All That I Need

 “The Lord is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.”

 

-Psalms 23:1 NLT

 

I already have “all that I need”? Like in the palm of my hand?There are moments when I feel like I can’t keep much of anything from slipping like sand between my fingers. All that I need? No way.

 

Way.

 

Jesus Christ picked his moments – then dropped the truth. He visited Jerusalem for a huge festival, expecting a packed house. God’s word commanded all Jewish men to bring a sacrifice to the festival. Most everybody came.

 

There, Christ pounced:

 

On the last day, the climax of the festival, Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’”

 

-John 7:37-38 NLT

 

You see, Christ had a thing about drinking his water. It, alone, could satisfy completely. 

 

Not long before the festival, Christ had told the ostracized woman at the well about the water he offered. He said:

 

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”

 

-John 4:14 NLT (emphasis added)

 

No more thirst. No more need. Satisfied. Overflowing.

 

Christ quenches our deepest needs – to repair the brokenness of our relationship with a good and holy God, to rescue our immortal souls from eternal punishment in Hell, to assure us of an eternity in Heaven.

 

Nobody can measure up to Christ. He is God’s only son, but was born and lived in flesh. All God, all man, all at once. Yes he endured hardships and was tempted just like us, but he never disobeyed God and sinned. For his “crimes,” people crucified him. He died. But death had no claim over Christ’s perfect sinless soul. Three days later, Christ rose from the grave and gave death the royal beat down once-and-for-all.

 

Speaking through the apostle Paul, God laid it out in Romans:

 

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.

 

-Romans 3:23-24 NLT

 

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

-Romans 6:23

 

If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved.

 

-Romans 10:9-10 NLT

 

It’s simple; drink Christ’s water. Admit you’ve sinned and can’t do anything to escape your eternal punishment. Put allyour faith in Christ – that he took your punishment for you, for all time. Turn your heart toward God, resolve to follow Christ.

 

Paul always found Christ to be enough. Through constant travel. Shipwrecked. Rotting in prison. Stoned and left for dead.

 

And yet, Paul made no bones about it. Christ quenched his every need. Rotting in a Roman prison, Paul let us in on his secret to living in extreme adversity:

 

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

 

-Philippians 4:8-9

 

Christ satisfied Paul’s every need, in every situation. Good and bad. 

 

Like Paul, Christ has never let me down in a pinch. Cancer can wreck people. Sure, I struggle with what I’m walking through, but I also have a peace that I can’t explain. I bet you can’t either.

 

Trick is, we’ve got to drink His pure water. Positive thinking won’t do it. Medicine alone can’t do it. Nor can thrill-seeking. Or anything else I can scrape together. Onlyseeking Christ and His will for our lives can give lasting peace.

 

Christ will do the same for you.

 

Will you let him? Run to him – nowhere else.

 

Fully Satisfied,

Alan

I know you are. So am I.

 

Facing a mountain? Everybody is.

 

I’m a cancer patient, just starting my third fight in five years. My situation is so unique that MD Anderson has no proven protocol . Sure we have hope, but nothing hard – as if science and odds were ever hard.

 

You, too, have a mountain. Maybe you’re mad about it. I get it, it’s not fair. Maybe you’re not talking about it. Not looking at it. Not even admitting it’s there, but it is. 

 

That’s the human condition.

 

Run to Psalms 23. On it, hang so many of God’s promises!

 

King David, inspired by the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, wrote:

 

The Lord is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;

He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid for you a close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil,

My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

All the days of my life,

And I will live in the house of the Lord forver.

 

-Psalms 23

 

Psalms 23 Video

 

Let’s digest that bite-by-bite, verse-by-verse. Ride with me.

 

Forward,

Alan

When words fail

 "When words fail" keeps coming to my mind over and over again. All day yesterday, which was hard on its own and then all day today. When words fail, the tears speak. When words fail, laughter heals. When words fail, my heart sings out to my Lord. When words fail, the silence can both comfort and suffocate. When words fail, God hears what I can't say. 

Today was a bittersweet day. MDA Date Days have become so rare, I had forgotten how much fun we have and how much he makes everyone around us laugh and smile.  MD Anderson is truly a place where angels work, but it is a place filled with somber faces that are praying for their miracle. Then Alan walks in. With his big ol' grin and his jokes, and before you know it the people around us are all smiling too. I love the time with my kind, joyous husband. 

Before I go on, please join me in praying for Judy. She has been a patient of MDA since 2015 and recently found a new mass on her pancreas. They are from the Louisiana border around the gulf and are staying in their RV nearby. I enjoyed getting to speak with Judy and her husband while Alan got some more lab work done. So many of us are waging our different battles against the same evil, we love to be able to lift up another family.

Alright so here is the news of the day! Three weeks from CT Results to today, and we have confirmation. Mooney is growing because the cancer is definitely back. Pathology of Mooney showed that his mucinous adenocarcinoma of the colon is back in this metastatic tumor that just refuses to go away. 

So to the plan. We've had all this time to sit and ponder what's going to happen. We assumed they'd put him back on his previous treatment. And they are. He will go back on nivolumab every two weeks starting this Friday! Dr. Dude ain't playin'! That was the easy part. 

The hard part were the questions that followed. We, being who we are professionally, starting asking about the data. How many people have had this occur? What stats do you have on how they do going back on treatment? Are the side effects increased when doing it again? How long will he do treatment? Etc, etc, etc. 

And the answers were all pretty much, "we don't know." There is no data on this. Alan continues to be a super rare unicorn! The doctor said he should have more data for us at his next CT in 3 months. He's trying to coordinate info with a researcher in Dallas doing a study on this. He "thinks" they have about 70 people in the state in the study and of that 15-20% have had a recurrence after the ipilumamab/nivolumab treatment. So, Alan is probably 1 of 10-15 people. We are in winging it territory, people! The unicorn is becoming a Guinea pig once again! The doctor is optimistic Alan will do well on treatment, since he did before!

Dr. Dude, the PA, Alan and I all agreed that he has now proven that his CEA Blood marker means nothing and  his PET Scans mean nothing. Therefore in attempt to find another way of knowing something is going astray, besides just through his CT Scans, they had him do a special set of blood work to look for any other tumor markers. We are interested in what that comes back with.

The super rare unicorn will once again have Mighty Mouse running through his veins starting this Friday. While we wait on God to reveal His healing, we treat the dickens outta it and we hold strong to each other and our faith. We will cling to The Lord knowing His wonderful healing will come!

- Melanie

“Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40:4-5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

A Tale of Three Hats

So today I was thinking about my Battle Hats. How it even came to be. 

Being real - I'm not good right now. And haven't been since 8:40 am on 2/16. So I have kept on trucking and ignoring my emotions! So far it's working... I focus on other things and that keeps me from having to deal. 

So anyway, back to my hats. 

Tale of Battle Hat 1

It started out as a campaign hat for my 2014 School Board Race. When I was rushing to get Alan to the hospital on the day this all started, I threw it on as we left. After he was admitted, I wore it pretty much every day. It transitioned into Battle Hat 1 as it was my prettiest hat at the time. It became a thing. I pretty much refused to go to any appointments without it and the couple of times I did bad news got delivered. 

Take of Battle Hat 2

When Alan was rediagnosed, I had forgotten my hat that fateful Day Date at MDA. As we came home, shocked that it was back so soon and in two spots, we didn't know what to think or do. I called my dear friend Bobbie and told her. The response was pretty immediate that I needed a new hat for the new battle. 

It had significance because Bobbie made it but also the clear outward sign of our faith. We needed His presence and comfort as we walked through the Battle. 

Fast Forward to 2/16 this year, I wore this hat at OVER 90% of his appointments. I was not wearing it that day. 

Take Of Battle Hat 3

As I headed home from getting the results with Alan to pick up Rebekah for her flu test, I said to myself, well I guess it's time for a new hat. I stopped by Bobbie's house to tell her and said, I need you to make me another hat. She knew what that meant and we continued to talk about the results and next steps. 

Fast forward through our constant state of hurry up and wait. Tuesday Bobbie took me to MDA to meet Alan so we would only have 1 vehicle there. She had the hat in hand. I canNOT even begin to thank Bobbie enough. 

This picture is bigger than the others on purpose. My friend made this hat very significant to us, to our family, to our faith and to our journey. And sitting here tonight, I appreciate it more than she will ever know. 

First, the flowers are maroon, oh his Aggie heart loves that! Second, Psalms 130, which I am working on memorizing, is written on the backs of the flowers. Third, the button in the middle is a LION! Representing our Lion in Christ but also Joshua 1:9 and the courage we have in our faith! Fourth, the bead flower alone has multiple significant parts! The colors of the beads, maroon for Alan, "auburn" for me, blonde for Rebekah, blue for Audrey. The flower "pedals" have four, representing each of us and then 1 more with a cross, representing our family's foundation - Christ!

This is the tale of 3 Battle Hats. While we wait on biopsy results, we focus on Him and Him alone!

Praise and Prayer Requests

PRAISE! On Monday our worst fears were put at ease when the PET Scan results didn't show any additional spread. Waiting through the weekend was torture on our emotions and the mind games Satan tried to play. 

Since Monday we've been "not so" patiently waiting for the next thing to be scheduled. This evening we got the scheduling notice for his biopsy of Mooney for Tuesday, Election Day! It's so nice to have it on the calendar. 

Now for our specific prayer requests.

• Pray for clear biopsy results - mucinous tumors can be challenging to get good and accurate samples with needle biopsies. We ask that the samples will be very clear and accurate!
• Pray for the biopsy itself to go well. This tumor is challenging to get to and a biopsy in the past had some pretty negative consequences! We are a little nervous about biopsies!
• Pray for a clear treatment plan and path towards complete healing. Grant his doctor wisdom. And grant us peace with the plan. 
• Pray for our family as we all process in our own way. Specifically for unity and grace with each other. 

Tears flow like rain

So far I've only peopled to vote... it's been all I can manage. I have worked some, but mainly I've just been with our little four family. I've talked to family now and a few close friends - again all I can manage. I grow weary of the conversations - of not having answers or a plan, of them trying to make me feel better, or feeling like I am having to console them. Texts are better because I can pop off a quick thanks without having to engage really. 

Don't get me wrong. We appreciate everyone's love and kindness. Thursday night the girls were really struggling with people and the comments or the lack of comments. We had the challenging conversation about people not knowing how to handle us. They love us, they want to help, comfort, be there, but truthfully most have no clue how to do that. And so they say the "wrong things" or they say nothing at all because of fear of saying the "wrong thing" - it was a great conversation about us giving grace to each other and to those that love us. So pray for them as the girls are massively peopling at DNow this weekend. Pray for grace from the people they encounter, pray for them to have grace for the people they encounter, and pray for their hearts to find incredible comfort from their Heavenly Father this weekend.

I, on the other hand, am avoiding still peopling. Tomorrow, we will attend church and then we will see what Monday brings - what news of results we get and scheduling of tests. Alan is Alan. He's struggling in his way that most don't see, but he is his normal "Mr. Happy Face" self. He hasn't avoided much, because being the patient, he wants everything to be as normal as possible. I get that. 

With the past Battles, the tears flowed like rain whenever I was alone. But this time it's different. I cried when we first were told the news, like rain pouring down my face tears were streaming uncontrollably. But since then I have barely cried. I think I'm in total management mode. I am trying to make sure everyone else's needs are getting met. Trying to take care of what needs to be taken care of and refusing to allow myself to feel. I know the weight of it all will eventually come crashing down on me. But right now I refuse to allow it. I am intentionally holding it at bay, like if I don't feel, it won't be real. 

I'm not ready for another Battle. Yet here we are. So I rise to met the challenge and to take care of my people. 

I'm not ready to feel the fear, the crippling fear that is knocking at my door again. So I refuse to answer the door and just stay numb for a little longer. 

We were good, damn it! He was good, damn it! The girls were processing, feeling and growing past the fear, damn it! Life had resumed normal, damn it! 

Once we have all the testing done, once we have a plan, maybe then I will allow myself to feel the weight of it again. But right now I will not let the tears flow like rain. I'm not ready. I will fight whatever Battles we have to fight God, knowing You go before us. But I'm not ready to fully feel the weight of this again. 

- Melanie

The other shoe...

When cancer enters into your life, your focus, vision, goals, perspective, EVERYTHING changes. 5 years and 18 days ago (January 30, 2017) was that moment. At 38, 36, 11 and 8, our world was turned upside down. 

Then we were good until April 4, 2018 - Rebekah's 13th Birthday. Cancer Round 2 began. Those of you that have followed us and our story, you know what we have walked through, if not, please feel free to read previous posts. I don't want to bore everyone with the recap here. 

On October 6, 2021, I retired Round 2's hat - as Mooney had been stable for so long now and Marvin and K were imperceptible. 

Well today the other shoe dropped! After 4 months and 10 days of joy at Battle 2 being done, the scan showed significant growth. The tumor's area has more that doubled. 

We are blindsided by this news. We have been making plans further out than Scan-to-Scan which had been our life for so long now. We have been so full of life and hope that going into this scan NONE of us even considered that Mooney would be anything other than stable. But alas it is not as we expected. 

How often is life actually as we expect? So we walk into the next Battle armed with love, life, hope and faith. Battle 3 began this morning with shock, tears, cursing, and renewed fear in each of us that we don't wish on ANYONE else. But then Battle 3 met Our Faith, as Alan and I clung to each other and prayed through the tears and the fears. 

As I told each of our daughters this afternoon, more tears fell but also renewed conviction that God is guiding us. Later as the four of us discussed, we all strongly came together and discussed how God has each of us in a better place to support each other through this than in the previous two battles.

I'll update more in the coming days but for now we desire your prayers for healing, wisdom with decisions, unity and patience with each other, and most importantly His Glory to show through us. 

- Melanie

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭10:3-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬