Take Everything...

If more of You means less of me, take everything...

Those words won't come. Still. 

Today was a tough day in church. Both worship and the message. 

Every other song, I could sing and sing fully. And that song I can sing most of! But those two words, Take Everything, won't come out of my mouth. I don't mean them. I stood with tears streaming, unable to sing them. You see, I don't want God to take everything. I am still scared that He is going to take Alan, and I'm not willing to let go. 

I want to fully be walking with Him, but not without Alan. 

Then Calvin had to hit me hard! Today's message was about planning in pencil, knowing that God writes in ink. Well at the point the sermon started, I was already wondering why we didn't stay home this morning. I mean, seriously, it was raining, dreary, cold to this Texas girl and only one service; it would have been so easy to skip! BUT noooo, God wanted me there. He knew I needed to hear Calvin's message. 

We don't plan like others at our life stage. We aren't planning our next five years of our careers or kids' college plans (although that is coming). Right now everything is planned in short three month spurts. We live from scan to scan. And any potential plans beyond the three month horizon are tentative until scans prove them viable. Our plans are very much in pencil, waiting to see the ink God lays down!

BUT my long term right now is purely one fold: grow old with Alan. So when Calvin started to talk about being flexible with our plans, I started to bow up. You see I am not viewing that as a flexible plan. I know God is in control. But I want MY plan on this, and I don't want HIS plan if it doesn't match mine. So the tears started again. You see I know that God hears my prayers for healing for Alan, but that doesn't mean He will answer them in a way that matches my plan. 

So while I want more of Jesus and less of me, I can't voice the words Take Everything because at this point I refuse to GIVE everything. I refuse to give over my plan that Alan lives another 40-50 years. 

This song and this sermon were way more real sitting where we sit than where most others sit. HIS plans are always going glorify Him. And ultimately that is what I want, to glorify Him in my life. 

So even when I don't want to, Lord, THY WILL be DONE. 

- Mel

Psuedo Growth???

Well after today's appointment, we know 1 thing for sure. God is at work!

Results

Two of his tumors have shrunk some! The third tumor remained stable! And NO new tumors! In the world of cancer and immunotherapy treatment, stability is awesome and shrinkage is even MORE awesome! Medically speaking these results are like the best possible! Alan, the girls, and I are overjoyed at the news. 

Plan Forward

Alan will continue on the single agent immunotherapy, nivolumab every 2 weeks for the next 3 months. After the 6 treatments, he will have another scan to assess the growth, stabilization, or shrinkage! Additionally, Dr. Dude (Morris) will coordinate with an oncologist at MDA The Woodlands for his toxicity checks before treatment, and we will only go to MDA Med Center for scans and results for these next 3 months. 

As all cancer patients and families know, while in treatment, you can plan for the future, but everything is contingent on the next scans. So we are planning for the future and hopeful in the 3 months the scans are as good or even better. 

Recap

Two months ago, the entire colorectal oncology team was unsure if the growth on the last scans was real or pseudo growth. Now they have concluded that it was pseudo. There is no way to confirm that. What we know is that all three tumors showed significant growth after 3 months on the dual agent immunotherapy, ipilimumab and nivolumab and now we show shrinkage and stabilization. Is that because the T-cells invading the tumors made them look bigger than they really were? Is it because they did grow but the treatment just needed longer to work? We don't know. What we know is we serve a mighty God who is in control and for now the treatment appears to be working! 

At the end of the day whether treatment works or not, this time or next time, always and forever or only for a little while, God is good all the time. You see we have faith that He is using our circumstances to draw people to Him, whether that is drawing us closer to Him, our girls gaining a deeper appreciation of trusting God in all situations, our families drawing closer together and closer to God. 

Recently a dear friend of mine's grandson passed away from cancer at the age of 10. Cameron impacted my life as many of my friends had children that went to school with him or played baseball with him, not to mention knowing his grandmother like I do. This young boy impacted more lives than I can count. Their family's faith is strong. 

Yesterday as I prepared to attend Cameron's memorial, I couldn't do it. Satan was attacking hard and my fear of the unknown and of what we would hear today was overwhelming. I've learned to listen to myself more. And to give myself grace where I wouldn't have before in this situation. Cancer is a vile and horrible disease, and I pray for a cure for all cancers some day. But for now, the legacy of Cameron and others that have lost their battle must be how Great Our God still is. Even when we don't understand things, even when the emotions are overwhelming, even when the fear is too great, God is always bigger. He comforts and wraps us up in True Love like only a Heavenly Father can. Doesn't mean things are easy, but it does mean that when we lean into Him, He will carry us through it. 

Prayer Requests

• The Gooch Family and Friends as they grieve the loss of Cameron
• Treatments will continue to work
• Side effects will continue to be mild
• Alan will continue to feel good
• Girls will continue to deal well with all of this
• Transition to Montgomery County Treasurer 

Reflections

Reflection... the last two weeks have been a time of reflection. Combining two of the definitions of reflection in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary gives the true definition of what it’s been like: consideration of some purpose or idea that has sparked thoughts, ideas, opinions as a result.

Some of my reflecting has been based on the last four years (my time on CISD’s School Board); some has been based on since Jan 30, 2017 (Cancer); the final reflection period has been over my entire professional life!

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Starting with the most recent time frame, Alan is the same as my last post. His side effects from immunotherapy continue to be managed well with medication. The medication side effects that were cropping up are now under complete control! What a blessing! He was so good during the election. He was rarely at any early voting sites and allowed volunteers and I to handle it without him. It was definitely hard on him to stay away. Alan doesn’t like to not help anyone and everyone, but especially me! We had many volunteers from church and the community that came alongside us to help!

Today is Alan’s fourth treatment of nivolumab only. He and I will go down to the med center the week after Thanksgiving for scans and results. We are praying for stablity or decrease in tumor size. That would mean the growth of the tumors on the scans at the end of September was “pseudo progression.”

I don’t think either of imagined our lives would be where they are today 16 years ago when we were newlyweds. There is a reason marriage vows say in sickness or in health. At 22 and 24, we were impervious. Nothing would harm us. We now have discussed end of life decisions, have things clearly spelled out in wills, powers of Attorney’s, etc. This is not how anyone predicts life will go. He looks and feels so good, even we have moments of cancer not being at the forefront of our thoughts. But then we look at the adjustments we have made in our life and the mark of cancer is evident. It has shaped our lives, how we relate to each other, how we make decisions, and prioritized things in different ways.

We pray for Alan to be healed and this to be removed from us, but the impact it has left in its wake will be positive! Alan and I work hard to see and find the good in every situation, even metastatic recurrent colon cancer! As Pastor Larry has told us, we don’t know what tomorrow holds, but we know who holds tomorrow!

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Yesterday I presided over the swearing in of the new and re-elected members of CISD’s Board. It was my final act on the Board. 4 years ago I was sworn in with many preconceived notions and a plan. As I learned, what I thought about public education and what is real about CISD are not one in the same. There are always areas for improvement and I do believe that I positively impacted many areas. One of the most pressing issues of our society is manifested in our school children. We have a mental health crisis! And if you don’t believe that, you are like an ostrich with your head in the sand. This is not an issue limited to Conroe ISD. As a nation, our suicide rate in youth, our school shootings, our teachers behaving badly, and bullying are all due to mental health issues. When we have a breakdown in our families and we as a society do not have REAL hope, these issues go undiagnosed and untreated. Then the melting pot of public education becomes the place we’re they are all seen. Kids with anger issues, kids with self esteem issues, kids being harmed. Without treatment and faith, these kids grow up into adults with anger issues, self esteem issues and harming others. Bottom line: Hurting people hurt people! Find a way to help our hurting kids! Contact your local school, mentor these kids, read to their classes, volunteer, and if you see something that seems off, say something. Early intervention is critical to helping our most troubling cases.

I will always be proud of getting Harvey reappraisals approved, but my legacy on this board I hope is more about the mental health awareness of our students and staff, as well as communicating with the public about the business of the district and the education of our children. I pray this doesn't stop now that I am no longer on the board.

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This past week has been a time of major change! An election win, an office move, last School Board functions, Retreat Week with my entire BBK team! For the last 8 plus years, I have been President and Owner of Better Bookkeepers. I have enjoyed growing my company from the ground up! It has been a joy and a delight to work with amazing clients, staff and vendors. The time of me running my business is drawing to a close. I have an absolutely incredible team! I could not be more blessed to know that BBK will be in good hands. With the office move, I removed myself from the "President's Office" and am sitting in the bullpen among my bookkeepers and senior bookkeepers. It is oddly remincient of our first office space where we were subleasing cubes 6 years ago!

I love my business and love what we do with helping businesses. But it is time for something new, a passion God put on my heart! So over the next month and half, I will continue my phase out of BBK and my transition into Montgomery County Treasurer! Everything from my first job in high school at Family Christian Stores in Mesquite, Texas to running Better Bookkeepers has been worked together by God to lead me to this new journey! I am excited to walk where He leads in this position!

Life does not stop, even for cancer. The girls keep us grounded in reality while everything around us progresses. Christ leads our lives, our pursuits, and our hearts!

Prayer Needs

Hello framily (friends that have become family and family),

As we head into the next 22 days, we are back into the craziest part of an election - the HOME STRETCH! We never imagined that while we were working hard for a victory on November 6th, we would be on this cancer journey. BUT God! He knew! So this craziness is no surprise to him.

So as so many of you are praying for us. We have some specific needs.

1. As we head towards the election, for volunteers to help with A) putting signs up for early voting and election day and B) "parking lot ministry" during early voting.

2. That Alan will let others help us and not work early voting at the polls, so he doesn't get more fatigued than he already will be with treatment and moving his office.

3. Alan's side effects have been better with the medication, but the medication is now causing its own side effects. Prayers for the drugs to keep working, but their side effects to vanish.

4. He left today to be in Ft. Worth until Wednesday this week for a speaking engagement he committed to before we were aware of the recurrence of his cancer. Prayers for strength, clarity, and safety.

Thank you all. We appreciate our prayer warriors so much.

-Mel

Staying the Course

So naturally Alan doesn't do anything the "normal" way! I mean, come on, as a blond Aggie lawyer, he is not normal!

So the entire colorectal team decided that they want to have Alan stay the course for now. So he will go down to nivolumab only as planned! BUT they want to keep a close eye on him just in case the growth is not pseudo growth but real. So instead of the standard 3 month scan, he will have one after 2 months. 

So his first treatment is this week, then every other week for a total of 4 treatments of nivolumab only. Then they will scan him again and see if the growth has become stable or decreased.

Side effects may still increase as the half life on the drugs is quite long and are not expected to decrease. 

Prayer Requests:

• Positive attitudes to continue in and around us
• Side effects to continue to be minimal
• Nivo only to kick Marvin K Mooney out of Alan's body
• Continued patience as we now wait for definitive results in 2 months
• For a sweet time this weekend in College Station

Thank you all for your continued faithfulness in praying over these needs. Thank you all for loving on us. 

Scan Results

Good news - NO new tumors!

Bad news - All three tumors grew. The growth is considered a grey area as to whether or not the treatment is working. It's more growth than they would have liked. 

Plan - Dr. Dude is presenting Alan's case to the colorectal team for their opinion on what to do: stay the course or move to a different treatment. We will go back next Wednesday to see what the committee said and form next steps in the plan of attack. No treatment tomorrow as previously scheduled while we figure this out. 

Thank you for your prayers. We continue to appreciate them. 

Lots of Conversations

As we head into a scan week, the girls and I have had a few heavy conversations. Tonight, as we were heading home from an incredible, nail-biting, down to the last minute TWHS vs. TWCP football game, Rebekah and I had our third deep conversation in a week.

Talking about school and how well both her and Audrey's years are going so far, I made a statement regarding how unexpected but wonderful this was in light of our current situation with Alan. In our discussion, Rebekah had amazing insight for a 13 year old, that I INSISTED she write down so she has it forever.

When she said that God's got this, I stopped her for the first time in a while and asked what exactly that means to her. 

"He is the ultimate plan maker and is working for you and no matter what the situation is. He is working for the long run. Faith is not blind. It is not jumping off a cliff and hoping for the best. It is knowing that the rope and harness will hold far beyond your weight and hold you no matter how fearful you get." - Rebekah 

I told her she was wise beyond her years in knowing that her faith isn't in an outcome, but in HIM and HIM alone. 

What an amazing testimony, my child! Cling to Him Always!

Treatment 4

We are done with the ipilimumab/nivolumab combination treatment! Alan had his final dose of both medications on Friday.

The appointment was relatively uneventful, as was treatment itself. 

So now the hard part... Waiting. I've said it before. I am not patient. In roughly two weeks he will have a new set of scans and we will find out if treatment is working. Then we will either proceed with nivolumab only every other week or find another option. 

Everything in our world is on hold until we get those results. We have plans but they are all tentative. We are continuing to focus on living each day to the fullest... with band practices, theater rehearsals, dance classes, church activities, campaign functions and as much quality family time as we can cram in!

Please continue praying for healing and peace as we wait. 

Thy Will

I tried to write this post yesterday and couldn't quite put the words on it that my heart desired to make clear. Today, I am praying I am conveying God's truth in the raw reality of my pain.

Last year Thy Will by Hillary Scott was one of "my songs." Yet yesterday, I could not sing the words.

I don't necessarily want His Will. I only want it if it is what I want. That's the truth. If His will is not Alan's complete and total healing here on earth, I don't want it. I want my 20th, 25th, 30th, 40th, etc anniversaries with Alan by my side.

What's awesome is that Jesus understands my heart that even though I don't want His perfect will if it doesn't align with my desire.

“Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭26:39‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Jesus gets it! He's felt the exact same! He asked for the cup to be taken. In the same way I am pleading for Alan's full healing here. But just as He said, "Yet not as I will, but as You will."

Yes, yes Lord. I ask for what I desire, but at the end of the day, week, month, year or life, NOT as I will, but as YOU will!

Lord, I know Your will is perfect. So I wait. I wait for You to reveal Your will. We are in this most difficult state of waiting. Waiting for healing, waiting for scans, trusting His will is perfect, trusting in His timing.

Waiting in trust and in faith...

Mel

No Way Out?

Ever felt like you’ve got no way out? Your problem is 100% clear, you just see nothing for it. Your problem looks bigger than your hope.

Cancer can do that to you. Been there, done that. But God fights for His children - I promise.

Back in the Old Testament, one hombre was there too. Dude was the prophet Elisha’s sidekick. He woke up one morning and his eyes popped. He saw a massive enemy army at the wall. They were surrounded. Outnumbered. Hopeless.

Sidekick did what most would do: He freaked out.

But it didn’t bother Elisha. He knew what’s what. He could see what his sidekick couldn’t - that God’s angel armies had already showed up in force.

“O Lord, open his eyes and let him see,” Elisha prayed.

The sidekick then saw what God was really doing. The hills were teaming with “horses and chariots of fire.” God was in the fight. Big time.

The Enemy was the one in trouble. Like the sidekick, we just sometimes lack the clarity to see it. It might be for just a moment, but the Enemy works hard to find that one moment.

Thank God for the men and women who’ve held our family up in prayer during this trial. They are our Elisha(s).

God will prevail anytime, anyplace. Expect it.

2 Kings 6:8-23

- Alan

"You're so positive."

That’s what folks say. All the time, folks say I’m so positive despite my cancer. But it’s way more than thinking happy thoughts. It’s faith injected into my new heart by the God of the Universe. 

Everybody knows faith is huge. Mustard seed-sized faith can hurl mountains into the ocean.

But faith ain’t natural. From the day Adam and Eve first thought they were smarter than God’s one rule, mankind’s faith was shot. 

God speaks. We just don’t listen. 

“Show us how to increase our faith,” Christ’s disciples asked. Like us, the twelve jokers hadn’t got a clue. 

We try it all to build our faith. We go to church on Sunday. We worship. We decide that’s not enough and go on Wednesday nights too. Not enough yet. We read our Bibles. We pray. Yet we still can’t shake the feeling we’re missing something. Yes we’re barking up the right tree, but there’s more. 

When Christ answered his disciples’ question on how to build their faith, he cut straight to it. It’s all obedience and humility:

“When a servant comes in from plowing or taking care of sheep, does his master say, ‘Come in and eat with me’? No, he says, ‘Prepare my meal, put on your apron, and serve me while I eat. Then you can eat later.’ And does the master thank the servant for doing what he was told to do? Of course not. In the same way, when you obey me you should say, ‘We are unworthy servants who have simply done our duty.’”

-‭‭Luke‬ ‭17:7-10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Christ “showed” us how to build our faith. Like the servant, we obey our Master even when we’re tired, hungry and would rather serve ourselves. Then we humbly point back to God. 

Who likes that answer? I don’t. But that’s exactly how God has worked with me. 

Doing what God says forces me to trust Him. Then the waiting starts. Over the long haul, God shows me that His way works better than mine. That builds trust - and faith. 

God often has to drag me kicking and screaming. I don’t want to do things his way, so I don’t. When I finally get it right, I toss a hissy fit because it didn’t get me instant gratification. In the end, though, God shows me what he did and builds my faith. 

Make no mistake, I’m praying to go cancer free, but I’m not banking on it tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next. Or ever. My faith isn’t in healing, but in the perfection of God’s plan no matter what.

- Alan

Treatment 3

Happy Treatment Day Anniversary to us! Yesterday was our 16th wedding anniversary and Alan's 3rd treatment.

We started the morning with a visit with Jocelyn, Dr. Dude's new Physician's Assistant. We really love his medical team. Nurse Cathy instantly starts joking with us about whatever Alan is saying or doing at the moment, usually being his normal goofball self. Some of the employees of MDA don't  know what to make of Alan's attitude and how much laughter we bring with us. Jocelyn quickly adapted to us. We discussed the side effects we are seeing in great detail. They are very minor so that's awesome. 

We laid out the dates of future treatments and scans more clearly. This was good because we were confused on when exactly he would start the nivoonly treatments. The week of Sept 24 Alan will have a CT Scan, an appt for results and if all is good, his first nivo only treatment. His last treatment of both meds is set for Sept 7th. 

The other important thing about this appointment was the results of the genetic molecular testing on his original tumor. As usual, Alan is a... 

His tumor is HIGHLY MUTATED! Soooo my unicorn is a mutant unicorn. His tumor had 22 genetic markers that were mutated and 3 of those had two mutations. 

So what does that really mean? We don't fully know! Jocelyn said that there is some evidence that highly mutated tumors respond better to immunotherapy! So that was nice to hear. Additionally, this may open doors to potential second or third tier treatments. Right now this treatment regimen is the only known option today to heal him. So having backup options would be nice if this treatment were to fail or stop working at some point in the future. 

These results were our hope. That they would open doors. Hopefully we will know more about what those doors might be at his next treatment. 

Before treatment began, Alan struck up a conversation with Gloria. This turned out to be a very hard conversation for me. Gloria sat near us taking a break during her long walk from her car to her husband's room. Robert has been admitted for bladder cancer that is quite agressive and spread  extrensively. Please pray for Gloria and Robert. 

While we were talking, she mentioned that her first husband passed of colon cancer. At this point, I disengaged. I hated to but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to connect with this woman. She had no clue what cancer Alan had. But I couldn't connect with her because I can't handle the thoughts that immediately started flooding my head. 

After a few minutes I reengaged in the conversation, listening but not participating. Before it was over, Alan prayed for them and Gloria hugged us. 

After she left, we just sat there and I cried. Alan asked if I wanted to talk. I declined. He asked again last night. I still haven't. On our anniversary, I can't bring myself to talk about Gloria and what that conversation did to me. 

BUT regardless of our circumstances, Alan is always looking for who God is placing in our path that he can be used to minister to and show God's love. I love the example my husband sets for me. He exemplifies Christ daily. I am grateful for that witness and long to be more like Christ because of Alan's witness. 

Please join us in praying for Gloria and Robert. 

Worship Is Your Battle Cry

All life - seen right - is spiritual warfare. Paul made no bones about it when he wrote to the Christ-followers in Ephesus. No fight is against the “enemy” you see. Those are circumstances. 

The person you’re at odds with isn’t your real enemy. Nor is cancer. 

No, our real enemy is more sinister. It’s the “evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world,” the “mighty powers in this dark world” and “evil spirits in the heavenly places.” 

You can find peace with these enemies. Think, look, act like the world. Oh yes, these enemies will cheer you on. They may even “bless” you. 

But that’s destructive pacifism. Give no quarter, take no prisoners. Your real enemy lurks to “kill and steal and destroy.” 

If you’re constantly at war, worship is your battle cry. Take any worship song (or psalm) you want. Don’t sing it - shout it. Shout it to strike fear in Satan’s black heart. Shout it to the dark horizon where, when the the morning sun breaks, God will rain down Hell on The Enemy. 

Try it with “This Is Amazing Grace.” Shout these words back to your savior:

“Who breaks the power of sin and darkness?

Whose love is mighty and so much stronger?

The King of Glory, the King above all kings. 

Who shakes the whole earth with holy thunder

And leaves us breathless in awe and wonder?

The King of Glory, the King above all kings.”

Find the whole song here: https://youtu.be/zPQKj2Zptr0. 

You’ll never see worship the same again.

- Alan

Worship is different

Worship is different. Face death long before you’re done with life, and worship changes. 

Some worship songs seem so basic they’re silly. We’re tempted mentally check out and sing along - no thought to the truth we’re declaring. 

King of My Heart is like that. Almost 1/3 of the song repeats “God is good, good,” over-and-over again. 

No kidding, we know! But do we?

Square off with death when you ain’t done, then those simple words get real hard to sing. I’m not talking some existential struggle, but flat out can’t sing. When you open your mouth, nothing comes out. 

My voice couldn’t say what I knew in my core - that God is good. It took weeks of wrestling with God before I could finally sing it again. 

Here’s the thing. God spends all human history proving He’s good. We just don’t see it or remember it. 

We’re culturally conditioned to steal God’s glory. Get out of a tight spot, and you may see God’s hand at first. Then you start to cast yourself as the hero. You write God straight out of the story. You think, “I fixed it, “I escaped it,” “I earned respect.” 

Bull corn. God fixed it. God broke me free. God dropped the mic. 

God reminded me of all the tight spots he’s pulled me out of. Lost a baby before birth? Check. Clueless girl dad? Check. Fired from a job? Check. Wife’s political campaign against well organized opposition with numerous wins already notched? Check. Another campaign like that? Check. Fear to share his gospel until I saw 4th graders boldly witnessing with older kids? Check. Cancer (the first time)? Check, check and check. 

Fact is, our lives have been packed and stacked to force us to trust the God of Heaven’s Armies. It’s been a hard road, but one that pushed us hard to trust God. If I’d never had to do that before, I might never have been able to sing something so simple as “God is good.”

- Alan

King of My Heart

My heart can't sing these words right now.

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

My version of Him letting me down is Alan passing. And I can't sing that my God isn't going to let me down. He may let down my ideal. He may allow this treatment to fail. He may allow cancer to take my husband's life.

What is funny to me is that I can sing the words to many other songs that you would think would be hard. Even If, by Mercy Me, I sing with passion as it is my heart's cry. Thy Will, by Hillary Scott, I sing as I want only His perfect and holy will for our lives. But this one song, nope. 

CS Lewis said, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." 

One of my fabulous pastors at church reminded me of this. You see I know that come what may God is in control and will do whatever is best for us! But the best isn't always what we want or what is the least painful for us. And while I don't doubt God, I struggle to grasp how the "what if" possibility could possibly be "best." That's where my finite mind can't reconcile with God's infinite knowledge and wisdom. Which is where FAITH must step in.

So I know those words above to be true. I know that God isn't going to EVER let me down. I know that EVEN IF Alan succumbs to cancer in the end, God will reign supreme and not let me down. I believe that He will carry the girls and I through that if it occurs. 

But right now, those words won't come. I can think them in my head, but my worship, my singing pours out from my heart; my mouth literally could not form the words. 

Often times in my life, I have had let downs. I have things that I truly felt like God was letting me down. And what I viewed as let downs by God we're truly set ups. Most of the time, it wasn't that He was setting me up for something better, although that was the case sometimes. He often was walking me through something to set me up to be better used for His Glory. Better used to point people to Him.

So right now, I wait on the words to come. I wait on my heart to be able to say what I know to be true. God will never let me down. And as I wait, I pray for our miracle. I pray, I live every moment to the fullest, and I pray. And I walk by faith, trusting that EVEN IF Our Lord will carry us through. For He is Lord of All. 

Treatment 2 Week After Report

There isn't much to report a week post treatment. So far no side effects. Everyone asks how he is or how it is going. Physically, Alan looks fine. He is more fatigued than pre-cancer. But no one really notices that.

We won't know how it is going until we get the next scan late in September. We have no idea if the tumors are still growing or HOPEFULLY shrinking. We have no idea if more tumors have popped up or HOPEFULLY NOT. We have to sit in trust. Do the treatments and go about daily life right now. 

With teenage and preteen daughters about to go back to school, going about daily life is fairly easy and very expected! In our daily routine, it is not uncommon for the word cancer to not come up. And then there are moments in which cancer is all consuming. 

So for now I ask for these specific prayer requests:

• That the drugs are working
• That Alan is healed
• That the girls will transition smoothly back into the school year
• For patience as we sit in trust until the scans
• For us to see clearly who The Lord puts in our path that we are to encourage every day 

Thank you!

FDA Approval!

So if you have followed our journey from April 4th to present at all, you know we had a very frustrating experience trying to get Alan on this treatment.

Insurance continually denied it, as it was not FDA approved for his type of cancer. Then there was the trial unit and issues created there that caused him to be removed from the trial due to their mistake. 

And then finally Bristol Myers Squibb was our guardian angel who approved patient assistance and gave us the drugs for free. 

Here is the most amusing revelation from yesterday's appointment. 

On July 10th, 4 DAYS after Alan's first treatment, the FDA granted their approval of the two drug combo for Alan's cancer. SERIOUSLY, 4 days! Can you believe it? After all we went through! 

Good news! No one in his shoes else has to go through all we did! They can get the drugs as "standard course of treatment" and insurance has to cover it! So happy no one else has to go through our frustration!

Treatment 2

So yesterday was Treatment 2. I had to wait to update until today, as I was not present. Alan's dad brought the girls home Thursday and wanted to take him yesterday. But they audio recorded the visit with the doctor for me.

This was so great for them. Alan said it was wonderful time to talk just them which doesn't happen that often. Usually the girls, Dee, myself and possibly Kyle and Phillip and their families are around too. 

There really are only three bits of information garnered from yesterday's all day event. 

1. His blood work was excellent. Forcing him to have more salt has finally increased his sodium levels. 
2. The third tumor that showed up on the 7/5 Scan is not a lymph node. This is a HUGE praise. We want to avoid node and bone involvement if possible!
3. The next scan will be 12 weeks from the first. So roughly the end of September. Until then we won't know if it is working. Until then we pray and try to create the best bodily environment for immunotherapy to work!

The infusion went well and we all met for dinner around 6 last night! Amy (Alan's sister), Mark and the boys all came up and met us for dinner and cupcakes. Their youngest turns 4 on Tuesday! So that was fun to put the cupcakes Audrey and I made yesterday to good use!

Next treatment is on August 17, our 16th anniversary! So we get a whole day date!!

4 Years of Positivity

Today is 4 years of Positivity Posts. I am in shock. I never dreamed that I would be on this journey, so here are a few positivity posts and why they are important to me.

This one is an absolute favorite of mine. When on a tour of Conroe High's 9th grade campus, they had a compliment board. As we were discussing it, a young lady came up grabbed one and handed this to me.

This one and the one below that go hand in hand, as a female leader... There is strength in empowering others and having that "others first" focus.

What are you? Are you We or I focused?

I love my husband and his desire to teach them this. He shows them how they should be treated. I already see the fruits of this in Rebekah, as boys start to be interested in her.

Don't let FEAR stop you. If you fall, get back up. But remember, you may not fall; you may fly!

So grateful that my strength comes from My Lord! Broken or not, He carries us through what we must handle.

Prayer is the key to everything. When you know not what to pray, PRAY. When you know what to pray, PRAY. When you have no words, PRAY. When your heart is broken, PRAY. When joy is overcoming you, PRAY.

Oh that Back to Future Was Real!

Today as I sat watching my sister-in-law, who is expecting, sit on the edge of the pool while her beautiful 2 year old daughter and husband played and as I listened to the eagerness and apprehension of my other sister-in-law, who is expecting her first, I was overcome by wishing I could turn back time.

Being the first married couple of Alan's family, I've seen his brothers grow up since High School. I love them and their wives, and now my niece and soon-to-be nieces or niece and nephew. They are all amazing people. And maybe they don't feel what I felt back then, but...

As a mom-to-be, I was scared to death and wanted everything absolutely perfect. As a mom-to-be with my second, having lost one in between, I was grateful, but still scared. Feeling like a failure as each phase was difficult in a new or different way. 

Now, Alan and I are done having kids. We are the "old married couple." Granted his sister and brother-in-law are roughly the same ages as us, but their oldest is starting Kinder while ours is starting 8TH!!! So even though Amy and Mark have been dating/married as long as we have been married, we are the old ones... lol

Point being, I sat there watching Jessica, Kyle and Brooklyn and was overwhelmed by a desire to turn back time. Rebekah, Alan and Audrey played Marco Polo just a few steps from them and my heart ached. 

I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I knew truly that the small stuff doesn't matter. That it's not worth getting bent out of shape over little stuff. I wish I knew how quick the time really does fly. I wish I nagged less. I wish I had forgiven easier. And I wish I knew oh so very much. 

You see part of living now is realizing how insignificant so much is. That everything doesn't have to be perfect. That the quality of time far outweighs everything else. That I don't deserve the Mommy or Wife guilt I gave myself! 

Ladies, please treasure every second, even when they are throwing themselves on the ground throwing a massive fit in the middle of the store! Take a video, a picture, laugh and treasure it. Know that that tantrum means you are doing right and this will not hurt them. 

Take the opportunity to go on dates with your husband every chance you can. Because every moment is precious. And don't take just about the kids! Enjoy, truly enjoy, your spouse every moment you possibly can. Even when they are being pills, they still love us. 

Let the grandparents be grandparents. Yes, they will spoil them, but that bond is more important than you could imagine. Those grandparents can heal parts of your kids' hurts that no one else can reach. 

Oh if only I hadn't wasted time... time is wasted no longer. Because at the end of the day, we are not promised tomorrow. So I better love like there is no tomorrow. Some day there won't be, and I will regret that if I don't. 

And as I posted before, I am living with NO REGRETS!!

Power of Prayer

The first question I will get with the title of this blogpost is, "Is he healed?" And while yes prayer is that powerful, no, not yet!

Prayer has been an incredibly powerful toward in this spiritual battle! I have asked for and covered your prayers. I have seen them answered. Although we are in a battle for Alan's life, the ultimate battle is not that. It is whether Satan or God will rule our hearts and our minds daily. I posted previously about the Armor of God. Prayer is the biggest part of the battle. It aligns our hearts with His mind. Christ goes before us into the waging war. 

My devotional this morning said this, "Paul tells us to pray on all occasions, with all kinds of prayers, because he knew and firmly believed that prayer is the channel that God uses to activate our spiritual armor as we go into battle. Prayer should always be our first response."

Ephesians 6:18 says - “Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.”

James 4:6-7 says - “And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

‭‭

Humble yourself - meaning PRAY. A proud person does pray, truly pray. I know when I am prideful I tend to go through the motions of prayer but not truly pray. Have you ever experienced that? Where you are saying the words, maybe even being focused on others but not having any passion or emotion at all behind it. 

This last 2 years my prayer life has changed majorly! My heart is practically begging and pleading with the Lord. And it's not just a morning prayer or a mealtime prayer or even my prayers before bed. It's a cry of my heart to my Savior. That type of prayer is powerful! And knowing others are praying for you with the same fervent heart, WOW!

At one point in this journey, I asked my prayer warriors for unity in a certain decision. I knew our mindset for this entire battle was hinging on how we were in this one situation. We had to go into it 100% united. It took 5 days! 5 long hard days! But since then we have not had a moment of disunity. Now that's not to say we haven't given each other our opposing thoughts or opinions. That's not to say we haven't disagreed. But we have not been OPPOSING each other. We have not be lacking in unity. 

I told my ladies that I understand how hard Cancer is on marriages. I see why so many couples going through our journey or that of having a child with cancer end up divorced. That's why praying for and seeking unity is so important. The power of prayer is incredible! 

As a wife of almost 16 years, I've read a lot about prayer over our marriage. The Power of a Praying Wife and the like are all things a "good, Christian wife" reads, right? Well, this time and this phase has transformed my heart, my sensitivity to how I am praying. It is and should always be our FIRST response, not our last resort or monotonous respsonse. And one of humble, fervent passion!

Prayer Requests for Our Family:

• Safe travel as we head to Dallas area and Lake Texoma to see family this weekend
• Girls to have a fabulous time in Frisco this week with Charlie and Dee
• Continued clear path for decisions we are making
• Peace and Unity in our 4 family
• Wisdom for Alan on when to rest, slow down, speed up, fight harder, let me fight. All of it. 
• Healing
• Transition back into the school year

What Is vs. What If

A year ago yesterday, I announced my intent to run for Montgomery County Treasurer. That decision process was very difficult. As many know I had been asked for months to run for it, but early on Alan was extremely anti. During his last chemo, he suddenly said that I should consider it. So we began thinking, praying and considering it.

When speaking with my pastor about it and outlining all the reasons why I should and shouldn't, he asked, "What if Alan's cancer comes back?" I was caught flat footed. In June of last year that wasn't a possibility. Larry gave us a perspective that neither of us had discussed. I came home and posed the question to Alan. His response has stuck with me. "We don't live our lives in fear." 

Vicki, Pastor Larry's wife, and I were talking yesterday. I told her what Larry had asked and how uncharacteristic it seemed. She quickly said that comment was from God because that is not a Larry question. She and I then discussed whether this changed anything. The answer to that is a resounding no from Alan and I both. We still fully believe I am called to be County Treasurer. 

Now what I did talk about with Vicki and have discussed with a few this week is What is vs What if. Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus talks about this very thing. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” Matthew 6:30 

Do we have so little faith that we don't believe He is talking care of us? Do we not believe that He is working everything together for good?

Sometimes, yes! Sometimes yes, we have so little faith. Sometimes we fail to trust that He cares more for us than for the birds of the air, more than the fish in the sea, more than the wildflowers! Truth is yes, sometimes we fail to have faith. Sometimes we see our mountains and how big they look to us and lose sight of how BIG our God is and that to Him that mountain looks like a speed bump. 

So Jesus goes on to tell us how to avoid losing faith and prevent not trusting Him. Don't we wish everyone came with an instruction manual as to how to love them and have a relationship with them?

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew‬ ‭6:33-34‬ 

So focusing on His Kingdom above all else keeps us focused on What is and not What if. He gives us everything we need when we keep our eyes fixatated on Him, His Word, and His Truths. 

I am a planner. I didn't go into the campaign last year without a plan. And when something happened that I hadn't expected, I stopped, evaluated and made a plan for whatever.  As a teenager, I had a plan for college and the first 5 years of adulthood that God altered greatly by bringing Alan into my life. God has continued to work on me as I posted previously. My life, my heart, and our family focus on being in His Will and joining Him where He is at work and where He is leading us. 

Now that doesn't mean I don't plan, but it is a FINE line between planning and worrying. There are certain aspects of What is that requires future planning and looking at many different angles. We do have to look at some What if's to deal with parts of our What is. And as I told Larry last Sunday after his sermon, there is a big difference between concerns over what is and worrying over what if's. God really has us focused on living intentionally for now and making the most of every opportunity. But as a "planner," it's easy to let the planning become worrying. 

I know many of you I have spoken to this week about this struggle with the same thing. So I encourage you, don't lose faith! Don't fail to trust Him! Lean into Him! Lean into His Word! Be honest! When you are struggling, tell Him! Tell others so they can pray for you, so they can help you. 

Satan wants nothing more than to take you into a place of worry and isolate you from everyone. He knows that's when you are weak and he can pull you away from God. Satan flees when we focus on Christ. 

This week was hard. Satan was working overtime on my heart. He knew that it was a big week of What is evaluation and beginning the process on several decisions. And while we are still doing well on dealing with legitimate concerns on our reality and not on what if's, I was just in a rough place emotionally all week. A lot of what we are discussing and dealing with most don't realize. 

Outwardly no one would have any clue that Alan has metastatic, recurrent colon cancer. He is his normal smiling, positive, amazing man! Satan used that to make me feel like I can't really talk to anyone about things because they "wouldn't get it;" thus, I was isolated. God broke through that and helped me to realize that I am not as alone in this. He's got me. He's got our decisions. He's got our mountain in His hand. And we pray our mountain becomes a speed bump, but if not, God still has us. 

I refuse to let Satan isolate me! My King is FAR greater than any fallen angel! So bring it! I will be intentional! I will focus on what is and will not worry about the What if's. I encourage you to do the same. Focus on Our King, Our Savior, and boldly claim NOT TODAY SATAN!

Leaving you with the words of KB and Andy Mineo, Not Today Satan...

[KB:]

Not today Satan

Ooh

You ain't welcome 'round me

Ooh, yeah yeah yeah

Not today Satan

You ain't welcome 'round me

You ain't welcome 'round me

Not today Satan, not today

Not today

Yeah, I live my life on the regular, ayy

Both of your takes are perpetual, ayy

Forbidden Fruit seem so edible, ayy

You try resist like ellipticals, train

My mama told me it's spiritual, ayy

So I'm under armor like I'm Curry, look

You cannot bear with the boy, yeah

This is not the Jungle Book

Accuse me, know he would

I'm just covered by the blood

Thinkin' about the way that they did you serpent

Crushin' like Valentine's

Can't you see what the mission cost with the finish, swish

Don't try to slide in my DM

OJ Simpson with the defense

Lake of fire say we need him

Last weekend, but

Not today Satan

Ooh

You ain't welcome 'round me

Ooh, yeah yeah yeah

[Andy Mineo:]

Not today Satan

Not today Satan

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Not today Satan

[KB:]

You ain't welcome 'round me

You ain't welcome 'round me

Not today

[Andy Mineo:]

Yeah, speak of the devil, ayy

I think I know where he live, ayy

I think he in politics, ayy

I think you gettin' my drift, ayy

Yeah, I think he made the Explore page

I seen him at my last court date

I'm askin', "Lord, give me more faith"

It's cold in these street like a North Face

Ayy, gotta keep my face cloth

And I know my days short

So I stay woke, never daze off

'Cause, uh, evil never takin' no days off

Whoa there, big fella, don't try it

Get that corn out my face, you know I'm on a diet

And I'm treatin' all of your lie like United

That just ain't flyin'

[KB:]

Not today Satan

Ooh

You ain't welcome 'round me

Ooh, yeah yeah yeah

Not today Satan

Ooh

You ain't welcome 'round me

You ain't welcome 'round me

Not today

La, la la, la la

La la la, la la, la la

Oh my God, now, ayy

Yeah, I know your ways

Already read all your plays, yeah

I think I'm booked for tomorrow, yeah

And today just ain't your day, ayy ayy

I see you feedin' they hate

See the bodies that you take

We do not break, never no breaks

Buildin' displays on top of your cake

Come and see me 'bout it, ooh

My squad too deep

Got it covered like Newsweek

Kickin' these facts like Bruce Lee, yeah

Before the W's like UV, yeah yeah yeah

UV, Son gotta shine, Lord, use me

Hit 'em with the ooh

Come out here, don't let him fool ya

He bring up your past

Boy, bring up his future

We not confused (we not confused, we not confused)

Your name is racist, hatred, graceless

All disgraces traces straight to your engagement

To face the natures but on that day you face the Maker

Not to-Not today Satan

Yeah, I believe boys on me

Believe boys on me

Not today Satan, not today

Amen

My Heart's Prayers

How? How has my life changed so much in the last two years?

It would be super easy to focus on the negative ways it has changed. Ya know like 20+ trips to MDA in the last 13 weeks or 2 hospital stays for my husband in the month of May. But that's not productive. That's not helpful. In fact to focus on the negative effects of cancer just keeps us down and negative. 

So let me show you the positive changes in the last two years in our lives. I would love to hear how you have been positively impacted. 

Alan - This husband of mine truly came to faith and a real understanding of what it means in his early 20s before we got married. For the last 10 years or so, his walk has continually been growing closer and closer to Christ. Since the big C entered our lives, I can honestly say I have seen an even greater shift. Alan has true joy that nothing can take away. He is so outwardly focused that sometimes I have to reign him back in to focus on himself and the best for his health. 

Alan boldly prays with other caregivers and patients we come across. On Thursday, he ran into Roy, the old security guard from his building. Roy has worked at MDA for 6 years now, yet they both recognized each other immediately, caught up, and then Alan prayed with Roy. Yesterday, Alan was speaking with a patient's boyfriend who was having a hard time with his girlfriend's parents. When someone from the financial office came to speak with us, he joined the conversation late because he was busy praying with this man. Alan says hi with a smile on his face and introduces himself to everyone. That isn't anything special, but it is the joy of the Lord overflowing in my husband. We all may tease Alan about always smiling and being able to talk to a wall, but those are blessing other people as he receives bad news and receives treatment. My heart's prayer for Alan besides the obvious of healing, is that he will continue to be used and bless others throughout his life. I wish everyone in the world could fully see the amazing man the Lord blessed me with!

Rebekah - I have seen my now 13 year old blossom into a confident, sure of who she is in the Lord young lady. She has branched out so much in the last two years. As a family, we have talked a lot about seizing the opportunities the Lord puts in front of you these last few years. We don't know what lies ahead, no one does. So we have challenged the girls not to let fear hold them back from anything as we are focused on living with no regrets. Rebekah has taken that challenge to the fullest with sharing her faith, Color Guard, Band and then Theatre this year and as recently as this week with the zip line at camp. She jokes that she is a super dork, because that's what you get when you combine two dorks (I still argue that he is the only dork between the two of us!). Over our week away, bonding stronger as a family, the girls decided that since Alan is a unicorn and supposedly I am a monkey, Rebekah is a unimonkey and Audrey is a cornkey...

I'm proud of the young lady she is becoming. Similar to Alan, she is rarely seen without a smile and can talk to anyone. Unfortunately, at this age, they all struggle with finding who they are and friendships struggle during this time. She is learning that some friendships are deeper rooted than others and that's ok. My heart's prayer for Rebekah is that she continues to grow closer to Him and into the woman God wants her to be, without fear of the unknown we are facing. 

Audrey - Oh my strong-willed child, how I love you and love that about you, even when it rallies up against me. Her strength has been a Godsend these last two years, from a dyslexia diagnosis to bravely discussing her fears about Alan's cancer. This last 3 months I have seen so much growth in her with dealing with negative friendships. She is finding her way. These next few years will be interesting as she grows into who she really is and not who she thinks she should be. It's a tough thing to navigate under the most normal of circumstances.

Her sensitive heart with a tough exterior makes it harder for people to see the real Audrey. I am particularly grateful for one friend that has come along. He sees past the tough because of his own sensitivity. I pray this friendship continues to develop. My heart's prayer for Audrey is that come what may her sensitive, giving, loving spirit doesn't get squashed, but grows through the challenges of Intermediate and Junior High and through the big C. Her heart is so huge, but she is guarded. I pray she gains in discernment in who to trust.

Our family - Some of them have really been shaken by this journey and then even more by the second round. I think we all see the value of each other more and may see each other's role more accurately. Being two children of divorce, navigating that is always a challenge at holidays/birthdays/etc. but the last two years have decreased the challenges. My heart's prayer for our family is that those struggling in their faith or not walking closely with the Lord will see Him through us and that it will draw them to Him and deepen their relationship. 

Our friends - Our closest friends are those we do life with. So our church is and has been our greatest source of day to day support. Whether dinners, taking care of the girls on appointment days, texting us that they are praying, listening to me, the people God has placed in our life as friends from church, business, organizations, etc. have been incredible walking this path with us. My heart's prayer is that they are blessed as much as they have blessed us. 

Our teams - Both the Bush Law and BBK Teams have been incredible. They have picked up the slack and been there for us in ways no one else could. My partner, Barry, has been a constant source of encouragement to both of us, sharing support, ideas and prayers. Being a survivor, his advice with MDA has been invaluable. My heart's prayer is that each of these people will know how much we appreciate them and that they will be blessed just as much as hey have blessed us. 

And me - I have seen more ways the Lord has used my past experiences (not always the best!) and used them to bless either me or others now. These last two years have had me questioning the Lord on how, why, and even what the heck! My Lord has got us. My cousin who lost her love to cancer a couple of years ago had helped me to learn from her experience. That's where our no regrets focus has come from. And I am sure even with that there will still be things I regret. 

Right now my heart's prayer is that as God continues to carry us through this, that I continue to rely solely on Him. 

As I said in a speech on the night Alan was diagnosed, "life is not about walking alone through any curve ball thrown at us. This life is meant for us to come alongside each other and help and support one another. Being a team." It takes God, Family, Friends, and Our Work Teams to get us through to a win. And the win may be a daily or hourly win over our minds or the ultimate win over cancer. Wins come when we focus on Him and focus on finding the joy in the small things. 

Treatment 1

Yay! Treatment has begun! Now we watch for side effects and wait for it to kick cancer to the curb!

Obviously my prayer that the cancer would miraculous be gone when we got the scan results today was answered with a not yet. But, the stage has been set for God to shine even brighter. His tumors have progressed beyond slow growth to moderate growth. Marvin, tumor in the left paracolic gutter, has grown by 1.1 cm both ways. Mooney, tumor near his rectum, has grown by 1 cm one way and by 0.5 cm the other way. Now K. has moved. We were calling the blip in the lung, but that is stable and nothing they are concerned with! However, K is now a NEW tumor in the left hemipelvis, which wasn't of any concern last time, but this time is measuring in at 1.4 by 2.4 cm. So in a month and a half since his last scan, God's stage is set for a major miracle!

So learning has taken placed, Bobbie should be proud! And since we have this, we will not need it. All will go well in this treatment, and we will have no hospital stay. 

I'll keep you informed in the coming days of how he tolerates the immunotherapy! No one can tell us how he will do, as it really is all about how his immune system reacts to this. 

Anxiously Waiting on The Lord

As I look towards tomorrow, I am prayerfully, anxiously waiting on The Lord to deliver our miracle. Today Alan went to MDA to get a new CT Scan, blood work and EKG. No big deal at this point. Routine and nothing I feel the need to be there for.

Tomorrow is Treatment 1 of ipilimumab and nivolumab, FINALLY! Yesterday was 3 months since we heard the horrible words, "The CT found two spots." So here I am, looking towards the future. Planning trips to Dallas to see family for us and for the girls, my bestie from Ft. Worth texting to see about coming for a visit this month.

You see life doesn't stop. Despite the appointments, despite the word CANCER, life goes on. There are still Trumpet and Trombone lessons, there is still laundry, there are still HEB trips, there is still work, there is School Board, there is still a campaign for County Treasurer. And ya know what, that's GOOD. It keeps us focused on the here and now and not on what may or may not be in the future.

For today I ask two things.

Lord God, bring our miracle. Let us hear tomorrow that the two "spots" are gone, and they have no medical reason why.

And if that is not Your Will, God, Heal my husband - let this treatment work completely. Let him be his unicorn self and be in that tiny percentage that is completely healed.

Either way Lord we know who is at work. These are my prayers today, as I prayerfully, anxiously, ask You for our miracle and wait for You to deliver my husband from cancer.

Answered Prayers

The power of prayer is phenomenal. Alan is on more prayer lists than we know. There are literally thousands of people praying. And to those of you that put him in those lists and that have been praying, THANK YOU! I cannot begin to tell you how much we appreciate it and how we truly have felt it!

God came through BIG TIME this morning and answered the second biggest of our prayers at the moment. 

As the sun was rising over the mountains this morning, Alan and I both wept in gratitude as Bristol Meyers Squibb's Patient Assistance Foundation representative Merlyn said that our application had been accepted!!! Not but 10 minutes after we got off the phone with her, Jennifer with MDA called. She had just heard from BMS Foundation too. Jennifer clarified that they had approved BOTH medications through June 22, 2019! We are so grateful. 

Just to put a fine point on this. We had been petitioning The Lord that BMS would approve ipilumimab! And what did He do, they approved BOTH ipilumimab and nivolumab! So God gave us what was best, not only what we were asking! 

God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we "want." He answers them how they need to be answered to glorify Him. Sometimes that is a no or as we have seen over the last 12 weeks, roadblocks! Sometimes that answer is to wait until the right moment. Sometimes that answer is far greater than we could have imagined! The four does of ipi were going to be $146,000 out of pocket. The cost of nivo for that time frame would be $504,000 out of pocket. Wow, God! What an awesome testimony to Your provision!!! Thank you Lord!

Now for it to work! That is our biggest prayer request! That this treatment KICKS his cancer's butt!! Additional requests are as follows:

• No or minimal side effects - none that would cause treatment to be halted. 
• Alan to continue to feel well.
• For the incredible, positive dynamics in our four-family to continue. The girls have been amazing with each other during this journey. 
• For the youth programs for children of cancer patients to get kicked off soon. This momentum stalled while I focused back on getting Alan on treatment. 

Again, thank you all for praying! I hope you all see how you have blessed our family. 

The Pause

Wow! My study this morning hit the nail on the head.

The Pause

This is where we find God's peace.

This is where we find God's protection.

Often times, this is where we find God's purpose.

We are a society of hustle and bustle, rarely stopping to sit in the quiet. We are too busy making lunches, running our 2.5 kids to this practice or that practice, working nonstop whether in or outside of the home, volunteering on this committee or that committee. We have learned to say no to some things in our family, but at the same time we still end up this way.

When Alan got cancer the first time, it was a great opportunity to reflect on what we were saying yes to and see if it truly lined up with our family's mission and goals. We dropped some things and continued on. Fast forward to the beginning of April when his recurrence of metastatic colon cancer was diagnosed. We have continued living, but placed a strong emphasis on our priorities that I wrote about earlier - setting boundaries with people, tasks and things in our lives.

This week away has truly given us The Pause. Now that's not to say we have done nothing. Not by any means. The days have been filled with memory making activities and moments. But the mornings have given time for reflection and time with Our Lord.

I am one of those highly active individuals. I don't like yoga because when I took one class the instructor had us lay there at the end for literally 10 minutes to rest and meditate! It was painful for me. I don't sit. I am on the go constantly. I am a huge believer in prayer and time with God and yet over the years, most of my quiet times have been 5 minute devotionals because I haven't stopped to sit.

His recurrence has me on Pause. I am spending more time on my knees, praying His Word, praying for others walking this cancer journey, like my friend's grandson, Cameron, or my friends Kelly and Sharon, praying for my husband, and praying for my girls. I am spending more and more time in The word because I am desperate for God. I am clinging to Him.

You see, those of you that know me at all, know I am a take charge, get-er-done lady. Those of you that know me very well, know why that is.

In this situation, I am scared. I am more frightened than I have ever been in my life. And I can't just get-er-done with this one. i can't just take charge. That is where God steps in. He is my peace. He is my protection. And He is showing us His purpose.

My study this morning, the author spoke about her desire to charge forward with her own plan - I've NEVER done that before <insert sarcasm here> She went on to describe how in The Pause it is easy to get despondent, forgetting about God's faithfulness.

I relate to this final paragraph she wrote.

Day in and day out, God demonstrates His mercy, power, and provision, yet in the pause it is easy to forget His faithfulness. We become impatient and try to rush the wait especially when life hangs in the balance or our funds have run dry. We often can’t wrap our head or heart around God’s timing or ways. When our pause seems more like a wilderness, we must be determined to strengthen our faith by trusting His timing. Cling to His peace, and remember—God has a history of working miracles.

- Wendy Pope, Wait and See

This Pause I am learning so much more about clinging to Him, trusting Him and remembering His faithfulness. I pray that you will see His promises and faithfulness come to fullness in your life. Cling to Him - none of your life circumstances are a surprise to Him. He is working them all together for His glory! Trust in that. Trust in the one who came to this earth to die for you, so that when your time here on earth is done, you may have life eternal with Him!