspective, EVERYTHING changes. 5 years and 18 days ago (January 30, 2017) was that moment. At 38, 36, 11 and 8, our world was turned upside down. 

Then we were good until April 4, 2018 - Rebekah's 13th Birthday. Cancer Round 2 began. Those of you that have followed us and our story, you know what we have walked through, if not, please feel free to read previous posts. I don't want to bore everyone with the recap here. 

On October 6, 2021, I retired Round 2's hat - as Mooney had been stable for so long now and Marvin and K were imperceptible. 

Well today the other shoe dropped! After 4 months and 10 days of joy at Battle 2 being done, the scan showed significant growth. The tumor's area has more that doubled. 

We are blindsided by this news. We have been making plans further out than Scan-to-Scan which had been our life for so long now. We have been so full of life and hope that going into this scan NONE of us even considered that Mooney would be anything other than stable. But alas it is not as we expected. 

How often is life actually as we expect? So we walk into the next Battle armed with love, life, hope and faith. Battle 3 began this morning with shock, tears, cursing, and renewed fear in each of us that we don't wish on ANYONE else. But then Battle 3 met Our Faith, as Alan and I clung to each other and prayed through the tears and the fears. 

As I told each of our daughters this afternoon, more tears fell but also renewed conviction that God is guiding us. Later as the four of us discussed, we all strongly came together and discussed how God has each of us in a better place to support each other through this than in the previous two battles.

I'll update more in the coming days but for now we desire your prayers for healing, wisdom with decisions, unity and patience with each other, and most importantly His Glory to show through us. 

- Melanie

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭10:3-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When you can't stop smiling or crying

Here we are 3 years and 6 months to the day since Alan's recurrence. 3.5 years we have walked this metastatic cancer journey. Some days were bad. Some days were good. Some appointments left us breathless. Some appointments left us hopeful. 

TODAY left us both - breathless and hopeful! 

We've been praying and waiting for this day for so long! Our God is faithful! Our God is never late! Our God always has a plan! Even when we can't see it. Even when we don't like it. 

Marvin K. Mooney - his three metastatic tumors. K was gone after the last scan in July!

Today Marvin has vanished from the scans! It is "imperceptible" - to quote Dr. Dude!

AND Mooney is "stable and probably scar tissue." And may always be there in the scans - stuck at 1.8 cm by 1.0 cm. 

After being told this treatment was his ONLY viable option to be here for the girls' high school graduations to now, there really are not enough words to describe the joy we are feeling.

With Alan having Lynch syndrome, we know that cancer possibilities and the chance of this cancer rearing it's head again are high, but for now battle 2 of this war is won! He's down to 4 month scans for the next two and then 6 months! Today, we celebrate battle 2 being done! 

And today, I retire my second hat and pray I never need a third. Counting our joy!

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Security

As women we were created with a need for security. When the fruit was eaten, that desire became a potential area for sin. Our security as women is suppose to come from our relationship with God, the security of walking in the Garden of Eden with Him. 

When Satan tempted Adam and Eve and sin entered the Garden, there were consequences - gee, consequences for disobedience, novel concept!

The separation between God and us is the most significant consequence of all! Our desire for security can only be filled by true intimacy with Him. But as women we try to fill security with the nearest male we can find. As little girls, we have desire security in our Daddies. As teenagers, we long for boyfriends and tend to find security in those relationships. As married women, we expect our husbands to provide security whether that be physical, financial or emotional. If no man is in our life, we find security in our home.

Unfortunately men are just like us, sinful. Some fathers, boyfriends, husbands are not worthy of our trust. And for those of you that have suffered greatly at the hands of abuse from one of the men in your life, I am so sorry. I pray you find complete healing. 

OUR HEAVENLY FATHER is worthy of this trust. He loves you. He is worthy of our trust. He is our ultimate security. 

Four years ago, our lives were turned upside down as you all know. Cancer invades every aspect of our lives, as I have emphasized before. My security was rocked as we faced and still face cancer and the odds of death. 

As we moved into our home on February 3, 2017, my home became a large part of my security. It's been my peace and comfort - my place to hide away from the world. It's been where we have had incredibly hard conversations, amazing fun, fabulous laughs, teary nights and comfortable rest. 

Last night as I sobbed and sobbed about our present living situation, God stopped my tears with a MASSIVE reevaluation. My "security" has been placed in my husband and my home. And for the last many years, I have been walking in faith through this cancer journey but still not fully trusting God with my security. 

Yes, we need to have a place to live on April 30th and right now we still don't. But is it our residence that provides me with a sense of security? Or am I fully trusting Him with security?

So today I commit to walk more closely with Him and trust that He is all I need for my security. That our house can be gutted or in state of repair or all fixed, but my house doesn't provide me with security. ONLY God can do this! So no more tears, only trust!

Four Year Mark

A month ago we hit the 4 year mark on this journey. I think I've finally accepted that this journey is never really going to end. 

My last post, Cancer Fatigue, was after many experiences that deeply hurt. Rebekah, Alan, Audrey and I have all been wounded over this past year by people who don't really get that we are still on this journey or that we still have these lingering fears. 

This Wednesday in the middle of the biggest week of my professional life, Alan got his latest scan results. Unlike normal where we stay home and spend time together and take the video call from there, he came to my office so that I could keep going up until the last second. 

Not surprising, Marvin and Mooney are still present. BUT God! Both are continuing to shrink after 7 months off treatment!! Such a praise!

To quote Alan, nothing but smoking craters. Lord, that's still our prayers. That nothing will remain of Marvin and Mooney just like HE has done with K!

March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month with Lynch Syndrome Awareness Day on March 22nd. March also ushers in preventative screenings! Please pray for great results on these tests. 

Thank you all for walking with us and realizing that this will be a life long journey for us that has and is continuing to shape us and grow us!