I have never been one to not act because of fear. No, I am more the face-your-fears-and-beat-the-stuffing-outta-them kinda girl! In fact I've worked hard in my life to not let fear of anything ever control me. I would control my life to control any potential outcome fear would have.
My dad is a strong, straight forward man, who for years I wasn't sure had any fears. My mom is a pull-yourself-up-by-your-boot-straps and move on woman. For years, as a little kid no one could have convinced me that she even knew what fear was.
As I have grown and matured, and the grey hairs have progressed more rapidly than I would like, I have learned that everyone has fears. Some they don't ever realize until their world changes in the blink of an eye.
Being a child of divorce, one of the things I fears without realizing it for years was not finding the man God wanted for me. I know that seems silly now since I married Alan at 22. But all my relationships, from the beginning of my "dating" life, were subject to some major litmus testing.
In Junior High, it was note writing was huge. I'm a words of admiration girl, I discovered later. Since there were only two VERY short lived "boyfriends" in Junior High, this didn't fully play out.
In High School, it was all about Height and Beliefs! If the boy was not taller than me (even an 1/8th of an inch would do), then dating was an automatic no! If they did not profess faith and weren't willing to go to church with me or at their own, it was a no! Looking back, I may have missed out on dating some awesome guys. But God knew what he was doing.
Early college, my standards were about me having control. I didn't want anyone to hurt me, change me, or derail me. I had my life planned out. I was doing things my way. And if they didn't fit in that, they didn't last. I was so scared that they would mess up my plan. And in the end, Alan did just that! No one really lasted longer than 2 months of dating prior to meeting Alan. I wanted guys to measure up to my standards and my plan. I wasn't going to let anyone derail me from that.
The plan had been to go to American University in Washington, D.C. for my masters after graduating from SMU. In March 2000, I got a medical diagnosis that changed my entire outlook. I'll explain in a later blog post the impact a two year time frame had on my faith, my life and who I am today.
In Sept 2000, I met this incredible young man, who challenged my previous standards. He is shorter than me. At the time he wasn't a walking believer, but he agreed to go to church with me. He constantly wrote me notes. But the whole Washington, D.C. thing took a complete backburner. He grew in his faith and became an incredible man to lead our family.
My fears at the time we met were that I would never have kids (the medical issue), that I wouldn't find the one man for me, and that my life wouldn't work out how I planned. By my third anniversary to the amazing man God had intended for me, Rebekah was here. The last one was all about me having control. I learned with the medical issue and with meeting Alan that I didn't want or need control. I wanted God first in all aspects of my life. God used the medical issue to shake me up and draw me back to Him. He brought Alan into my life to challenge my trust in Him even further.
Today, I'll be honest. It is really hard not to fear the current unknown. It is hard not to fear losing my husband. It is hard to not let your mind go WAY down paths it has no business going down. And there are times it is a daily, hourly, heck minute by minute struggle. But what I have learned is that I fear when I step outside of seeking Him. If I keep my eyes focused on Christ and nothing else, I have no fear. Love, true, real love casts out fear.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10 NLT
I love my Lord! Because He first loved me, even when I ran from Him, even when my fear of lacking control, caused me to grip tighter to the reins, He always loved me. But in 2000, God showed me, that my grip on the reins didn't cause the freedom I sought. His grip on my heart was the only thing that freed me from my fears. When I released my grip on my desire to control everything around me, His control over all took full hold and blessed me beyond all I could have imagined. It hasn't always been easy. But I will take God's path for me life over the life of fear I led trying to control everything.
So as we walk the biggest unknown of our almost 16 year marriage and almost 18 years of knowing each other, I will cling to Christ and not fear, for HE is with us.
P.S. I love this song...
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