April 4, 2018 - Results Day
It was nice to see Dr. Morris again. He asked how we were doing and if we had any questions, which we did. He answered all and kept the conversation focused on making sure we had no unanswered questions first.
Then he started in on the results. They found a spot by his left kidney in the omentum. But it was possible that it was just a fluid build up since it wasn't too far from the original surgery site.
And then he went on to the other spot. This one was much more concerning. It was between his rectum and his spine. He wanted to schedule a biopsy and figure out what this one was. If it was negative, then we would do a biopsy of the one by his kidney, but no need to do that if the more concerning one was cancerous.
He kept telling us that it was possible that they were just fluid build ups. That Alan's CEA level (carcinoembryonic antigen) was still in the normal range. At this point his CEA was 1.5 and normal is 3.0 or less.
We left broken. That has been my word to describe our emotional state this time around. We are hopeful but broken; scared, but trusting. We know how is in control and we have faith that no matter what God will be glorified through this situation.
We called his parents, sister, and my family on the way home. Then we put on our game face... It was time to celebrate our 13 year old!! We has a fabulous night with the girls and then we just sat on the couch, holding each other and sitting. We occasionally spoke, but mostly, we just sat.
April 5, 2018 - We told the girls that he needed further testing. Rebekah was devastated. Audrey took it in stride, but then broke down in her own way. All in all, we were okay. At first we didn't want to tell everyone because we weren't sure what was going on. So no point, right? Not so much.
On April 7th, after feeling like an absolute fraud at an event, telling everyone who asked how he was that he was fine... we decided we would put a post out.
That morning I had written something. Ever since I was a kid, writing was a way to get my emotions out. Alan said to post what I wrote, so I did with some explanation. Below is that post.
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Then he started in on the results. They found a spot by his left kidney in the omentum. But it was possible that it was just a fluid build up since it wasn't too far from the original surgery site.
And then he went on to the other spot. This one was much more concerning. It was between his rectum and his spine. He wanted to schedule a biopsy and figure out what this one was. If it was negative, then we would do a biopsy of the one by his kidney, but no need to do that if the more concerning one was cancerous.
He kept telling us that it was possible that they were just fluid build ups. That Alan's CEA level (carcinoembryonic antigen) was still in the normal range. At this point his CEA was 1.5 and normal is 3.0 or less.
We left broken. That has been my word to describe our emotional state this time around. We are hopeful but broken; scared, but trusting. We know how is in control and we have faith that no matter what God will be glorified through this situation.
We called his parents, sister, and my family on the way home. Then we put on our game face... It was time to celebrate our 13 year old!! We has a fabulous night with the girls and then we just sat on the couch, holding each other and sitting. We occasionally spoke, but mostly, we just sat.
April 5, 2018 - We told the girls that he needed further testing. Rebekah was devastated. Audrey took it in stride, but then broke down in her own way. All in all, we were okay. At first we didn't want to tell everyone because we weren't sure what was going on. So no point, right? Not so much.
On April 7th, after feeling like an absolute fraud at an event, telling everyone who asked how he was that he was fine... we decided we would put a post out.
That morning I had written something. Ever since I was a kid, writing was a way to get my emotions out. Alan said to post what I wrote, so I did with some explanation. Below is that post.
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Today I am broken. Today my heart feels like has been shattered.
This was suppose to be the "good" visit. This is too early for reoccurrence. This "shouldn't" be happening.
Who says? Who determined that?
My mind, my heart. It hasn't even been a year since chemo was stopped. It's barely been a year since he was first diagnosed.
Pardon me but WHAT the HECK God? I mean come on! He's barely 40 and we are looking at a second round on the cancer journey in a year! Seriously!
Despite feeling this way. Despite being broken and feeling numb again. Despite all the myriad of emotions.
My Lord is a good Father. He has us wrapped up. He is taking care of us. Because no matter our circumstances, cancer/no cancer, broken/whole, NO MATTER what, He loves us. That love, that joy carries us through. No one, NO ONE, not even Cancer, will take that away.
Father, you used us once before. You used our cancer journey to point others to you. Do it again.
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I wrote the above this morning. When I finally read it to Alan this afternoon, he said it summed up how he felt too. So here we are.
We found out this week that he has two suspicious spots. We are currently waiting on further tests and results.
We have debated not telling anyone but a small group of super close family and friends. But in the end both of us being such open books, it's not who we are. Please pray that as we go through the next steps that God will continue to use us to glorify Him.
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