I HATE Cancer

I'm currently sitting in our bed alone crying. No not just crying. Bawling. 

Please know that I don't regret the choice I made last night to go to the band thing or the choice I made tonight to not go to the Homecoming Parade, Pep Rally and Senior Band Parent Skit. I refuse to regret. But I do still mourn the choices I must make. 

Cancer has taken so much from my family for so long now. And I hate it. My girls have missed out on the normalcy of life for 6 years. I hate how they have each lost friends because they cope with things differently than others and that isn't always compatible. I hate that some school assignments are triggers for them. I HATE that they worry about their dad dying. 

I hate cancer so much that as I get pictures sent to me of my girls having fun at their ONLY Homecoming together, as I watch the video of the senior parent skit we should have been in, I can't stop the tears from falling. I hate it so much. Like major curse words hate it. Like punched in the gut hate. I'm tired of having things taken from my family because of this horrible, awful disease. 

I hate watching my husband struggle to stay awake. I hate watching him plod slowly around the TPACU when he was running 5 miles just a week ago. I hate seeing the effects this surgery is currently having on his body, his spirits, and his energy. I $/):&;&/(:);&:):&:):(/&- HATE cancer. 

So while I hate something with a passion so deep in my core that could make me bitter in no time flat, I have learned I have to find the positives. It's why I keep doing daily positivity posts. To keep my focus on God's goodness to keep from growing bitter about all the things cancer has taken from us. So to the bitter, small people in the political world that have mocked me for my positive posts, Kiss Off! Because I will continue to find positive no matter what because I refuse to become bitter!

Tonight my positive is my husband is HERE enduring the HELL that is the recovery from this surgery BUT he is here. And every day I have with him is joyous! Because there is no better man here on earth. This man is a warrior unlike any other! He walked 5 times today with a total of 7 laps! He walked 1050 ft, less than 48 hours postop! He is killing it. Because he is determined to not let cancer OR the treatments of cancer kill him! That is a warrior! 

To my incredible friends in their own cancer battles or with a spouse, child, parent, or friend that have battled or are battling, YOU are all warriors! Fighting is what makes us warriors, not victory or defeat! Fighting. Sometimes for that next step, that next treatment, that next battle, or that next breath after our warriors are gone. We keep fighting, determined to find the positive, determined to find God's goodness in the midst of our living hell. 

To all of you warriors, I see you, I pray for you! Battle On!

-Mel