Ups and downs

Yes, I was that mess with tears streaming down my face in youth worship this morning. 

First, the song, Who You Say I Am, (https://youtu.be/lKw6uqtGFfo) got me. I teared a tiny bit, but really it just spoke to my heart. 

I am chosen, not foresaken.

I am who You say I am. 

You are for me, not against me

I am who You say I am. 

There are times in this journey that I have felt foresaken or abandoned. There are times when I have wondered if The Lord forgot that Alan has cancer and needs healing. It's not hard to do, since from the outside he doesn't appear sick. 

Now I know that isn't true. But emotions don't always base themselves in fact. Usually they aren't ever based in fact when they are fearful! For He is Lord over everything. He hasn't forgotten about Alan's cancer. He is working all the details out for the way in which He will be glorified most. He hasn't abandoned us or foresaken us. He is working all the details out in His Godly way that we don't see right now.

This song reminds me another when I was in college, Trading My Sorrows (https://youtu.be/YYRc0JeQuC0).My favorite lines came flooding back as I sang Who You Say I Am. 

I am pressed but not crushed

Persecuted not abandoned

Stuck down but not destroyed 

I am blessed beyond the curse

For His promise will endure

And His joy is gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

But His joy comes with the morning!

These lyrics spoke to me as I came out of a rough two years. They speak to me again now. I love the way God uses His people to write passages or lyrics that speak truth into my life. 

The song after Who You Say I Am had tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. I had never heard it before. It spoke so deeply to my heart. I mouthed the words, when no sound would come. Give Me Faith (https://youtu.be/dNwt7LQiYck) caused my heart to overflow. 

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say

That You're good and Your love is great

I'm broken inside, I give you my life 

'Cause I may be weak

But Your Spirit is strong in me

My flesh may fail

My God You never will

These words hit hard. There are moments when I am good. When my faith is strong, when I am not broken inside, when I feel His Spirit roaring in me, when I know He never fails. There are moments when I need Him to give me that faith because I am weak and broken and failing to trust in what I know to be true about His goodness, His great love, and His strong Spirit. 

Thursday and Friday were honestly horrible days. Where Wednesday was good and we were feeling strong, the emotional roller coaster of back and forth about out of pocket costs and the patient assistance program just left me broken inside. 

It shouldn't be this hard! It really shouldn't. Our medical system is broken. Now before you worry, I am not going all socialist on you. I have seen the MISTREATMENT of our veterans through the American version of socialized medicine. It is even more broken than what we are experiencing. 

BUT it should not cost us $36,500 a dose for four doses of medication that makes his chances of survival so much better! The total cost out of pocket would be $146,000. That's a staggering number.

So right now we continue to wait and pray that we get patient assistance. But even with it, the lost work hours, the miles of gas and wear and tear on your car, the parking - we are so blessed to be able to set our own schedule and to be able to work from anywhere. Others don't have jobs where they can work from MDA. They don't have reliable transportation. 

I look at what we have gone through both last year and now again these last 11 weeks. And I wonder how everyone else does this. This is hard, financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's hard on our family, our parents, Alan's sister, our grandparents, cousins, all of them. Because they all LOVE Alan. It's hard on our girls, esp. right now without treatment started. They are concerned with how bad it might get during this time. They are scared for the future. But due to where we are as a couple, they are taking their cues from us and are focused on enjoying every moment; Treasuring this Father's Day more than most!

As we said last year, we would rather go through this than someone without faith because at the end of this journey whether soon or far off, we know where we are headed when our life is over. We are so grateful for our salvation. It truly colors everything we do. But this journey is hard. I told my prayer warriors recently that I understood in a way I never did before how it would be possible to become hopeless in this journey without Christ. I also said that I understood how people end up divorced going through this. If we each were not putting Christ first in our own lives and then as a couple in our marriage, the emotional roller coaster could break us. 

I am so grateful that when we are broken inside, or when we are weak, or when we feel persecuted, or when we feel foresaken, we are able to cling to Christ and then to each other. 

Lord, bless those going through this journey. Draw them to you. Guide people into their lives to minister to them. Lord, protect their marriages, their hearts, their lives. Lord, guide our legislators to get their butts in gear and fix this broken system. Lord, keep our eyes intently focused on You. Draw us to You more and more every day.