I am pissed. I am so hurt. I am so disappointed. I am so scared. I am so angry.
I'm done with unicorn-ness. I'm ready for him to be less of a medical unicorn!
So today we got word that the back up option, trial 2, ACTolog, is not a back up option any longer.
While Alan's unicorn nature worked and he had the blood marker that only 38% have, sadly this time it was not in our favor. He had a 93% chance of having 1 of 8 tumor markers. He was in the 7%. So the biopsy on 5/3 and the biopsy on 5/9 for the trial were for not. On the 9th I had asked that the tumor near his kidney that we had assumed was cancer, make an ass out of u and me and not have cancer in it. Again, sadly it did not. There was cancer present, just not one of the markers.
So now we are down to 1 potential treatment. Just 1. And I am pissed. I am so mad our backup option is no longer an option. I am so mad that he suffered through the biopsy and nicking of his bowel last week for nothing.
Thankfully God is big enough to take my anger. God loves me even when I am angry. My anger at the circumstances doesn't surprise Him. My anger at the circumstances doesn't decrease my faith. He knows that I trust Him. I know He has a plan. I would really like for Him to clue us in on it. He knows that I have faith in Him. In some ways my anger makes my faith greater.
It's easy to have faith in God when all is going well, when the plan is clear, when life makes sense. Having faith when nothing makes sense, when the plan is fuzzy or not visible, when things truly suck is harder. Having faith now, right now, would be understandable in our finite knowledge to lose. Wouldn't it?
I will NOT lose faith. God is in control. That doesn't mean that life is easy, not hard or even less hard. You see as a wonderful friend said this morning, we are only promised 1 thing. We are promised, when we place our faith in Christ, that we shall be saved and enjoy Heaven with The Father. We make promises to each other all the time. Promises to do this or that; promises to love each other until death do us part, thinking that is until 80 or so. At least that is what I always thought. But since we only have that finite knowledge, we can't guarantee our promise, like He guarantees salvation.
God has a plan. Even better, God knows His plan. So we wait with trust in Him in that plan. Even when we cannot see it. Even when we have no idea if we will like it. I take comfort in knowing that even though my finite brain cannot see or know what will occur, this AWESOME, AMAZING God who sent His Son here to die for me does.
So while we wait to see the plan, I covet your prayers. Tomorrow, Tuesday, May 15th at 2 pm, the TAPUR trial sponsor's tumor review board will be meeting to discuss my unicorn. Pray for their decision. Pray for them to have wisdom. Pray for us to clearly see The Lord in our circumstances. Pray for acceptance into the trial. Pray for our hearts to not be discouraged if the acceptance doesn't come. Pray for a clear path to treatment and a start date for treatment.
Pray for our hearts and the hearts of our families as they yearn for a plan with us. Pray for God to shine through us in how we handle everything. I truly covet your prayers for this as I fight with my husband for my husband. Pray for us to look for and seize joy in our family every chance we can.
Pray for our pain, anger, disappointment and fear to subside and to be replaced with joy, faith, love and trust beyond what we can imagine.
Thy will be done.
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